Miracle

Jokes

Miracle medicine.

A man went to a doctor for a miracle medicine.

"Doctor, can you give me a medicine which lets me see from nose, speak and eat from eyes, hear from mouth and smell from ears ?"


Doctor thinks for a moment and give him the _miracle medicine_ with a smile


"Here are some pills, chew it twice a day from your ass."


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A man is driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down

He has no idea how to fix it and is in the middle of nowhere. Under the scorching heat of the sun, hours pass by and his hopes start fading away.

All of a sudden, a grey horse appears from nowhere.

\- What's up, pal? says the horse. Can I help you?

The man is baffled. Where is this horse coming from? And how the hell is he speaking?

Before


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Horse Whip Sandwich Spread

Mix horseradish and Miracle Whip together to make a kicking sandwich spread. I call it Horse Whip and you can put it on most anything!

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Have you ever met someone who was unimpressed by a miracle?

After Jesus turned the water into wine, many guests, being unimpressed, proceeded to demonstrate their own abilities and turned the wine back into water.

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I have a horse called Mayo and a groom called Miracle.

Mayo neighs when Miracle whips.

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Did you know that 35 of people prefer Cinco de Miracle Whip over Cinco de Mayo?

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I went to buy Miracle Gro but it was so expensive I just bought the off brand.

The off brand was dirt cheap!

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Why did they pick the name Viagra

Because Miracle Grow was already taken

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Whats the difference between dirt and miracle grow?

Not mulch

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Im gonna name my kid Jesus Christ

Cause it will be a miracle if anyone ever has sex with me

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Stephen Hawking walks into a bar

It’s a miracle

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Religious Cowboy

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the duck's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the duck. "Your name is writte


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Pedro and Juan are stranded in the desert... (My favourite joke, LONG)

After a day of walking, staggering, then crawling, they are thirsty, starving, and near death. They are about to give up when Juan exclaims,

“Pedro, look! At thee bottom of the dune... it’s an Oasis!”

Pedro struggles to bring his head up to look. “Juan... I think so my friend. I think so... But it is likely a mirage. I am too weak, too hungry, to


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Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a minute ago,

and he splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right crutch! Then he splashed some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!"

"My boy, you've witnessed a miracle! What happened then?"

"He fell on his ass Father, he's a cripple you know!"


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A miracle

A rabbi walks through a Jewish town and then he spots a fat guy who is eating pork. The rabbi is upset and prays, whishing for the fat guy to be sick from eating this "un-clean" food.
After few minutes the rabbi changes his mind: he realized he was too strict: so he prays, prays very hard to undo his previous prayer.
And lo, there was a miracle: nothing happened to the fa


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Did you hear about the miracle building in Bethlehem?

It was built through immaculate construction

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Heard this one on the radio this morning.

An 80 year old man sees a hot young lady in the store. He approaches her and says "I don't mean this to sound like a pickup line, but you look familiar. Are you a doctor?" The young lady says "yes sir I am, I'm a urologist". The old man says "oh yeah I went to you 10 years ago because me and the wife were having issues in the bedroom, I was having trouble standin


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There was a time when blood poisoning had negative connotations.





But that was before Mr. Edward T. Blood Poisoning of Rhode Island developed the universal Panacea. His miracle cure, when administered intravenously with a lime chaser, cures all diseases and ailments. Manufactured from simple ingredients like toothpaste and cement, the Blood Poisoning Cure was quickly brought to market at a reasonable price by Edwards new company, Bl


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Hollywood is making The Feeding of the 5000 based on Jesus' miracle.

In France it's going to be called The Poisson of the Christ.

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I took my regular dose of Viagra, which lasts an hour

But then a Chanukah miracle occurred and now I'm in the hospital.

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A paraplegic walks into a bar

And its a fucking miracle.

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Nobody talks about Jesus ultimate miracle.

Having 12 close friends in his 30s.

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Jesus's miracle

Who said Jesus didn't perform miracles? He found mates called Matthew, Mark, Luke and John just hanging about in The Middle East.

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What was the most unbelievable miracle that Jesus performed?

Having 12 close friends in his thirties.

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I prayed to God to help me get a new car, and I woke up to a giant dollop of mayonnaise in my driveway.

I guess he gave me a Miracle Whip.

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So sick of double standards these days.

When God reveals himself, it is miracle and all sing praises; however, when I revealed myself at Walmart, I got fucking arrested.

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What are the secret ingedients in Viagra?

Miracle Gro and Fix A Flat.

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If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

it would be a miracle because Americans would use a measuring system that wasn’t invented by a drunken scientist.

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There is an overseer called Miracle working on my plantation.

Miracle whips.

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Sex before marriage is considered a sin

And after marriage a miracle

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Mike Pence and conservative doctors in Indiana announced a miracle pill to cure homosexuality

Only one problem. It’s an 8-inch long suppository.

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Two old men were discussing a new hearing aid...

Merle: Boy I tell ya! This new hearing aid is a miracle. Haven’t heard this good in 30’years!

Herm: that’s great! What kind is it?

Merle: 10:30

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How do you tell if something is a miracle?

You look for the stamp.


(I know I have heard this before, does anyone know the origins or where it has previously popped up?)

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A mum and a dad give birth to a child.

He was a perfectly healthy baby boy but there was a small catch. He was just a head. So the parents though ok that weird but raised him and loved him none the less. They had to carry him around and feed him. Then on his eighteenth birthday his dad took him for his first legal pint. The dad lifted up his son so he could take a sip. After he had taken a sip miraculously the child neck grew. He takes


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In a small convent

There was the priests side and the sisters side, and there was only one large bathroom, with several showers.

In order to not disturb the sisters, the priests went all together to take their showers around midnight. On one of those nights, at the bathroom and already naked, one of the priests exclaims: "Heavens - we are running out of soaps. See, there's two missing."


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I dont think Jesus preformed a miracle by walking on water.

I just think it happened to be really cold outside.

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On his 25th wedding anniversary, a man asks his wife if she ever cheated on him

"I've cheated on you three times" she says.

"When was the first?" he asks

"Well, remember 20 years ago when you wanted to start your business but no bank would give you a loan, then miraculously one bank did? It was no miracle. I fucked the bank manager."

The husband said "Well, if it weren't for that, I'd hav


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It's like a miracle when blind men saw trees for the first time.

In particular when they manage not to be killed when they fall.

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I'll cry at my wedding

because it's a miracle it's happening

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What's long, hard, and gives women pleasure?

The miracle of childbirth.

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A man took his son that had only a head for a body, down to the pub for his first pint...

The son took a sip and whoosh out popped his arms.

He took another sip and whoosh out popped his torso.

After seeing such a miracle he took another sip and whoosh out popped his legs.

The son was so excited he ran out into the road screaming, but got hit by a car.

The barman told the dad ‘he should have quit while he was a head.’


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The Priest and the Tiger

A priest visits the zoo, but accidentally trips over, landing in the tiger enclosure. The tiger slowly approaches the priest, so the priest begins to pray.

To his surprise the tiger prays too.

'Its a miracle!' The priest exclaims. 'I thought you were going to eat me.'

'Shut up you idiot, I'm just saying grace!' Replies the


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(Long) A Reverend, A Priest, and A Rabbi have a competition.

They have a competition to Dr who is the best at their job. They have be convert a bear
"I preached him God's Holy word and Baptised him," the Reverend says.
"I have him a miracle and made him a minister," the Priest replies.
The Rabbi looks over from a stretcher, " Maybe I shouldn't have started with a circumcision... "


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What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip

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Jesus's greatest miracle..

A dude in his thirties with 12 friends

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Easter miracle! Jesus has arisen again!

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Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that?

Trump Quaaluded with the Russians

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My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

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I used to make movies for a company called Miracle Productions. Our slogan was, "If it's a good movie..."

"...it's a miracle!"

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What is the biggest miracle of Jesus Christ?

Being white in Middle East.

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