Measure

Jokes

A Uranus joke

*Okay my mom used to tell me this when i was little and it made me laugh. Here's how it goes.*

Why do we measure the length between Neptune and Uranus?

Because we want to see how far the brown line goes!

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(No spoilers) What did Daredevil say after begrudgingly agreeing with The Punisher's brutally honest opinion that he's just a half-measure?

"You're such a Frank Castle."

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My ruler broke today, so my friend let me use his broken one.

It was a half measure.

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A guy walks into a tailor shop.

He tells the tailor he needs to be fitted for a tux. The tailor starts to measure him, and the guy asks "What are you doing?" The tailor says "I'm measuring you to get the right fit." The guy exclaims "I'll do that part myself." So the tailor says "Fine, suit yourself."


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How do cats measure the gracefulness of their leaps?

In fluid pounces!

(just came up with this at work, so hopefully this is a new joke to everyone!)

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My friend claimed to have made a 61 foot long candy cane.

But my tape measure was only 60 feet long...

I guess you could say, his achieve***mint*** was immeasurable.

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There once lived a ruler

who lied on his bed all day. He didn't measure up.

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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.

One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for


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I don't think I'll ever measure up to my father's ridiculous standards, nor will he ever be proud of me.

Here's an example: when I turned 5 years old, he came into my room and told me "boy, by the time I was your age, I was already 7."

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Here's a tip on How to Date for the First Time.

Measure the ratio of C-14 atoms to C-12 atoms.

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How do you measure chicken shit?

By the cluck-ton

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I bought a suit designed from a ruler.

It was made to measure.

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How does a "niceguy" measure how hot a woman is?

Incelsius

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She swipes a tape measure and quietly wraps it around her victims neck

Victim (disgruntled) : What the fuck are you doing?

: Taking your measurements sir.

: Well go away. You’re making me uncomfortable.

: Fine then, suit yourself!

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Rich, Dave, and Johnny



Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run you about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for


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There are three guys a black guy, a white guy and an asian.

They get pulled over by a VERY gay police officer for speeding and he tells them if all together their penises add up to 20 inches, then he will let them go.

So they measure the black guy’s penis and its 10 inches.

Then they measure the white guy’s penis and It’s 9 inches.

They then measure the Asian guy’s penis and its 1 inch.


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The Length Contest

There was this contest for longest lengths on the human body made by an eccentric billionaire who would pay 100 dollars per centimeter on any length measured on a person.


Tall Guy: Measure me from my head to toe!
And it measured 186cm, he gets 18600 dollars


Second Guy thinks he is smarter: Measure me from tip of my toe to the tip of my finger! <


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How do we measure planets?

With a scale, what else would you expect

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An American, a European, and an Asian go to hell.

An american, a European, and an Asian go to hell. They meet the devil and he says ¨You will forever be in hell, but, if the three of your penises combined measure 50 cm or more, you shall receive one more chance, and return to Earth.

They agree, and they measure their penises.

American, measure the European′s penis!

Its 23 cm sir!

Now y


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I made a new unit to measure weight

It's the new ton.

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How do Sith Lords measure things?

In absolute units.

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The secret to a large penis...



Is how you measure it...

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A black guy, a white guy, and an Asian guy are riding in a car.

They get pulled over for speeding and the cop tells them if all together their penises add up to 20 inches, then he will let them go.

So they measure the black guy’s penis and its 10 inches.

Then they measure the white guy’s penis and It’s 9 inches.

They then measure the Asian guy’s penis and its 1 inch.

Since they add up


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A Black guy, a White guy, and an Asian guy are riding in a car.

They get pulled over for speeding and the cop tells them if all together their penises add up to 20 inches, then he will let them go.

So they measure the black guy’s penis and its 10 inches.

Then they measure the white guy’s penis and It’s 9 inches.

They then measure the Asian guy’s penis and its 1 inch.

Since they add up


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Why don't we measure radiation decay in lives?

Because /#HalfLivesMatter

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How do you measure the size of a Vine channel?

In square footage

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How do you measure the size of a Vine channel?

In square footage!

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Rich, Dave, and Johnny are contractors.

Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 p


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How do black people measure processor clock speed?

Niggahertz

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Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

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What do they measure vape batteries in?

Juuls.

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Government Contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900.


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Three contractors bid on a fence in front of the White House

hree contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC:
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third, is from
Florida . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he says, 'I figure


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Fence repair at the Canadian Parliament

Three contractors are bidding to repair a fence at the Parliament Buildings. One is from Montreal, another is from Winnipeg and the third is from Vancouver.
All three go with a public works official to examine the fence.
The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil ."Well," he says, "I figure the job wil


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How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.

Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.

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How many politicians does it take to fill a bucket full of crap?

No seriously, we’re asking there’s so much we have no way to measure.

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A lady goes to the doctor...

The doctor uses a stethoscope to measure the heartbeat of the lady and immediately discovered something strange.

Doctor: I'm sorry to say this but it's fatal and you do not have long to live

Lady: How long?

Doctor: Ten

Lady: Ten? Ten what?!

Doctor: Nine...

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I had to have my knees X-Rayd today..

The doctor said " Your patellas only measure 2.54cm"


"Inch high knees?" I said.


"你的髌骨只有2.54厘米" He replied.

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How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

Credits to: Adam pacitti

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A woman looked at my naked body and said, "I thought you told me you had 11 inches?"

I should have explained that I measure from my butthole.

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How did the man hope to measure his hopelessness?

He searched for the the sin of his angle of depression.

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How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

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How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

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How do you measure how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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How do you Measure how Heavy a Red Hot Chili Pepper Is?

&amp;#x200B;

&amp;#x200B;

&amp;#x200B;

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

&amp;#x200B;

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How does the depressed teenager measure speed?

Km/S

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Yo mama's so fat...

...they don't measure her in distance anymore, they measure her in years

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Why does that guy sleeps with a ruler?

To measure how long he sleeps.

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I measure my penis in Planck lengths...

And I still can't get wood.

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How do you measure the speed in which one writes?

The Pen Etch Rate

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