Paddy

Jokes

Good evening welcome to the six o'clock news

Our top story today, convicted hitman confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

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Paddy is about to go into the bar for a little refreshment when he hears someone yelling "Do not go into that house of sin!"

He turns around on the point of telling the interfering busybody to feck off, but he holds his tongue when he sees that it is a nun, and instead he lifts his hat politely and says "Why must I not go in there, holy sister?"

"Because," rages the nun, "it is the devil's brew that they are selling in there!"

"Well," says Paddy, &qu


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Paddy At The Newsagents

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Did you hear about the Irishman who gets wet every time it rains?

Paddy O’ Furniture

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Breaking news: An Irish man was found dead this morning, apparently killed using a number of small porcelain figures.

This appears to be the first verified case of a knick-knack paddy-whack.

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Whos drunk, Irish, and is always at your house?

Paddy O’Furniture

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A Scotsman, an Englishman, and Irishman (Paddy, of course) survived a plane crash, and were washed ashore on a desert island.

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and Irishman (Paddy, of course) survived a plane crash, and were washed ashore on a desert island.

They were there for years, and became quite emaciated, with the lack of food.

One day a bottle washes up on the shore. They all look at it, and Paddy rubs it to see the label, hoping it was liquor of some sort, and out pops a genie!


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Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.

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They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.

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After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”

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“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walk


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Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'


The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.


Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, '


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(OC) An Irishman

goes to the pub every evening to drink a few pints with his mates. One day he sits down and orders four glasses of champagne for everyone.

Barney wonders why so he asks, “Paddy, why the champagne? What are we celebratin’?”

“Nothing,” answers Paddy, “‘tis not a celebration, ‘‘tis medicinal.”

&ldquo


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Where can you grow an Irishman?

In a Paddy field.

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What do you call an Irishman who likes sitting outside?

Paddy O'chair

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Paddy and his camel

Paddy walks into a police station and reports his camel has been stolen.

The policeman says "how many humps does it have? "

Paddy replied "I can't really remember, one or two?"

The police man goes "well what colour was it, light or dark brown?"

Paddy replied "i cant really remember?"

The p


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Ah Paddy

Nick, an Englishman, Jock a Scotsman and Wee Paddy had emigrated to Australia some years ago.

One day they were sitting outside at a pub on the Sydney harbour enjoying a drink in the sunshine.

Nick says, you know this is a lovely country, but I really miss my pub, the Dog and Bone in London.
After buying three pints they give you one on the house


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What Do You Call An Irishman Who Builds Lawn Chairs?

Paddy O'Furniture.

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2 Irishmen walking down a country road

One of the men says to the other, “Paddy look!, there’s a gravestone of a man who lived to 250 years old!”

Paddy says “What was his name?”

Brendan replies “Miles to London”

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Paddy walks into a bar.

"How much is lager?"
Barman: "£3 a pint and £10 a pitcher"
Paddy: "I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo"

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Paddy walks into a bar.

"How much is lager?"
Barman: "£2 a pint and £7 a pitcher"
Paddy: "I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo"

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Paddy walks into a pub.

"How much is your lager?"
Barman: "£2 a pint and £7 a pitcher"
Paddy: "I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo"

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Paddy and Mick

Paddy and Mick walking along and see a guy dangling another guy by the ankles off a bridge. “Quick pull me up” the dangling man says so he pulls him up with a big salmon in his hands.

Paddy says to Mick. Let’s go find a bridge and give it a try.
They soon find a bridge and paddy lowers him down “quick pull me up” shouts Mick
“How have


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Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."

"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when P


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What do you call an Irishman that hangs out outside all day and all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

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Gratuitous Irish Joke

Do your own accents.

So Paddy and Murphy were up in Dublin from the country and they were looking round Brown Thomas and they saw crocodile shoes for 600 euros and they thought, oh that's good, we can make some money from that.

So they went back to their village and they saw the local priest, and they said "We were up in Dublin there and we saw crocodile shoes


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A man was convicted for killing a cow in a rice farm with mini ceramic figurines

It was a Knick knack paddy whack :)

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Paddy the gynaecologist, Paddy the psychiatrist and Paddy the orthopaedic surgeon walk into a strip club...

“Chlamydia,” says Paddy the gynaecologist.

“Daddy issues,” says Paddy the psychiatrist.

And the orthopaedic surgeon says “my daughter is HOT.”

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Paddy's wife shouted at him

"why didn't ya help when I fell down the stairs?!" Paddy replied "oh sorry love, I thought it was the intro to EastEnders"

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Tea Break

Paddy was driving his lorry (truck) when he saw a bridge with a sign saying “10 foot max. headroom.” He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , ‘A Shure an’ Begorrah, I’ll give it a go,’ he thought only to find that his lorry got wedged tight underneath it. …

Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of te


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Paddys Suggestion

Paddy and Mick are blind drunk and going home from a night out and realize that they don’t have enough money for a taxi so they decide to go to the Bus Depot and steal a bus. … Mick breaks into the depot as Paddy stands as a lookout. …

After a while, Paddy decides to see what is keeping Mick, so he looks through the gate where he sees Mick running from bus to b


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Paddys night in Dublin

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn,’ he s


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St. Paddy's day.

Paddy's wife had watched a cooking show on the telly and was dying to try out the recipe, so she sent him out to Sean's market to buy escargot and told him not to stop by the pub on the way home.

Well, Paddy being Paddy, he decided to pop in for a pint anyways. A quick pint became several. He staggered toward the house, knowing he would surely get an earful. As he opened th


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Paddy is plowing

his field with a steamroller.
Seamus comes up to him and says "Paddy, you don't plow a field with a steamroller you stupid bastard".


Paddy stops mid-field, looking at Seamus in disbelief.
Finally, Paddy says: "I'm growing mashed potatoes, you thick cunt".

Credit to /u/meltdowninteractive.


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Paddy is plowing his field with a steamroller.

Seamus comes up to him and says "Paddy, you don't plow a field with a steamroller you stupid bastard".

Paddy stops mid-field, looking at Seamus in disbelief.

Finally, Paddy says: "I'm growing mashed potatoes, you thick cunt".

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Paddy goes to meet his friend who is a zookeeper.

Zoo keeper says to Paddy, “The gorilla is on heat, we don't have another gorilla here. The management is looking for someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500?”

Paddy thinks for a moment and replies, “I will on 3 conditions: 1^st I'm not going to kiss it. 2^nd my family must never know. 3^rd I'll need a couple of weeks


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An Irish bride is interviewed by police after a fight broke out at her wedding reception.

*“Well officer, it’s customary for the bride to dance with the best man before the bride and groom leave for their honeymoon. I was dancing with the best man Paddy when all of a sudden me husband Seamus came running on the dance floor and kicked me as hard as he could smack bang between my legs.”*
 

The officer winces a little and says *”Ouch


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Irish fireman (slightly racist)

Paddy was at a fire one day but he had forgot his ladder. He managed to persuade the first person, a middle aged white woman that he would catch her, and he did. Then her mother followed, again paddy caught her. Next a black man jumped out and fell straight to the pavement.

Paddy shouted up "don't be throwing out the burned ones!"


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An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked

"probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

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Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet

...and says "i think my fish is epileptic",the vet looks and says "he looks fine to me.paddy replies,"hang on,i haven't taken him out of the bowl yet".

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Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My so


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Paddy is in the bar.

He and his friends are sitting around a table, and decide to tell some jokes. One of his friends asks,

"Did you hear the story about the dirty window?" He asks. Paddy shakes his head.

"Well, I can't tell you. It's too dirty." Paddy finds this immensely funny, and leaves the bar straight away so he can repeat it to his wife. He gets home, out


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Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter."

Since diesel


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Might be offensive? There's this guy named Paddy who goes to sign up at college and meets the head of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic subjects: English, Math, History and Logic.

"Logic? What's that?", Paddy asks. The head says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a lawnmower?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, I would say you have a garden." "Yes, I do have a garden", Paddy replies. The head continues, "because you have a garden, I say logically you would have a house." "Yes, I have a house."


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Whats Irish and sits outside?

Paddy O’furniture

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Paddy amp Murphy

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy “I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!”

Murphy meanwhile watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts “Paddy you&r


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Paddy had not done any acting in a long time

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time, and was thrilled have been given an opportunity in a local production.   The director said to him, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose, delicately, with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply, and then say the line: 'Ah, the sw


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Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires stickin out of it...

He phones the bomb squad... "jesus, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a feckin bomb"...

The operator asks "Is it tickin?" ...Paddy says "No, I tink it's beef!"

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Paddy and Murphy are working on the building yard...

.... when a piece of slate from the roof falls off and takes paddys ear clean off. A few days later murphy is doing some work when he finds an ear on the floor.
Picking the ear up he shouts over to Paddy
"Ey, Paddy i think ive found your ear mate"
Paddy looks over and says "no thats not mine, mine had a pen behind it"


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Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets, Paddy says how did this happen?, wife replied, you remember that night I was so dry and we tried the lubricant (3 in 1)?, well that is when it happened, Paddy breathes a sigh of relief.

Thank fuck we didn't use WD40.

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You hear about the paddy wagon that collided with cement mixer Ed?

12 hardened criminals escaped.

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Paddy drinking at the Irish pub

Patrick staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.&n


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