Orchestra

Jokes

I got kicked out of the orchestra last night for smoking weed.

It turns out the conductor was telling me to hit the gong, not the bong.

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Why didn't the hippy join the orchestra?

He's against violins.

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You could call my sex life a symphony orchestra...

Because I have to Beethoven my room every night

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There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perform, the Orchestra was horrible, everything was off pitch and no one seemed to have any rhythm


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I'm running a film music orchestra for old people

It's the Hans Zimmer frame orchestra.

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Last night the school orchestra played Brahms.

Brahms lost.

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Who plays the music in Mordor?

The ORChestra.

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Band is superior to Orchestra

Why did Beethoven love Orchestra music?

Because he was deaf.

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My wife refuses to let me play orchestra music when were having sex.

Eventually we came to a different arrangement.

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Why did that old man in orchestra miss a guy without ticket?

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I was on school and a custodian said to some random kid...

"If stupidity was music you would be an orchestra"

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I heard a catchy Electric Light Orchestra song yesterday.

Let me just say, I Can't Get It Out of My Head.

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Orchestra

There was a full audience enjoying the music being performed by an orchestra in a grand concert hall, when all of the sudden the conductor clutched his chest and fell down stone dead.

The concert hall director rushed from back stage to the orchestra pit to see what he could do. After consulting with the various people in the orchestra pit, the director stepped up onto the stage to re


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Whats the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On a bull, the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

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Why do mosquitoes always leave an orchestra performance before it ends?

Because the standing ovation can be quite deadly to them

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I'd never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins.

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The pianist (credits to uGoldmanT)

/u/goldmant

I remember hearing about a pianist who also fixed orchestras (booked players for concerts) who got put in prison for defrauding clients and musician contractors for hundreds of thousands of pounds, sentence was two years, expected to be out in 18 months.

Inside, he only had one possession, a copy of Bartok's Piano Concerto No 2, one of the most difficult


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Our orchestra teacher told us hed throw an instrument at us if we messed up.

Wow. I can’t believe our teacher is threatening us with violins.

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So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next performance kills another band member for screwing up. Back to prison and the electric chair. He agai


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What do you call a socially-inept Orc?

Awkward.

​

Bonus: What do you call a group of musical orcs?

An Orchestra.

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I once tried to sleep with an entire orchestra

but I only made it to the second bass

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Why are band and orchestra rated R?

All the sax and violins

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The group that burned down the school orchestra hall went up in flames with it..

..I have no symphony for them.

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Whats the difference between an orchestra and a bull

On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

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I liked it better when Trans-Siberian Orchestra was just Siberian Orchestra

Now I'm always getting confused as to whether they're a band or a woband

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Why did the sushi roll make first chair in the orchestra?

Because she tuna.

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It's too bad Led Zeppelin never got to perform and record with a symphony orchestra.

They could've named it the Hindenburg Concertos.

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I heard a fight broke out in the orchestra hall today.

Apparently someone struck a wrong cord and it led to a lot of violins.

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My girlfriend broke up with me over my Electric Light Orchestra obsession.

Evil woman.

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Great news, I just got a new job playing the triangle in an Orchestra.

I just stand at the back and ting.

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Beethoven is about to conduct an orchestra...

Beethoven: Are you ready, kids?

Crowd: Aye, Aye, Captain!

Beethoven: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

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Why was the trombonist kicked out the orchestra?

He was making saxist remarked at the flutiest...

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Customer service put me on hold, but there was a good orchestra playing.

It was classy-call music.

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A fine conductor.


A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest pieces he has ever written. A month passes, and the big day arrives. The musician


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Never book an orchestra for a wedding

They don't know how to conduct themselves

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How do you make an orchestra stop talking?

Say 1...2...and 1, 2, 3, 4.

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My dog sat watching the orchestra play...

My dog sat watching the orchestra play, he was staring at the conductor and I could see what he was thinking ... for f\*\*\*s sake ..Just throw the f\*\*\*ng thing.”

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Making a living of 3-second tunes

Two old friends, both graduates of a musical academy, meet after years of no talk. One has a super expensive suit, a posh watch and looks well groomed. The other looks much older, and is wearing shabby clothes.

\--How are you, buddy? – asks the one better off.

\--Oh, not bad. Just finished composing another symphony, but can’t find an orchestra to perform it


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Why dont you attack an orchestra?

Because they can get violin-t

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If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?


The conductor.

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Why didn't the orchestra worry about the thunderstorm?

They didn't have a good conductor.

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What do you call a band of orchas?

An orchestra

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After an orchestra concert, the host asks if there are any musicians in the audience.

Many audience members raise their hands, and the host randomly selects three of them, and invites them on the stage for a quick quiz. The first one turns out to be a pianist, the second one is a singer, and the last one is a drummer.

The host says: "Let's have a quick quiz, shall we? Our pianist will play a chord, and each of you will have to guess what's that. To make


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I went to see a concert performance by the Royal Bermuda Philharmonic orchestra...

Half way through the first symphony, the triangle player vanished...

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PSA: I'm starting a minimalist orchestra!

It's just like a regular orchestra but without the bells and whistles.

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An orchestra which can play electrifying music...

...must have a good conductor.

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Why didn't adults enjoy the kids' orchestra?

Not enough sax and violins.

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What do you call a group of band rejects?

The orchestra.

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An orchestra is tuning up for a challenging concerto all but the first chair oboist.

She is not preparing for her performance. As the draw of the curtains approached, the conductor could no longer abide her inaction. He gritted, "why are you not preparing? Why haven't you habituated your instrument?" She retorted, "I don't believe in oboe warming."

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Why did the classical orchestra disband.

It went Baroque

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