Minute

Jokes

Uptown funk hitler remix

Stop, vwait a minute, pizza ovens put the jews in it.

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All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they jus


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What do Disney World amp Viagra have in common?

They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride

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What did the little hand on the clock say to the big hand?

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I dont understand you, cried my girlfriend.

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What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?

They both make you stand around for an hour and wait for a two minute ride.

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Which way are you going?

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My favorite uncle told this joke about a week before he passed away. He did it with a thick Irish brogue.

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An old man...

An old man hobbles into an ice cream parlor. After he takes a minute to catch his breath, he orders an ice cream sunday.

"Crushed nuts, sir?"

"No, Arthritis"

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A young man wakes up one night and jumps into bed with his grandmother...

Half an hour later, his father catches them in the act, and unsurprisingly begins beating him. "Now wait a minute," shouts the son. "All this time you've been screwing my mother without a word from me, yet you're getting angry when you catch me just *once* on top of yours?"


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Guy walks up to his wife and tells her to say something that makes him both happy and sad.

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A hen was holding a pen...

And proceeded to give me a lure. She pointed and said, "I'll ink, you bait the egg,"



(if you don't get it right away, just sit on it for a minute)

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

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When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 15 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

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You're dumb if you use contractions. It's lazy, and they never should've been invented.

Wait a minute...

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Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" and I felt really special. Then, she asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she s


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A hostage finds a minute to call 911 and says I know you told me not to call here anymore cuz if I hate cops so much next time Im in trouble I should call a gangster

but thats what Im doing right now

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Ms. Jenkins was asking multiplication questions to fourth grade students. It was Toby's turn...

Ms. Jenkins asked, "Toby, what's five times five?" Toby found the question hard and after thinking about it for a minute he said "I think it's 25!" Ms. Jenkins was disappointed. She said "Toby dear, you are old enough. You shouldn't think to answer this question." Toby replied, "Well then, I don't think it's 25."


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For every 60 seconds,

a minute passes in Africa. Help this stop ,guys.

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10 excellent excuses when you are caught napping at your desk

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Did you know, every sixty seconds in Africa

A minute passes

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Wife: Its our wedding anniversary in a week, darling. How do you think we should celebrate?

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What passes every minute.

A human.

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Which DC Comics villain basically had disfigurement destined for his future the minute he was born?

Harvey Dent

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Bartender walks into a horse. Horse says wait a minute, lets try this again.

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Two people prepare to have sex for the first time, but one of them hesitates

"Wait a minute, isn't this a little rash?"

"No, it's gonorrhea."

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Tell me a tongue twister...

Guy: Dick

Girl: But dick is not a tongue tw--- wait a minute

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A recent study says sex burns 3.6 calories a minute...

So that’s why I’m fat.

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An athiest walks into a bar.

Everybody knew this when he told everybody in the first minute.

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Think of 43

Just take a minute and think of the number 43.

It is not divisible by any smaller number, except 1.

It is a prime number!

Isn't that nice?

Thank you for your undivided attention.

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A cowboy walks into a saloon

He picks his gun out of his holster and shoots the lamp hanging just above him. After that everybody looked at the cowboy wondering why he did that.
The cowboy waited for a few seconds and then said: ‘who had sex with my wife!’
Everybody was silent for a good minute until ol’ Joe in the back said: ‘ you are gonna run out of bullets pretty soon i’m afraid!


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What do you call a Roman who'll be back in just a minute?

Momentarius

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What is courage ?

A philosophy professor gives a final exam consisting entirely of a single question “What is courage ?”


Within a minute of the start of the test, one student answers “This is.” and hands in his paper.


He receives an A+.

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The internet is an amazing thing

One minute I'm at work looking up random pages, passing the time, the next minute I'm at home looking for a new job. !!

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Trip advisor

When you think about it, 'Hotel California' is just a bad 'Trip Advisor' review with a three minute guitar solo.

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What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

...It's gonna take me a minute to get hard, i just got laid this morning..

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Why can't you read the following sentence at 120 words per minute

Because, adding, commas, can, slow, down, the, speed, a, person, normally, reads, at

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I forgot what dementia is... can someone- WAIT A MINUTE

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Christmas Eve, cop pulls over a man for speeding

Cop says "Listen, It's Christmas, I wanna end my shift and go home, and not have to do paper work. If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before, I'll let you off".

Speeder thinks a minute, then replies "My wife left me for a cop, and I was afraid he was you and you were bringing her back to me."


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A Doctor Over Hears...

A patient being rude to the staff after a short bit of time of yelling and cursing at them the patient enters the doctors office. Immediately complains to the doctor about a cold they have. The doctor simply asks for them to open the mouth. The patient does it irritatingly. The doctor put in the thermometer ask the patient to hold it in the mouth for a minute. After a few minutes of checking the p


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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold


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My Dad went out for a minute to get a pack of e-cigs

He should be back any day now!

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How many students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but they'll leave it till last minute to Turnitin

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The wife walked in from work and started a 20 minute rant about her ill fitting bra.

Apparently, she had to get it off her chest.

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Tough question

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy’s mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It’s true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised ov


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Whoever killed hitler is my hero

Wait a minute

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So the Pope is super early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold


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A farmer walks up to a blind man and says...

You know how you can tell this isn’t a milking stool?

The blind man thinks for a minute, but reluctantly says he has no idea.

It’s simple. Milking stools have only three legs because the cow has the udder.

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When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

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Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all hired to do movies about the big three classical music composers. The director gives them the choice on who they play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".

Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "Eh, I'll be Mozart then."

Everyone then turns to Arnold who looks down with a sigh, "I'll be Bach".

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