Lunatic

Jokes

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”

“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

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There was a lunatic yelling bomb threats on my plane

Security had to drag me off

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What do you call a tick on the moon?

Lunatic.

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What do you call someone who thinks that the moon is winking at him?

A lunatic

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If one were born on the moon

Will they be called a lunatic.

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If youre the assistant to the assistant lunatic...

You’re a coconut.

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An old guy in his Volvo is driving home

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".

"It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"


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(Not an original joke whatsoever but it's a good one.) There are two lunatics at an insane asylum.

They have each been there for about 10 years and have known each other for 9 years. They are best friends and trust each other. One day the first lunatic says let's break out of here tonight at 10 PM. They stay awake and get out of their confinements and meet up at 10. Carefully they creep past the guards and make it to the roof. The first lunatic says okay we will have to jump to that roof.


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OC What do you get when you cross a blood sucking insect with a moon worshiping cult?

A lunatic.

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Husband and wife are driving on a highway...

“Honey be careful!” There’s been news of a crazy lunatic driving in the wrong direction on the highway!”

“There’s not just one, there are hundreds!”

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A man is driving down the freeway

when his wife calls him. He picks up and asks what the matter is. She says, "I want you to be careful honey, I heard on the radio there's a lunatic barreling down the highway going the wrong way." He replies, "it's much worse than that, there's hundreds of them

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Two Guys in a Lunatic Asylum

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum… and one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light… stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across w


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What do you call a lunatic who believes they have an invisible army?

The next president of the United States

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What do you call a tick that lives on the moon?

A lunatic.

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An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".

"It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

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Two guys locked in a lunatic asylum.

Joker: See there were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum. And one night, one night they decided they didn't like that anymore. They decided to escape.
So they made it up to the roof and there, just across the narrow gap, they see rooftops, stretching across the town, stretching to freedom.
Now, the first guy he jumps right across, no problem.
But his friend, no way, he'


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2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum.

See, there were 2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum. One night, they decided to escape. They made it up to the rooftop, across this narrow gap, they see rooftops. Stretching out into freedom.

The first guy, he jumps across no problem. But his friend, nope, afraid of falling. First guy thinks of an idea, he says "hey, i got this flashlight with me, I'll shine it across the gap


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What do you call a crazy person on the Moon?

A lunatic.

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A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.

Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*

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An old man was driving along the highway...

...when a traffic emergency came on the radio.

"Attention all drivers on Highway 11, there is a lunatic driving on the wrong side of the road!"

The old man muttered to himself; "A lunatic? More like hundreds!"

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A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum.

He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.

Headline in the local newspaper next day read,

"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts”.

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There were two guys in a lunatic asylum (LONG).

This joke is in honor of the Batman comic The Killing Joke getting a movie release (no matter how lukewarmly it was received).

So there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum, and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they are going to escape.

So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see t


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There were two guys who were locked up in a lunatic asylum

there were two guys who were locked up in a lunatic asylum and one night, one night they decided they didn't like that anymore. they decided to escape. so they made it up to the roof and there just across this narrow gap they see rooftops stretching across town, stretching to FREEDOM. now the first guy, he jumps right across no problem, but his friend, "ho ho no way," he's afra


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There's a disturbing movie about an evil German lunatic who creates an ass-to-mouth chain of people who digest each other's shit.

You know, that documentary about the Trump campaign.

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There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...

[deleted]

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Lunatic escapes from an asylum, goes to a launderette where he rapes three women before running off into the woods. Next morning's newspaper headlines read....

# **NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**

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What do you call a lunatic from Spain?

[deleted]

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What do you call a tick on the moon?

A lunatic.

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There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight...stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across w


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Yeah, I carry a gun. You got to. You never know when some lunatic is going to come up and say ...

"you're fired."

(c) Dave Attell

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What idiot called it a moon enthusiast and not a lunatic

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If a crazy lunatic is screaming "God help me, please" in the middle of the road, what should you do?

God knows

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Did you hear about the lunatic who tried swimming in the river in Paris?

He was in seine

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Some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway". "It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"


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423 lunatic escapes

Around 1960, Elazığ, Turkey. 423 lunatic escapes from Elazığ Asylum and spreads out in the city.

Famous doctor Mutemet Yazıcı is the head of hospital. Security officers concerned and seeks advice from him.

Mr. Mutemet asks for a whistle and tells his staff to stick on his back and follow.

Doc at the front, couple of staff behind starts roaming city as a


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3 Lunatics

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, and the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first l


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Walking past a lunatic asylum

Walking past a lunatic asylum , and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over .all the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13, finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a stick and then they started shouting 14, 14, 14, 14,


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Three lunatics

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city.

"That's impossible says the doctor.

You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back."

But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, and the doctor says

"OK! If you can answer a simple question


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What do you call a tick on the moon?

A lunatic

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Did you hear the newspaper headline about the escaped lunatic who raped a woman and ran away?

"Nut screws and bolts".

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A man is driving alone on a dark road...

when suddenly the car starts to tip to one side. he stops on the roadside just to realize one of his tires is completely busted. as he begins switching the tire, he notices the nearby shadowy building is actually an insane asylum. the wheel needs replacing so he pulls out the jack and takes out the four bolts connecting the wheel to the car. meanwhile, one of the patients from the asylum climbs th


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What did the lunatic vacuum cleaner salesman say to his son before murdering him?

Dyson.

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There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...and one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape. So, like, they get up to the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight. Stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But


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Falling off Bed

A lunatic falls off his bed. He quickly gets up. 10 minutes later, he falls again. He thinks to himself "Good thing I got up 10 minutes ago, or I might have fallen on myself"

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Man with a mission

A guy is standing next to an open manhole cover. While smiling and giggling he points down towards the manhole and keeps repeating Twenty six... Twenty six.. Continuosly.

Curiosity got the better of one drunk passerby who was slightly amused by this behaviour. He moves closer to the dude standing by the manhole and asks with a smile on his face.. Hey.... What you upto ?


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First joke I ever learned

An elderly man arrives home from bingo and his wife comes running up to him.

"Thank goodness you're home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!"

He responds, "*A* Lunatic? There were hundreds of them!"

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An elderly couple is taking a Sunday drive on I-80

when the wife gets a call on her new-fangled cell-phone. Her daughter is frantic, "Mom, there is a lunatic driving the wrong way down the road on I-80 near your house!"

The wife turns to her husband and says, "Did you hear that? Some maniac is driving down the wrong side of the road!"

The husband screams, "One lunatic?! There are hundreds of them


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Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?

The newspaper headlines the next day read:

#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#

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A raving lunatic walks into an arena with a whole load of Nuclear weapons at his disposal

Can't decide whether to make the joke about Trump or Putin

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