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Jokes

The Problem With Assumption

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top she


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You know how drinks always mention "Please drink responsibly" ?

... Well I want to start a beef jerky brand that mentions "Please jerk responsibly"

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A man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter is there with his book and asks for his name.

The man says "Gordon Jones."

St. Peter finds his name and says "Okay. Let's review your life to see if you can enter Heaven."

St. Peter is reviewing Gordon's life and sees that he was a loving father, faithful husband and life-saving doctor. They review his long list of goo


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A man is walking down an alleyway...

A man is walking down an alleyway when he encounters a lamp, he rubs it with caution and out pops a genie, who is dressed like a Douchebag. "I will grant you three wishes, however, whatever you wish for, your ex - wife gets double". The man thinks for a bit then replies with "1 Million dollars, please", The genie responds with "OK, but just note, that your ex - wife has ju


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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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A bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, “Thanks.”

I said, “Don’t mention it.”

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Overheard in the school: Peeta, can you mention to me seven Wild animals of the savannah?

Peeta: Yes, two elephants and five gieraffes

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I remember when cosmetic surgery was considered taboo.

Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow!

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An elephant escaped from the zoo yesterday.

Police believe it's hiding in a room somewhere. Citizens are requested not to mention it.

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My girlfriend died and I had to break the news to everyone.

The most difficult person to tell was my former best friend, because every time I mention his mother he tries to choke me.

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A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.

They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together.


They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The


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New study finds that women with few extra pounds live longer

than men who mention about them

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Whats the difference between a guitar, a tuna, and a pot of glue?

What’s the difference between a guitar, a tuna, and a pot of glue?

Person: I don’t know.

You can tuna guitar but you can’t guitar a tuna.

Person: didn’t you mention a pot of glue also?

I knew you’d get stuck on that.

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Remember when plastic surgery used to be a taboo subject?

Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.


<sorry if it's a repost>.

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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

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Did you know that some people get paid to mention products in their Instagram posts? That's crazy...

But not as a crazy as the discounts you'll get at Allen's Furniture Emporium!!

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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

They never mention that part to us, do they .

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When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

*These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow!!!*

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Its true

Scientists say the universe is made up of neutrons, protons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

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What was the first mention of soccer in the bible...

Jeusus goes up for the cross and gets nailed by the Romans.

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I bought my friend an elephant for his room yesterday

He said “Thanks”
I said “Don’t mention it”

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There are 30 cows and 28 chickens. How many didnt?

I just want to mention that idk if this has been posted yet lol.

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University students regularly complain about the increasing cost of their tuition and standard of living but never mention the costs that are actually decreasing

Like the cost of employing University graduates

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Remember when plastic surgery was taboo? Now you mention Botox,

No one even raises their eyebrow.

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There may very well be "more than one way to skin a cat" as they say...

but they never really mention why you'd NEED more than one

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Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo?

Well, now when you mention botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.

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Just finished reading the entire Mueller Report.

Not even one mention of a "blue dress." What gives?

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I was recently told that I have short term memory loss.

Oh and by the way, did I mention that I also have short term memory loss?

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I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said thanks.
I told him don't mention it.

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Trump is a huge fan of fruit

What with 'Tim Apple' and 'the oranges' - not to mention that he's completely bananas.

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Remember when plastic surgery was taboo, now if you mention Botox

no one even raises an eyebrow..

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I like to say youre in my prayers to people I despise...

Did I mention I’m an atheist?

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I bought my friend an elephant for his room...

He said, "Thanks". I said, "Don't mention it".

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I was scanning radio stations and landed on a religious show where the host made mention of Jesuss will.

I thought “wow, someone should read that. It would probably solve a lot of arguments.”

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If everyone saw the world through my eyes

there'd be widespread fatalities in transportation and medicine not to mention mass panic as everyone started falling over and bumping into stuff

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I bought my friend an elephant for their room

They said "Thank you"
I said "Don't mention it"

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I bought my friend an elephant for his new dorm room

He said thanks.

I said don't mention it

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I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks" I said "Don't mention it"

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A man goes to the doctor, complaining of hemorrhoids.

The doctor examines him, writes him a prescription for suppositories, and tells him to come back in a week for a follow-up. When the man returns, he's quite upset.

"Doctor, my hemorrhoids havent gotten any better! Not to mention, those suppositories taste terrible!" he complains.

The doctor says, "Wait, you haven't been eating them, have you?&


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Remember when plastic surgery was a touchy subject?

Now when you mention Botox nobody raises an eyebrow

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Remember when plastic surgery was a touchy subject?

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow

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My dad was a workaholic.

You mention work, he got drunk.

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If I saw my son playing with a Barbie I'd slap it out of his hands.

Because they are manufactured in China and I can't support products that are offshoring labor to a country with numerous human rights violations. Not to mention, that's super gay.

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Rule number 1 of the thesaurus club:

Never discuss, mention, speak of, or talk about the Thesaurus Club.

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Cosmetics used to be so taboo...

but now you mention botox and nobody raises an eyebrow




Credit: Nikki Osborne on Show me the Movie

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Remember when plastic surgery was such a taboo subject?

now you mention botox and no one raises an eyebrow

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Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

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Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, “but I don’t know her size.”
“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
“Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”
“Will there be anything else?” the sales g


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Guy is at a bar...

And says to the bartender slurring, "if my wife finds out I got so drunk and puked on my shirt, she'll kill me."
Bartender says, "here's what you do. Put a $10 bill in your front pocket and say some other guy got sick on you and paid you for dry cleaning."
"Ok, I'll try that."

Guy gets home and drunkenly says, "some guy at


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Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons.

They forgot to mention morons.

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