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Jokes

Socrates the philosopher . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you t


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So many young men, lifes wasted, suffering, pain and despair in a day like today 74 years ago

Just stop for a moment and remember those who lost their lifes trying to hold against the American invader.

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

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Black and White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"


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I asked my American friend if he had a moment to discuss his healthcare plan.

"I can't afford to"

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My father nearly died choking on a sausage in Germany

From that moment on, we feared the wurst.

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They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, Whats with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!

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A man goes to the doctor because he is feeling tired all the time.

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Pretend you're American for a moment. You're American when you're walk in the bathroom and you're American when you walk out of the bathroom. What are you in the bathroom?

European

​

Credit: Thanks to my friend from 3rd Grade for thinking of this!

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A worried guy asks his doctor: can I take a bath with diarrhea? The doc pausing for a moment answers: well, if you have enough

I heard this in Spanish a long time ago. Some editing from my part tho

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Miracle medicine.

A man went to a doctor for a miracle medicine.

"Doctor, can you give me a medicine which lets me see from nose, speak and eat from eyes, hear from mouth and smell from ears ?"


Doctor thinks for a moment and give him the _miracle medicine_ with a smile


"Here are some pills, chew it twice a day from your ass."


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My great grandpa told me that the moment he saw the titanic, he knew it would sink. He tried to warm others, but all his efforts were for nothing.

He got called drunk, and was kicked out of the cinema

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Let us all observe a moment of silence for the Area 51 tragedy.

(Oh shit.....wrong year!)

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I told my wife the other night that I wanted her to start talking dirty more for me.

She looked up at me thoughtfully for a moment and then responded.

"Compost."

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My dog Max died

We went hiking in a cliff and I got distracted for a few seconds and he fell down. He was no more. So I deleted Minecraft and haven't played it since that moment.

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Meat

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My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year...

...and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant


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Something I said on the spur of a moment to my ex wife.

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I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

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What do friends and snow flakes have in common?

They all disappear the moment you pee on them.

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A woman is standing in the check out line at the market, ringing up her groceries...

When a man gets in line behind her with his cart. As she's ringing up her items the man looks at her groceries, then looks at her.

Again, he looks at her groceries, then back to her.

She notices this after a moment as asks "can I help you?"

He replies, "you must be single huh?"

Astonished, she asks, "You can tell th


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Doctor, doctor

Patient: doctor, doctor!!
Doctor: don't panic. What happened?
Patient: mouth stinks doctor.
Doc: from when?
Patient: from the moment you opened your mouth.

Baram bam tsss

It's my first joke here fellas! Have fun!

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There is always a moment when you lose your childhood innocence

And for me, it was when I realised Santa's sperm tasted the same as my father's.

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A woman is doing her washing...

When all of a sudden her washing machine starts leaking. So she calls up a plumber, and informs him of the problem.

The plumber quickly arrives on the scene, and inspects the situation. Taking out his toolkit, he stops for a moment and clears his throat, before singing various notes. The woman asks "What are you doing?" And the plumber replies:

"I'm ju


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What is the Fastest car in the World?

The rental car you are driving at this moment.

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If the pope takes a shit....

Is that a holy shit moment?

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I drunkenly stumbled into the back of a taxi.

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Ahoy Matey!

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that mo


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My wife said that the kitchen is missing something.

Let that sink in for a moment.

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Why do American schools have a moment of silence in the morning?

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Most people spend their whole lives waiting for their moment to shine. But not me.

Not since I got this job polishing shoes

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My girlfriend asked me if I could take out the trash

It probably wasnt the best move to ask her to dinner at that moment

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A kid walks into an ice cream parlor





The kid strolls up the counter, and the employee asks the lad....

"What flavor would you like?"

He looks over the list of flavors, and after a brief moment he says...

"Chocolate!"

With a sad face, the employee looks down to the boy and says... "I'm sorry, we're all out lf chocolate.


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NSFW A man was sitting at his desk when one of his coworkers asked him a question. Hey Jim did you hear about the new Tank the US is rolling out to help fight the racism problem

Jim stoped and thought about this for a moment. Do you mean “The Tactical Armored Nigger Killer T.A.N.K?” His friend just looked at him

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I once almost got into a fight when I was in the middle east

I was in a cab and we were driving through a busy city area, and the driver started getting into a road rage with another driver. We came to a stop at an intersection and the cab driver jumped out and the other driver also got out - and they began yelling in each others faces and pushing. I tried sneaking out of the cab and teh both noticed me, and turned their attention on me. At this moment, two


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So there I was fingering my sisters pussy

And then my sister walked in on me and her cat and totally ruined the moment.

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Its a boy! I shouted with tears on my face, I cant believe its a boy!

That was the moment I decided never go to Thailand again.

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A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."

The man left the confess


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When your brother makes a yo mama joke to you.

Bruh moment

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A dad takes his children on a trip outside the US for the first time...

He looks at his kids and says "remember this moment. It is a huge kilometer-stone in your lives.

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At any given moment, the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is only a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

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A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"


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Garbage Collector

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he th


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Ive recently been told that I should live every moment as if it was my last.

My neighbors are starting to get annoyed with the constant screaming and crying.

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I'm trying to stay in at the moment to save money...

Probably doesn't help that I'm currently at the casino.

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Apache Medicine Man

For as long as any one could remember, it was the Apache medicine man's job to name the newborn that came into the world. One day a warrior asked the medicine man how he came up with the names. The medicine man replied; When the baby is born, I look at the world to see something happening at the same moment the baby is born. If I see a bird flying, I name the baby Soaring Eagle, when I see


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A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

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One psychic says to another, lovely weather we're having at the moment

“Yes," says the other psychic, "reminds me of the summer of 2021″.

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What did the pickle do when it won the championship?

He just stood there to relish the moment.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaura


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