Massage

Jokes

When the Son of Odin beat on the Hulk with Mjonir...

It didn't actually hurt me too bad, the Hulk thought. Especially when the God of Thunder hit him in the back, it was rather like a Swedish massage. So the Hulk let Odinsson whale away. Why did he do this?


Because he was Thor.

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I went to college to get a degree in massage therapy

Because I want to be a misogynist.

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Husband stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced

"From now on you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex I want! Afterwards you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry


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You should get a foot massage

They are good for the soul

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I finally found a "Happy Ending" massage!

I just always thought the *customer* received the handjob

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OC A man was getting a massage.

The masseuse asks him, “Are you tight in your neck?” 

He replies, “No I will not be.”

“How about your back?”

“No I wasn’t.”

“Your legs?”

“No I have.”

“Your feet?”

“No I will.”

The masseuse


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What do you call a physical therapist who believes men are superior?

A massage-inist

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Mr. Epstein is no longer allowed within one mile of my school.

Not sure how I'm supposed to apply for that massage therapy internship, now.

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What is the gayest job that is not technically gay?

Massage therapist on a submarine.

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What has your massage and game of thrones got in common?

They both go on far too long and there's no chance for a happy ending.

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What has your massage and game of thrones got in common?

They both go on far too long and there's no chance for a happy ending.

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The guy who de-tenses my muscles hates women

He's a real massage-inist

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A man visits Thailand and sees a massage parlor

It is charging 200$. But he’s heard a lot about the famous ‘massages’ and goes in. 20 minutes later he comes screaming out that they massaged only his legs and that he was cheated. The manager looks up to him and says -“ Sir, this is a THAI massage parlor”.

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Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What is he happy about?

All the things he didn't know he kneaded.

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Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident...

This isn't the first time he got off...

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What do you call a mentally challenged person who works in a massage parlour?

Handi-capable

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The Massage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then


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The Massage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then


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Three fishermen are fishing at a lake.

So they're sitting there with their fishing rods, early spring. The lake had just lost its ice coat and was in perfect condition for fishing. Suddenly, the fisherman to the left gets a big one. He gets up to pull it in, but it's too strong. He gets pulled into the lake with the rod. The other two fishermen are shocked. "C'mon, we gotta save him!", the one to the right said


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I went to this massage parlor

This beautiful Philippine lady was giving me a rub. She had great hands and a soft voice. I kept thinking to myself "don't get a boner, dont get a boner"

And then she did.

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I found a massage parlor offering swedish massages,

but I was looking for a happy Finnish.

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A blonde bought a bull, had it for a year, and then put it up for sale. The ad read...

Easy to milk compared to cows, no need to pull the teats, gives half a cup after a mere massage on the lone teat of it's udder!

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The massage parlor up the road was throwing a promotion for repeast customers

They called it a male in rebate

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I read that Robert Kraft was actually trying to get a massage from a high-end ladyboy but his credit card was declined.

So this whole mess is just a result of his cancelled transaction.

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NE Patriots owner Robert Kraft was given a plea deal to avoid jail sentencing for a massage parlor prostitution sting

I guess having a good lawyer cums in handy.

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Do you know why New England Patriots Owner Robert Kraft was at the massage parlor?

To get his balls deflated.

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My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

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What do you call it when a male physical therapist doesnt support women?

Massage a knee.

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Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors.

But sometimes they come in handy.

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New England Patriots gates....

When they filmed the other teams practicing it was called "Spygate"

When Brady used deflated balls it was called "Deflategate"

Now that Bob Kraft is in trouble for visiting a full service massage parlor, would that be called, "Tailgate"?

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Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots got busted for soliciting prostitution at a massage parlor in Florida.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it though, i heard it had a happy ending.

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What do you get when you cross Robert Kraft with a massage parlor?

Deflated Balls.

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What do you get when you cross Robert Kraft with a massage parlor?

Deflated Balls.

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What did the American Military guys say at the Asian Massage Parlor when asked what they did for a living?

We /r/Patriots.

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What did the American Military guys say at the Asian Massage Parlor when asked what they did for a living?

We /r/Patriots.

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I know my loneliness will end today because I believe in happy endings.

I’m on my way to a massage parlor.

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A chicken wants some massage.

"Ainsley......give your meat a good ol' rub"

​

HEHE BOI!

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Sign in the window of local massage parlor

"We fix $5.00 blowjobs"

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Massage Humor

A Jewish man walked into a massage clinic looking for deep tissue. They bring him back and afterwards, he comes out looking disappointed. They ask him why and he replies, "She was too gentile."

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Massage Humor

A Jewish man walked into a massage clinic looking for deep tissue. They bring him back and afterwards, he comes out looking disappointed. They ask him why and he replies, "She was too gentile."

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A man takes a wallet to the patent office..

...and tells the patent officer he would like to apply for a patent for this special wallet he had designed. The patent agent tells him that he is about a hundred years too late to get a patent for a wallet. The man says,”I don’t think you understand. This is a special wallet made from foreskins. When you massage it ...it turns into a suitcase.”


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My local Avril Lavigne themed massage parlor just shut down...

So much for my happy ending.

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I was promised an hour of body massage with a happy ending.

At the end of 60 minutes, they lived happily ever after.

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Drove by my old military recruiting office and it turned into a massage parlor that's open very late..

So it's good to know there are still people getting fucked in there!

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Yo mama so ugly...

It takes a blind man wearing gloves to massage her

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A man goes into a Massage Parlor for his first Thai Massage

He's a little nervous because he's never gotten one before.

Before they start the woman asks him if he has any questions.

He says, "What should I expect?"

She replies, "Well you'll wear loose, comfortable clothing and lie on a mat. Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotions. There is constant body contact between the giver


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My massage therapee asked how long I have been a meseur for.

I guarentee you all...I am not now nor have ever been French.

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Why do bird massueses hate women?

Because they massage-a-nest

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A man came home from work one afternoon.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I’m the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious desert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw


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My friends surprised me with a massage for my bachelor party today.

I was really touched

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