Newborn

Jokes

Whats the difference between a newborn orphan and Batman?

The newborn orphan didn’t have to go down a dark alley to become one.

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A logician's wife is having a baby.

The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."

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They told me if you put your newborn in front of an orphanage he would grow up an Orphan

So I stuck my baby in the ATM machine so he could grow up to be a rich banker

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Doctor: (handing me newborn baby) Im sorry, your wife didnt make it.

Me: (handing baby back) well bring me the one she did make

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Doctor: handing me newborn baby Im sorry, your wife didnt make it

Me: *handing baby back* well bring me the one she did make

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The kids with special names

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CNN: Actress Danielle Fishel announced that she and her new husband have a newborn son.

Yes it's a classic "Boy-Meets-Girl from Boy Meets World who then has a Boy" kinda story.

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What did the new mother name her newborn quadruplets?

Adolph, Rudolph, Getoff and Stayoff.

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What did the newborn baby say when he had been tricked?

“I’ve been had!”

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How do you call a newborn Keanu Reeves?

BREASTaking

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The nurse brought me my newborn baby and said, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it."

I immediately handed it back and told her to bring me the one my wife made.

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Our newborn looks like Adolf Hitler.

You'd better Nazi it.

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Some muslims have an alteration of the same name, like Maryam (from Mary)

And so, my black friend's parents named their newborn enword.

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4 ducks named First, Second, Third and Fourth were playing with their newborn brother

A man approached the and ask: "What are you playing?"

The 4 ducks replied : "We are drowning bubbles"

"That sounds like a really interesting game, have fun guys" the man said and walk away

Next day the man came back and met the newborn brother, the duck introduced himself "Hi I'm-"

" Yeah I know


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I learned that teachers can double as proctologists

i've been saving thousands of dollars since I was a newborn!

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What do you get if you cross a dying person and a newborn baby?

A white collar and protection from prosecution for historic sex offenses.

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.

Is it a hymn or a her?

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Im not saying global warming is real...

But the weather was a lot more consistent when people were sacrificing newborn babies to the sun god!

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A son lashed out at his blonde mom

He shouted, “YOU ARE AN IDLE, UNEMPLOYED, UNEDUCATED, ALCOHOLIC, IRISH CATHOLIC MOTHER WHO DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HER SEVEN CHILDREN, SO WAKE UP, YOU INCOMPETENT PIECE OF COW SHIT!”

She stared at him for a few seconds as she put out her cigarette on the head of her newborn baby and said, “wait a second, I’m gonna grab a beer.”


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A doctor holds up a newborn baby and gives it a hard spank.

The baby slips out of his hand and flies out the window. The mother screams, "you killed my baby!". The doctor says, "HA! It was a stillborn, but you should've seen your face!"

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Woman arrested for dumping 7 newborn puppies in Coachella.

Egg farms grind millions of newborn male chicks alive as byproducts every year.

Male calves are separated from the lactating mother and given a humane bullet in the head.

Newborn piglets have their teeth, tails and testicles removed humanely without anaesthesia.

Did you get the joke? 😑

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How do you make a newborn baby drink?

Shove it in a blender.

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"How do you feel, sweetheart?" said the mother to her newborn son right after giving birth.

"Like a new man", he replied.

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Why was the newborn child of an anti vax family crying?

Because the baby was having it’s mid-life crisis

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Motorbikes are ideal transportation for people that don't intend to have children.

They wouldn't even let me bring our newborn home from the hospital.

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As the nurse gave the newborn his first vaccine she said, You are lucky to live in a country where these are used,

“Unlike Clark County, Washington”

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What do you call a newborn baby bathed in semen?

A family reunion

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Why is it tradition to slather mayonnaise on newborn wiccan twins?

Because they look like a samewitch

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You can tell my newborn son is mixed because, although he has a lot of Asian features, his penis

isn’t blurry.

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What do you call a newborn infant who plays Nintendo?

Switched at Birth

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A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says "is it a boy or girl ? "

The logician says, "Yes"

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I was visiting my friends with their newborn baby....

They gave me the baby to hold and asked if I wanted to wind him. I thought to myself "that's a bit much" so I just gave him a dead leg instead.

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An egg walks into a bar...

... pulls out a gun, and shoots a mother holding her newborn daughter’s hand.

Sorry, I had to.

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Ariel

My wife and I tried so hard to think up names for our lovely newborn child. We wanted something strong in meaning, aquatic and historical... Like Ariel.

We decided on Bold 2-in-1 instead.

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Logic

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, 'Is it a boy or a girl?' The logician says, 'Yes.'

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Why was the anti-vaxxer's newborn baby crying?

Existential crisis

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One of my old buddies, James King, named his newborn son Thin.

I'm sure he wasn't thinking, but his son is.

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Doctor comes to Dad with newborn baby...

Doctor swings baby from left to right, and throws him up and down. Doctor drops the baby! Dad looks shocked! Doctor says: I'm just fooling around, baby was stillborn...

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As a newborn, I successfully evaded my own Circumcision...

...guess you could say I had foresight.

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Im sorry, but your wife didnt make it. A doctor said while handing a man his newborn baby.

The man hands the baby back and says, “Sorry, but I don’t do reposts.”

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There is something holy about every newborn child.

Especially if the parents prevented with condoms.

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A man and a women had their newborn baby delivered...

A man and a women had their newborn baby delivered by the doctor. They had not done any ultrasounds or 3D sonograms to have the sex of the baby be a surprise. After the baby was delivered and the nurses are checking the vitals and cleaning it up they both anxiously ask the doctor "Doctor, What is it?", the doctor looks at them with confusion and says "Well.... Here's what we�


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Why did Thom York buy a newborn a Mercedes?

Because baby's got the Benz.

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"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.

The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."

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"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.

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Why was the Asian father disappointed with their newborn child?

He found out their blood type is A-.

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What do you call a newborn baby?

Anything you want.

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An Irishman, a Mexican, and a white Protestant are in the waiting room of a maternity ward...

A nurse walks out and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies and they need the fathers' help to identify them.

The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first. A few minutes later he returns with what is quite clearly a Mexican baby. When questioned by the nurse on why he's decided upon that particular newborn, the Irishman repl


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My newborn baby boy can already juggle, speak full sentences and even ride a bike!

He is infantly better than his sister...

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My friend's wife appeared in the room like a newborn baby...

Screaming.

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