Offer

Jokes

Mr. Trump, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble...

Trump responds: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels

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Why did the Invisible Man turn down the job offer?

The job description wasn't clear.

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I accidentally declined an offer

Nope unintended

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Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.

He was waiting for good dough.

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Jesus is reborn and wanders through the streets...

As he suddenly walks into a group if people enjoying a joint. They offer him to try aswell.

After a few inhales Jesus says: Guys do you know I am Jesus?

The group: Shit duuuude, that is how it is supposed to be...

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Donald Trump failed to buy Greenland.

Pakistan has asked him to make an offer for Kashmir.

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I was having sex with a woman in her room, but then we heard the front door open

She told me: "Shit! It's my husband! Use the backdoor and be quick!"

In hindsight, I should've just left, but it's not every day I get an offer like that

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A black Jewish boy comes home from school. He asks his father "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

Father says "why do you wanna know that son?"
Boy says "Well there's a kid selling his bike at school for $50. I wanna know if I should offer him $40 or if I should just steal it."

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If you want to open a store, I recommend selling stoves

You'll immediately offer a range of hot products

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In a software development team, how do you call the person who decides tech and architecture and leaves after a few months for a better offer when nothing works yet?

​

Technical leaver

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A garbage man wakes up from a coma.

The nurse says to him
"I’m afraid to tell you that you’ve been in a coma for almost 25 years. Both of your parents have passed away in that time and the rest of your friends and lovers have moved on, believing you would never recover. You no longer have a home or any possessions. The only reason you are still alive is because we are legally obligated to do so. Everything you


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My Godson had difficulty remembering to take out the trash.

Until I made him an offer he couldn’t ‘refuse.’ - Godfather

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A cow and an engineer are hanging out in a field.

The cow turns to the engineer and asks, "I'm trying to maximize my milking efficiency and I was wondering: could you help me through some of the harder calculus problems I'm having? I'll even throw in 5% royalties from my milk sales over the next 5 years as compensation."

The engineer turns down the offer, saying, "I'm a vegan and I don't deriv


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"If you were offered $50K for free but to accept the offer, the person you hate the most will receive $100K, would you do it?"

"Sure I would. Why would I decline $150K?"

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"If you were offered $50K for free but to accept the offer, the person you hate will receive $100K, would you do it?"

"Sure I would, why would I say no to $150K?"

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When I offer to help you in the shower, I want a simple yes-or-no answer

Not any of this “who are you and how did you get in my house” nonsense.

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

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Did you hear the one about the Chinese godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn’t understand
(From The Sopranos)

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When I resigned from my job HR offered me a Cobra...

I turned the offer down because I don’t think it’s safe to own a cobra, especially during a lapse in health insurance.

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A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.



He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I


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The Italian Mafia makes you an offer you can't refuse.

The Glaswegian Mafia makes you an offer you can't understand.

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A guy walks up to a woman at a bar. He flirts with her and made some small talk but she insists she isn't gonna go home with him

"What if I offer you $1 millon to sleep with me?" He asked

The woman's never had a millon dollars in her life. She stops and considers the offer very seriously.

The guy changes his mind and says

"What if I change my offer to a dollar instead?"

The woman is aghast

"What kind of woman do you think I am?&qu


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I just got a job offer as a PORN STAR, and they demanded that I do a scene without even going through an STD test, of course I refused

because it was NSFW.

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Did you hear about the Chinese godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

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If you don't know what to get for someone's birthday

Offer them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

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A man walked into a bar and asked for a drink, unfortunately he had no money, so the bartender feeling charitable proposed him an offer: he would had gave him a free drink as long as the guy could tell him a good meta joke

So the man started to tell: "A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink but he unfortunately has no money, so the bartender feeling charitable makes him an offer: he is gonna give him a free drink as long as the guy could tell a good meta joke, so the man tells him the best meta joke he could think of and after hearing it the bartender lets out a big laught and gives him a free drink"


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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile...

The barman says "You can't bring that crocodile in here, Get that fucking thing out of here, NOW!"
The man says "Watch this, he does tricks."

The man pulls out his cock and puts it in the crocodiles mouth, He has a piece of wood which he bashes the crocodile over the head with. The crocodile eagerly starts sucking the mans cock.

The Barman


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Under newly enacted legislation, my restaurant is no longer allowed to offer whale or dolphin mean.

It’s a blow, but, now and again, we’ll still serve a youthful porpoise.

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Do not offer a midget a yo-yo

Unless you also provide a step stool

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A man is walking down the street with his friend

A man is walking down the street with his friend when he hears a noise from behind him. He turns around to see a crazed man quickly approaching him. At first they thought he was going to mug them but they soon saw he was holding a giant silver key in his hand. When the man catches up he looks at them and hold out the key, whispering, “you take key” over and over again. The two men, ext


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When people say to support pride month.

"I offer my penis as tribute."

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During sex this guy burst out of our wardrobe and said, "I'm sorry! Let me go unharmed for 50000".

We jumped at the offer.

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A physicist sits down at a bar and orders two drinks.



He places one in front of the empty seat next to him, while he slowly consumes the other. Upon finishing, he orders another drink. The bartender notices the untouched beverage and motions to it. "Something wrong with this one?" "No," says the physicist, "that one is for my companion." "Oh," says the bartender. "You are expecting som


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You hear about the Chinese Godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn’t understand.

(Sopranos Reference)

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I was once afflicted with with a terrible bout of dry mouth...

The doctors could do nothing to help and my future was looking dim. My food had long since been rendered flavorless and eating became a chore, until I met a man who said he was sent by god to cure my ailment. I was skeptical but desperate, willing to try anything.

I asked him "How much?" and he replied,

"Nothing more than a bit of faith."


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Whenever I am offered a nude picture, as a respectful gentleman I reject the offer and suggest that they cover up

Go ahead, send me a nude and see what I say.

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A man was living near an old house

The house was producing odd noises so the man ask the owner what the noises were

The owner replies: I cannot tell you for you haven’t proved yourself worthy

A week went by and curiousity finally got to him so he asked the man what he needed to do to become worthy

The man replied: you need to travel around the world by foot, count every grain of sand in


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Why did the Dalai Lama download the gambling app?

He'd heard they had an introductory offer that would make it Free Tibet.

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Why did the Dalai Lama download the betting app?

He'd heard they had an offer on where it was Free Tibet.

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A guy with seizures came up to a girl and said

"Every offer guy can be a dildo, but I can be your vibrator"

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If you want to open a store, I'd recommend selling stoves

Because you'll immediately offer a range of hot products.

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Why should every band have a manager?

Because managers can offer sound advice.

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I don't usually tell racist jokes

But when I do, I offer some kool-aid first

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Woman goes to the Priest to ask him to bury her dog in the church cemetery

He tells her "unfortunately, we don't do that. You can take him to the pet cemetery." But the woman pleads "Please, I just need to know I will see him again in heaven, so I need you to bury him in holy ground!" but the priest doesn't budge. "I'm sorry, dear lady, I just can't do that. It's not allowed..." Finally, after much crying, he suggest


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A long time ago, a young prince was married to a young princess, ending the feud between two warring kingdoms.

On their wedding night, the princess says to the prince, "I offer you my honor."
The prince replies, "I'm honored by your offer".

That's how it went all night- honor and offer, honor and offer...

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A blind woman goes out shopping...

A blind old woman goes out shopping, and instead of walking into the local electronics store, she ends up walking into the pet store.

She says to the manager at the desk: "Hello there. I was wondering, do you sell infrared grillers?"

The manager says back: "I'm afraid we don't have those in at the moment. But can I offer you an ultra violet chimpa


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Did you hear the one about the Chinese godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

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Promotional Offer

One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please."

"Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key.

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 o'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under t


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The man and his gator (long)

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash and sits down at the bar. The Bartender walks over and asks why the man has brought an alligator into the bar. The man replies, " I have an offer to make".

The bartender being curious, says,"OK, what's the offer?". The man stands up and says, " If everyone in the bar is willing to buy me one drink each,


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Women say they like a man in uniform.

But they turn town down my offer for conjugal visits.

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