Norm

Jokes

I don't want to be average.

I don't mean that in the average "Break the wheel, don't be the norm, etc." I mean the average person has less than 2 arms, and less than 2 legs. I can't imagine only having a left arm and a left leg.


To me that's just not all right.

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Before I met my wife, I always felt incomplete

Now I'm finished.

*-Norm Macdonald*

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Mr. Peterson walks into Cheers, and gets his usual greeting, which is everyone in the bar loudly shouting his first name.

It was funny the first few times, but after that, it became the norm.

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Gambling jokes

**Husband**: How do you lose $150 in the slot machines!

**Wife**: You lost $15000 at the tables!

**Husband**: Yeah but I know how to gamble.

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​

**Bettor**: My god, I had a terrible day today. I lost 15 out of 15 in college football, I lost 8 out of 8 in base


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I always need glasses to see my family, especially two glasses of scotch.

Not mine, its Norm McDonald's

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Norm Macdonald Quotes and Jokes

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?
-Norm Macdonald

Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.
-Norm Macdonald

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Two guys are standing by a car.

One of them is 6'5 and built like a crayon. The other one is 5'4 but caked in beef.

The shorter one goes, "I don't know how you even fit in to cars man, you're like a contortionist." The taller guy responds "yeah I have superpowers, didn't you know?" The beefy one, shocked, asked, "Seriously?" To which the other guy replied, "


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Two guys are standing by a car.

One of them is 6'5 and built like a crayon. The other one is 5'4 but caked in beef.

The shorter one goes, "I don't know how you even fit in to cars man, you're like a contortionist." The taller guy responds "yeah I have superpowers, didn't you know?" The beefy one, shocked, asked, "Seriously?" To which the other guy replied, "


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I have to give six guys rides in my car all the damn time...

Norm, Max, and Phil ride on the dash. Rod rides under the hood. Jack rides in the trunk and Matt rides on the floor.

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Weather clear glass coffins become the norm or not

Remains to be seen

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I found a baby bird the other day

The other day I found a baby bird that had fallen out of its nest.

I love animals, and I thought to myself 'I'm going to get this little guy back to its nest'.

Now, it took me about 5 or 6 throws...

​

Credit: Norm Macdonald on his new Netflix show (Since everything here is a repost might as well dish out the OC Credi


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What's the difference between a social norm and a social more?

When you have an informal understanding that governs the behavior of members of a society, that a norm.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a more.

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I remember a time when,

"getting faded," meant that you were being erased from the space-time continuum. Norm MacDonald, ladies and gentlemen!

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My wife was in a coma.

But then, the doctor who was treating her said, "The only way she'll wake up is through oral sex".

"By God!", I replied disgustedly.

The doctor assured me saying, "I've seen it work."

As a loving and responsible husband I said, "Well, I'm willing to try".
I then warily entered my wife's room.


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I remember a time when,

"get on your knees," meant, "pray to God!" Norm MacDonald, ladies and gentlemen!

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I don't like calling midgets 'little people' cause I dont think of people as little people.

I just think of everyone as the same, the midgets, the regular people.

We're all just people, even if some of us are short and have weird big heads.

by Norm Macdonald

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I hate these to be continued norm on these jokes here. What they should do this...

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Actual conversation between an elderly couple...

"Norm, I only married you because of your sense of humor..."

"Dee, I only married you because of my sense of humor..."

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When I was a child they told me, "The children are our future."

Now that I'm grown, they're saying it's actually these new children.
I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.

*-Norm Macdonald*

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When I was a child they told me, "The children are our future."

Now that I'm grown, they're saying it's actually these new children.
I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.

*-Norm Macdonald*

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When I was a child they told me, "The children are our future."

Then I grew up, and now they're saying it's actually these new children.

I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.

*-Norm Macdonald*

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When I was a child they told me, "The Children Are Our Future."

Then I grew up, and now they're saying it's actually these new children.

I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.

*-Norm Macdonald*

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When I was a child, they told me that The Children Are Our Future

Then I grew up, and now they're saying it's actually these new children.

I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.

*-Norm Macdonald*

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It's Earth day!

The only day of the year when you can jerk off outside and nothing bad can happen.

(Credit to Norm MacDonald Live)

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The Malaysia flight is still missing. You know where they're going to find it?

The last place they look.

-Norm MacDonald

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What is the proper term for a lover of East Indian cuisine who doesnt deviate from the norm?

A naan conformist.

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I saw a pig, a cow, and a horse.

I told my wife, “Those look like some of your relatives.”

She replied, “Yeah, my in-laws!”

(Source: Norm MacDonald)

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My best friend was brutally murdered last week

Its only now that I can look back and laugh.

- Norm Macdonald

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China's government has reported they have lost over 28,000 rivers in the past decade ...

my theory is they sold them into the sorted world of underground river sex trafficking.

---

This is a joke from the Norm MacDonald Live podcast and I have no idea what it means, anyone know? Is it some kind of pun?

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I know how to nip March Madness in the bud.

Just look for signs of brooding antisocial February fever.

- Norm Macdonald

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Why did the Moron throw the Clock out the Window?

Because it reminded him of Richard Clock, the man who knife-raped his wife.

-Norm MacDonald

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ID is a funny abbreviation.

The I stands for I and D strands for dentification.

-Norm Macdonald

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A good name for a dog would be syndrome.

Because then you could say down, syndrome.



-courtesy of norm macdonald ;)

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You know, I'm old enough to remember...

When the worst thing you'd hear about on the news were highjacked jetliners flying into buildings.

--Norm MacDonald

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What is the last thing you want to hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

'I'm not Willie Nelson'

Credit: old joke via: Norm Macdonald

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A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram

A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram. The guy behind the counter asks him,

"What do you want it to say?"

"WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF"

The telegram guy says,

"I see you only have 9 woofs there. If you didn't know, anything up to 10 words is the same price! Would you like me to add an


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I Forget the Name

Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge.

"Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk shows the other day. Boy, was it a hoot! But I can't seem to remember for th


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From The Atlantic's "Guide to 'Snapchat-iquette' for Millennials":

Rule # 5 of 8:

> Don’t send too many Snaps in a day, especially to a crush. You’ll look stalkerish. One panelist capped it at "5 per day." <

I remember when I was in high school, long before social media, and I used to mail 4 or 5 separate developed photographs of myself to the girl I liked, every single schoolday for a few months, unt


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Met a guy named Norm once

He had no arms.



But seriously, true story.

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I Forget the Name

Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge.

"Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk shows the other day. Boy, was it a hoot!
But I can't seem to remember


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I Forget the Name

Two elderly men are conversing and drinking wine while their wives prepare dinner in the kitchen. As the discussion begins to dwindle, Tom and Norman decide to delve into their limited pop culture knowledge.
"Well now, Tom," says Norman, "me and Carolyn tuned into one of those nightly talk shows the other day. Boy, was it a hoot!
But I can't seem to remember for th


read more
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Norm MacDonald's father's favorite joke (as told by Norm MacDonald)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3UqEgL1VXI&t=14m44s

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Classic Norm MacDonald joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGr_7p5Ti0Q

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Norm Macdonald tells a good joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGr_7p5Ti0Q

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Nate The Snake (Much like the moth joke told by Norm Macdonald) Funny if you have time to read 10,855 words.

http://forums.kingdomofloathing.com/vb/showpost.php?p=1704611&postcount=96

It was too long to post so I found a link with the joke.

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