Parachute

Jokes

How do blind skydivers know when it's time to open the parachute ?

When the dog's leash gets slack.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You dont need a parachute to go skydiving

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

How does a blind skydiver know when to pull his parachute?

The the leash goes slack.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Tommy is a really forgetful man

It's not that he hasn't had any experiences in life, he just forgets many of them. He needed a new one.

So be it, he thought and set out to get a Skydiving Certificate like he's always wanted. He was really scared of jumping on his own for the very first time but his peers calmed him down on the way up. Practice is practice, and he's not getting any younger he thou


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My friend went sky diving last week, he said it was fun but it actually hurt a lot to hit the ground

I said "You shouldve opened your parachute"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You dont need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Oldie but a goodie.

There are four people on a small plane heading north over Canada. The pilot, the trump , the pope and a random backpacker.
Suddenly the engine starts emitting black smoke and dies.
As the plane slowly starts to fall the pilot rips open a compartment with three parachutes, takes one and shouts something about “needing to fly more planes “ jumping out of the plane de


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You dont need a parachute to skydive

But you do need a parachute to skydive twice

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You dont need a parachute to sky dive

You need a parachute to sky dive twice

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Uh oh, your parachute failed. Dont worry though!

You have the rest of your life to figure it out

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I tried to board an airplane recently

Turns out they get nervous when your carry-on is a parachute

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Did you know if your parachute doesnt deploy,

You have the rest your f your life to fix it.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A guy buys a parachute and asks the shop owner..

.. do you accept returns, in case it doesn't work?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A guy buys a parachute and asks the shop owner..

.. do you accept returns, in case it doesn't work?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

For sale: Parachute

Never opened
Slightly stained

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You don't need a parachute if you want to go skydiving.

You only need a parachute if you want to go skydiving twice.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

An Arabic, an American, an Australian and an Israeli flew on an airplane

The pilot says in the mic: "Gentlemen, we are sorry but the left engine stopped working. We only have 3 parachutes left. decide between yourselfes who is going to jump."

The American takes a parachute and say: "We are the strongest nation." And jumps.

The Arabic takes a parachute and says: "We are the most intelligent nation." And jumps.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

How did a man oiling himself ,survived a fall from the top of the building?

He was using parachute oil.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Skydiver survived a failed parachute

There was an interesting story told to me by a Russian coworker told regarding his days in the Russian army. Apparently one of his comrades had an unfortunate skydiving accident, where is parachute failed to open. So, thinking fast (as the ground was rapidly approaching), he angled his body so that he could glide to a least-bad landing spot. He was looking for something like a swampy bog, but t


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Little Jimmy's teacher asks the class to come up with a moral and come to school the next day and share it.

So the next day little Suzie go's up first and says, "We had 5 eggs on my farm and only 1 hatched."
The teacher says, "Very good now what's the moral?" Little Suzie says, "Don't count your chicks before they hatch." Next the teacher calls Little Jimmy up and he says, "My uncle was a soldier in Vietnam and he was flying a helicopter and was sh


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane.

They want to break the tension amongst the countries, so they decide to go on a retreat to go skydiving. While they're headed to the drop off location, they each start to boast that their country is better.

"My country has the fastest moving army," claims Hitler. "No one can beat it."

"Except when they face the wrath of the Motherland,"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So there is a plane going down, only two parachute and there is a priest, a rabbi, and an orphaned little boy.

The priest says “I think we should let the child have a parachute.“

The rabbi exclaims “Aww fuck that kid!”

“.... do you think we have enough time?”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Calvin Andersson Cord, the man who invented the parachute, died today.

RIP Cord

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton, Obama, and a little girl are on a crashing plane wit only 3 parachutes...

Hilary Clinton says, ” I'm off to win the next election, ” takes a parachute, and jumps off. Donald Trump says, ”I’m better than you fools, you're fired, ” picks one up, and jumps off. Obama says to the girl, ” you are our future, you take the last parachute.” The girl responds with, ” no, we both get a parachute. Trump took my backpack.&


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving

But you do need one to go skydiving twice

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two New Zealanders are flying in a plane carrying sheep.

The plane starts to develop engine trouble, and the crew decide they have to bail out. "Get your parachute!" says the pilot. "But what about all those sheep?", the copilot asks. "Fuck the sheep!" says the pilot.

"You think we have time to do that?" says the copilot.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There is 4 people on a plane.

The people are a priest, Donald Trump, the pilot and a school boy. The pilot comes out and says we are gonna crash soon but I only have 3 parachutes. The priest stands up and says "I am a man of God so I get the first parachute." So the priest grabs a parachute and jumps out. Then Donald Trump stands up and says "Not only am I the president of the United States but I am the smartest


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You have the same of survival of jumping out of a plane with an empty backpack as a person jumping with a parachute.

Only works if the plane is grounded.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Marine, an Airforce Commando, a Navy Seal and a Green Beret are sitting around a camp fire, telling stories on how strong and tough they are

**The Marine** said "I can jump out of a plane at 100 feet, without a parachute, break both legs and still run 10 miles"

**The Airforce Commando** said "I can jump out of a plane at 200 feet, no parachute, break my legs and arms, run for 20 miles and swim 5 miles"

**The Navy Seal** said "I can jump out of a plane at 1000 feet, land in freezing wat


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

If your parachute fails to deploy

You have the rest of your life to fix it

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

An airplane was about to crash

There were 4 passengers on board but only three parachutes. The first passenger said “I am Steph Curry , the best NBA player. The warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Donald trump, said, “I am the newly elected U.S. president, and I am the smartest president in American history


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

you need a parachute if you plan to go skydiving twice.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A lawyer, a priest and a schoolboy were sitting side by side on a plane.

Suddenly, they watched as one by one, the engines stopped working as the ash from the volcano they flew over clogged them.

The pilot announced sadly, “There’s not a damn thing we can do. We’re going to crash. Thank you for flying with us.”

While everyone was panicking, the three went to the back of the plane and found two parachutes.

T


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

5 people on an airplane.

5 people are on a plane, the pilot has had a heart attack and no one is capable of flying as it hurtles towards a mountain. There's only one problem, there are only 4 parachutes.

The five people are all unique and brought with them items specific to their trades or hobbies.

There was a priest, and he had with him a cross and a bible.

There was a doctor,


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The crashing plane

So there where 5 people on a crashing plane. Their was a priest, a kid, a pilot, a teacher.l, and a mother with a baby

The pilot and the mother with a baby took off with their parachutes.

Priest says "theirs only one parachute left I should get it cause I'm important"

Teacher says "the kid should take the parachute he has a whole life to l


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

5 people on an airplane.

5 people are on a plane, the pilot has had a heart attack and no one is capable of flying as the plane hurtles towards a mountain. There's only one problem, there are only 4 parachutes.

The five people are all unique and brought with them items specific to their trades or hobbies.

There was a priest, and he had with him a cross and a bible.

There was a d


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

How did the Japanese solider fail out of military school?

He brought a parachute to class.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What was the last thing that went through the sky diver's mind when his parachute failed?

His feet.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

4 people, 3 parachutes, one plane about to crash.

There was a flight that had only four people on it - the pilot, a young boy scout, an elderly pastor and a scholarly looking gentleman. During the flight the pilot came back and said that they were experiencing engine difficulties and that the plane was going to crash. The good news was that they had parachutes, but the bad news was that there were only three.
Explaining that he had to make


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A polish guy goes skydiving

This polish guy decided to go skydiving and has an instructor with him. The instructor says, "After you jump you pull the left cord then the right cord." So as the polack jumps he's going down and forgets what to do. As he's falling he sees a black guy coming up. The Polack says, "Do you know how to parachute?" Black guy responds, "No you know how to light a gas


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My skydiving parachute and backup didnt open but somehow I lived

long enough to post this

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Pope, the President, the Smartest Man on Earth, and a Stoner are on a plane.

The pilot comes over the intercom.

"Everyone, we've had some major hardware malfunctions. We're going to have to jump out. There are only 4 parachutes, and there are five of us. I'm the pilot, so I should live."

Before anyone can protest, the pilot grabs a parachute and jumps out.

The president speaks up.

"I am the r


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE