Mate

Jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender charges him 15
cents. Confused but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while, he decides to have another beer
and some food, so he
orders another beer and a steak. The bartender
charges him 50 cents,
15 for the beer and 35 for the food.
After finishing his food and drink, he calls the
bartender over and
says, "Mate, that w


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Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat mate.

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What did the Australian toilet say?

Bidet mate!

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A man, a pub and a dare

A man goes to a pub for a drink and spies on the counter a glass jar filled with $50 notes.
"bartender, what's this then" the man asks while pointing to his favourite ale on tap.
"oh, that's for the local dare we got set up, put in $50, you do three things and you get the whole jar. First you have to knock out the bouncer at the Pink Panther club down the roa


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My mate got "Stella Artois" tattooed onto his stomach.

Now he's got a beer belly.

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Your gambling addiction is getting out of hand

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A man brought his girlfriend to his best friend's house...

A man brought his girlfriend to his best friend's house hoping this would be an fun experience for them all. Knowing that his friend gotten a new WiFi network he asked " mate can I have your WiFi password?"
"I will tell you it" said his girlfriend

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My favourite Australian Aborigine joke

One day an Aborigine named Nigel was on vacation in the US enjoying a beer in a pub when a local man sat down beside him "You're one of them blacks from Australia, aren't ya?" Nigel nodded and had another sip of his beer.

The American man continued "i hear you guys are pretty good hunters" to which Nigel replied "Sure am, mate."


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Really offensive.

A mate of mine got caught wanking in the showers. It really ruined the trip to Auschwitz.

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Homeless man walks into a very posh bar...

...heads straight to the manager and asks for a tooth pick,
Barman, "no problem, but tell your mates this is one off. Im not having the homeless knock about in here."
"Not a problem!" Homeless man replies.
Hour later another hobo steps in, asks for a tooth pick, bar man a bit annoyed repeats what he said an hour ago.
Next minute yet another ruffian sai


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My mate said he slept with a girl called Gibberish.

That's fucking nonsense.

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Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flat mate

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What's the favorite song of all australian dinosaurs?

TNT, cuz they're dino mate

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Australians don't fuck they mate

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Two chickens got into a fight.

Afterwards one apologized if it hurt the other chicken.

That chicken responded with, "All good mate. No harm, no fowl".

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Why did the Captain ask his first mate to come look at a new boat with him?

Because it never hurts to have an extra aye.

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What does an Australian call the bottom of his shoe?

His soul, mate

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Andrew Yang said if he wins the nomination he would immediately announce his running mate Ying.

He wants a balanced administration.

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What do the Aussie say when he saw the chessboard?

Check, mate.

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Tomorrow I have to pick up my mate from prison, the idiot got caught stealing a calendar.

It was alright, he only got 12 months.

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"Hey, our buddy is inmate :)"

"Did he get arrested?"

"Nope, but he is finally in, mate, the college he always talks about."

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My mate is addicted to brake fluid

He can stop at any time though

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My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition

He was close, but no cigar.

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"My wife has taken our one-year-old to the zoo," said my mate.

"Is she walking yet?" I asked.

He said, "No, not yet."

I said, "I'm not surprised after the other night, but what about the kid?"

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I never questioned my straightness until I mate one gay fellow, in Scotland

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My mate said puns about American cities are his favourite.

That was something I didn't Seattle.

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My wife has informed me she is leaving me for my best mate.

To be fair, he was just a mate until she told me.

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A boy was taking his dad's horse to mate with the neighbour's horse

Upon arriving, the neighbour sees the boy coming along and asks the boy what's he doing.


"I brought the horse to mate with yours."


"Well, and couldnt it be your dad to do it?"


"No, sir. I believe it has to be the horse."

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What does an Australian bricklayer wear at work?

A bloody hell, mate!

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I'm sick of the violent society today.

For example, a complete stranger came up to me and said "Hey mate, do you want decking?". Thankfully I'm pretty handy myself and I smacked him one first, but it shouldn't have been necessary.

Also I'm now barred from the garden centre.

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Australians don't have sex

Australians mate

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I found out recently that penguins mate for life

I wish someone would have told me that before I fucked all those penguins.

They will not leave me alone.

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Australians dont have sex

They mate

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What did the Aussie say when he turned 8?

Oi mate

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An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and closed up”... “Ahhh bummer mate”, the helpline


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The new guy is settling in his prison cell...

When all of a sudden, one of the prisoners yells:

"83!!!!"

And every prisoner starts laughing. The new guy looks at his cell mate and asks what's going on. So his cell mate explains

"Since we always tell the same jokes, we just refer to them by number to save time."

Then all of a sudden, someone yells:

"


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An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand when...

he happened to glance over a fence and see a farmer going at it with a sheep. The shocked Aussie climbed the fence and walked over to the fellow. "You know, mate," he pointedly remarked, "back home we shear those."

The New Zealander looked at the intruder defiantly and said, "I'm not bloody shearing this with no one."


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3 way

I was having a 3 way and my mate asks how can you tell the difference I said well the brothers got a moustache

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Want to know how pokemon find a mate

They use Pokegrinder

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Captain of the ship

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a 'little' stowed away rum. Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning.

The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: 'The first mate was drunk today.'

"Captain please don't let that stay in


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What did the pirate captain say when he caught his first mate hiding a rooster in his treasure chest?

**Get yer cock out of me booty!**

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My mate runs marathons but he wouldn't do the egg and spoon at his kid's school sports day.

Bloody racist.

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What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted, mate.

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My mate Sid had his ID stolen.

Now we just call him “S”.

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Two british men in a motorcycle club were talking...

One says to the other:

Man 1: Would you like to see me do a trick on this sand dune
Man 2: Yeah, sounds good

As Man 1 gets on his motorcycle, Man 2 notices that Man 1 wasn’t wearing the appropriate gear. So Man 2 says to him:

Man 2: Hey, shouldn’t you be wearing something protective.
Man 1: Don’t you worry about me, I’ve be


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A man who escaped from a mental health center walks into a bar...

A man who escaped from a mental health center walks into a bar and takes the kids.


Or at least he thought it was a bar. The psycho takes them to an abandoned church and starts to fuck them.

"Am I a bad man? Am I a good sex mate?" He says.

"Both." said all of his cousins.

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A captain's first mate climbed to the top deck of the ship

He saw the ship's wheel dangling from the captain's crotch. He called out, "Ahoy cap'n what be that on yer crotch?"
"I don't rightly know laddie, it's drivin' me nuts!"

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My mate went to Holland and bought me back a life size blow up dolly that gives blow jobs. I thought that's nice.

Two Lips from Amsterdam.

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Why did the wombat cross the road?

To see his flat mate

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So Steve Irwin walks into a bar for stingrays

The bartender stingray says "Ayy, Bloke, we don't serve your kind here!"

Steve responds with a chuckle and replies "I'm not asking to be served mate, I'm looking for somebody. I got a bone to pick with one-a-you."

The bartender stingray says "Alright bloke, I can see you mean business." He turns around and shoots a sideways n


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