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Jokes

Zeus at open mic night be like Hades stop stealing my thunder

i’ll see myself out.

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My wife tells me I look uncool wearing a bike helmet

But I’d rather look “uncool” than fall and split my head open during sex.

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A principal notices a Post-It on a locker.

"Jocks of JFK High! This small change in diet can boost your physique FOREVER!! Head to the gym to find out what!"

Puzzled, he pulls it off and continues down the hall. Just a few lockers down, another catches his eye:

"Hey goth girls! Tired of dark eyeliner that just runs all day? One simple trick will fix it! Find out in the gym!"

*Ok, I


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One day the Roman god Jupiter received a forwarded email from Zeus.

“I wouldn’t open the attachment,” warned Jupiter’s son, Mercury. “Beware of Greeks bearing gifs.”

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How do blind skydivers know when it's time to open the parachute ?

When the dog's leash gets slack.

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Why do Shia muslims open their fast 10 minutes after the Sunni muslims in ramadan?

Because Shia muslims fear that their breakfast (iftar) will be poisoned by the Sunnis.

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Little Johnny hears some new words at school...

So he goes home and goes up to his mother:
"Mum, what's a pussy and what's a bitch?"

His mother, mortified, grabs a magazine, opens to a dog and says "A female dog is a bitch" she flicks a page and shows a cat and says "A cat is also called a pussy"

Not satisfied with the answer he goes to his dad
"Dad, what's


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What do a necrophiliac coroner and an alcoholic office manager have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one at work

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I ate so much pudding I can't open my mouth

Should have known, it's called butter-scotch..
Now I don't choc-a-lot!😂

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You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

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What did the orphan boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.

Just kidding. It’s still in the box. He couldn’t open them.

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When you open this post you will start to feel quite

Gullible

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Valerie Harper dead at age 80.

Following a private ceremony, there will be an open-casket service, featuring Sandy Duncan.

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Three Old Prostitutes

Three old prostitutes were sitting around the nursing home, chatting about the old days. The subject of their first trick comes up:

First prostitute: My first trick was a police officer, and he was the best lover I ever had.

Second prostitute: My first trick was a fireman, and he was the best lover I ever had.

Third prostitute: You two are lucky. My firs


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My girlfriend emailed me pictures of the first trip we took together, but I couldnt open any of the files.

I might have serious emotional attachment issues.

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What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

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Schlock

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A man walks into a sperm bank

A man walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those spe


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My uncle always told me, Keep your mouth shut and keep your eyes open.

Sorry I got those backwards.

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I tried to impress a girl the other day by putting my foot down on the pedal

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Rape Joke

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The Jewish Dog Cat Bible Pizza Neighbors Plants Rape Joke

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The Jewish Dog Cat Bible Plant Pizza Rape Joke (a.k.a. The Neighbors' Divorce)

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The Neighbors' Divorce

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The Neighbors and How They Divorced

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How the Neighbors Divorced

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My 5-year old tells me to be careful when I open the cookie jar because theres something sharp in there

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The Pizza Cat Bible Jewish Rape Joke

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Yesterday a clown held the door open for me.

Such a nice jester.

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I'll See You in Church

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I think JFK was the most open minded president.

His ideas weren't very bulletproof though.

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Today, I held a door open for a Clown.

It was a nice Jester.

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My favourite Australian Aborigine joke

One day an Aborigine named Nigel was on vacation in the US enjoying a beer in a pub when a local man sat down beside him "You're one of them blacks from Australia, aren't ya?" Nigel nodded and had another sip of his beer.

The American man continued "i hear you guys are pretty good hunters" to which Nigel replied "Sure am, mate."


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My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her...

instead, I swam to the surface.

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Operator: whats your emergency

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On a wide open range, there are two ranchers

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I want to believe there is nothing I can't do...

...so gay men if you can look, act and talk like a woman and twerk/suck it well enough *with my eyes open this time* I can be turned gay.

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Open sesame ...

...bun, said Elvis with a quarter pounder & fries x4

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I used to have a colleague who would self-harm himself by cutting his skin.

But he always welcomed us at his home with open arms.

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My son has adorable little baby hands

It was all over the news, apparently he took them from an open casket funeral

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A man walks into a bank

and says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller is caught off guard by his language and says "Sir, I can help you but this is a place of business and we don't tolerate foul language." The man says "I just need to open a god damn checking account." Frustrated, the teller asks him to wait there and she goes to get her manager. She te


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What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

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I finally told my wife she had to lose weight

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Everyone is of the idea that shark song will be played 18 years from now in proms and clubs. As adults do you ever go singing... the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town....

..... the doors on the bus go open and shut, open and shut, the doors on the bus go open and shut all through the town.....

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Timing is everything...

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When Schroedingers luggage was stolen, the police asked for a description of it.

It was an open and shut case.

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A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

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I'd crack open a cold one, but...

The hospital won't let me back in after last time.

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After extensive analysis I've determined who the most open-minded American presidents were.

JFK and Abraham Lincoln.

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There were only two open minded presidents in the history of the USA.

Honest Abe and JFK.

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