Lowered

Jokes

Yo mama so fat

She sat on Walmart and lowered the prices

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I was teaching my Son that men are only allowed to cry on two occasions:

1: When your dog dies. He’s your best mate you’ve had him since he was a pup.

2: At the end of Terminator 2 when Arnie is lowered into the molten steel with his thumbs-up.

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What happened at the funeral of the man who invented the USB?

They lowered his coffin, took it out, flipped it the other way round, then lowered it again.

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I've been sacked as chief designer of the Women's Institute naked charity calendar 2020. Apparently my first draft didn't give if the "artsy" vibe they wanted. In fact they said it was quite crude.

In hindsight making it a "lift the flaps book" might have lowered the tone slightly.

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An old lady went to visit her dentist,

When it was her turn, she squatted in the chair and lowered her underpants.

The dentist freaked out and looked at her and said

“Madam, I’m not a gynaecologist.”

“I know” she replied,

“I need you take my husbands dentures out.”

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The guy who invented the USB died the other day

When the coffin was lowered they realized that it was the other way around, so they took it up, turned it and inserted it correctly

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An expert on paranormal activity is doing a lecture tour.

He arrives at his most recent lecture location and goes inside to a packed auditorium.

He clears his throat and says "excellent, let us begin. How many people here believe in ghosts? "

Every hand in the rooms goes up.

" That's what I value, a truly open mind" he says. " Now, how many of you have seen a ghost?"


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Staunch McDauntless sat at the bar, brooding over his whiskey.

Memories of the past few weeks replayed through his head. Battles won and lost. Betrayels and new friendships. All to protect something that wasn’t even real in the first place. Now it was hopeless, and he knew it.

The bell attached to the door jangled as the old, ill fitting thing was wrenched open. Two cloaked figures moved in, settling in stools next to Staunch. The fig


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I traded in my car to get lowered interest rates. It worked.

Less girls are interested in me.

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What did the priest say when Freddie Mercury was lowered into his grave?

"This is the cleanest hole he's ever been in"

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The creator of the USB flash drive died today.

He was lowered into his coffin, flipped over, and then lowered again.

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"Hey dad, wait!" I said, "Tell me a joke before you go!"

But he didn't. He just laid in silence as they lowered his casket into the ground.

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The person who invented the USB drive is going to be lowered into his grave,

Then lifted back up, flipped over, and played in again.

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An old lady went to visit her dentist.

An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."

"I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”


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Cardi B walked into a bar

And lowered it

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The inventor of the USB died today.

They lowered his coffin, raised it back out, flipped it over, lowered it again, raised it back out, flipped it over again, then lowered it down again.

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An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."

"I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.

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Yo momma is so fat

When she sat in Walmart she lowered the prices

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After a fair amount of time spent golfing I have lowered my handicap.

I ditched my cane and now walk with just a slight limp.

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I was in San Francisco. I took off in a lane next to a self driving car. The self driving car hesitated momentarily at the green light and the vehicle behind him honked at him. So i lowered my window and yelled,

"Oh C'mon! Give it a break! It's only ***Artifically*** Intelligent!"

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I was in San Francisco. I took off in a lane next to a self driving car. The self driving car hesitated momentarily at the green light and the vehicle behind him hocked at him. So i lowered my window and yelled,

"Oh, C'mon man! Give him a break he's only ***artificially intelligent***!"

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I was in San Francisco and I took off in the lane next to self driving car. The self driving car hesitated momentarily at the green light and the vehicle behind him honked at him. So i lowered my and yelled,

"Oh c'mon man give him a break he's only ***Artifically Intelligent***
!

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A coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral...

A coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral. As it was being lowered, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out." The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "sorry mate, it's too late. I've already done the paperwork."


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A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.

Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring t


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Logan Paul walked into a bar...

and lowered it.

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The inventor of the USB died.

They lowered his coffin, raised it back out, flipped it over, lowered it again, raised it back out, flipped it over again, then lowered him again.

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A wife and a taxi driver

A wife was out with her friends when she got the news that her husband got sent to the hospital.

She saw a taxi parked and quickly went to it while her friends walked away. She knocked on the glass and the driver lowered the glass.

“What is it?” said the driver.

“My husband is in the hospital and I need to see him”

&ldq


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A farmer had a

Audi Quattro in his garage. He did maintained his car very well. Also he had a horse and few chickens and their chicks. On his field he dug a pitt . Once the chicken were scratching the ground near the pitt for seed and worms the chicks were following them .While doing this the chicks fell into the pitt all of a sudden.
The chickens ran to the farmer and told him the whole story.The farmer


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One day during a ghost-hunters convention...

One day during an annual ghost-hunter convention held in Chicago, an older gentleman sat in the audience.

The spokesperson for the event proceeded to ask the audience several questions about their experiences with the paranormal.

He first asked," how many of you have seen a ghost?"

The old man and just about everyone in the audience raised their


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Godzilla Walks into a Bar...

...and sees King Kong at the end of the bar downing whiskey, looking like he's trying to drown his sorrows.

"What's wrong, big guy? Godzilla asks.

"My old lady just ran off with another guy," says Kong, throwing back another Jack Daniels.

"That's tough! But what man could beat your time?"

"It wasn'


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A male porn star sits on the casting couch of a women's production house

An older producer sits behind her desk and says, "This is not your average porn job. We have standards. For one, you must be able to act."

"I once played King Richard the third in a Central Park Shakespeare troupe. I can act."

"Well, that is impressive," she replies, "but now it's down to brass tacks. Time to drop trou and inspect


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What did the neutral substance say when its pH was suddenly lowered by another substance?

A-ceed what you did there!

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The guy that inventeddesigned the USB plug died about a month ago.

At his funeral they lowered his coffin into the ground, then pulled it out and turned it around and put it back, then pulled it up again....

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So, a priest goes to mechanic to get tires rotated on his car...

...as car is about to be lowered from the lift, priest ask his mechanic:


"Are those lugnuts tight enough?"


*"Tighter than nun's cunt, father"*


"You best give them another tug then, son""

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Excuse me, but Im not a gynecologist. I know, said the old lady. I want you to take my husbands teeth out.

An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”


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An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, Excuse me, but Im not a gynecologist. I know, said the old lady. I want you to take my husbands teeth out.

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An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, “Excuse me, but I’m not a gynecologist.” “I know,” said the old lady. “I want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”

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Why did King Lear die?

His defense was lowered

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Corporations big and small rejoice as taxes are lowered in St. Louis for businesses.

Once again proving that famous saying; Missouri loves companies.

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What do you call a posh thief who was recently swindled and died but he had to be lowered to heaven?

A conned-ascending condescending con descending. (A little bit of wordplay but still, also, I thought of the conned-ascending)

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At the doctor's office.

So the doctor is sitting in his office when the next patient waltzes in and it is pretty clear that he is a gay dude.

After asking the necessary questions, the doctor proceeded to the physical examination and said to him:

-Please sit down and take off your shirt sir.
He then went on to put his hands on the patient's back and said to him:
-Say the word t


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Accounting Joke (from my professor)

A priest, a lawyer, and an accountant were all at the bedside of a very ill man. The man said to them,

"Gentlemen, I'm dying. Before I go, however, I want to ask you one final favor: My family is rotten and I don't want to give any of them an inheritance. I would like to be buried with the remainder of my money." He then hands the priest, the lawyer, and the accou


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Joke (for adults)

Okay, so I'm going to tell you- HEY LOOK THOSE IDIOTS THE U.S. GOVERNMENT JUST LOWERED OUR TAXES

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Perfect Penis

Johnny and his friend were at school and heard the word "penis" outside. Johnny's friend asked him if he knew what a penis was.
Johnny said he didn't know but would ask his dad when he got home.
That evening, Johnny asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?"
His father took him into the bathroom, lowered his pants and proudly announced, "Son, th


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The Most Dangerous Food.

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The Material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and non of us realizes the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what


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Thought up this one in class today. (OC) "What did the one gravedigger say to the other as they lowered the body of a patronizing embezzler into his grave?"

"It's always nice to see a condescending con descending".

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North Korea has lowered its missile back down after pointing it up for a few hours.

Turns out Viagra and MSG make for bad rocket fuel.

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Lethal Food

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone he


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