Long

Jokes

Why did it take so long for Labour to expel Alistair Campbell

It's really difficult to draw a pentagram around a moving target.

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I had been told that Hot Chocolate and Churros were a must on my trip to Barcelona...

So on the final day of my trip to Spain I had carved out some time to head down to the ramblas to a little shop that supposedly had he best hot chocolate and churros in the world. Having read that the lines were often long I had allotted a good three hours thinking it would still give me plenty of time to make my flight.

When I arrived at the shops, I was pleased to see there were o


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A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bus trip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples.

When Sarah asked why he said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

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An old Egyptian mathematician was trying to figure out how long a day was

But after 24 hours he called it a day

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Sailors are coming home after a long trip, but they want to get to a retail store before they do...

...unfortunately, even though the clothing in said store is exactly what the sailors need, the closing time will be right before the sailors reach it.

By that time, the store with be clothes for shore.

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I will never be killed by a sniper

Not by a long shot

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I often act out the names of places that I visit.

For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming. When I went to Rugby, I played rugby. When I went to Bath, I took a bath.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.

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How did the sniper get drunk even though he was nowhere near any alcohol?

It was those long distance shots

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant he’d get really excited about going outside to the beach which we


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A sad aardvark walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The aardvark says, "My best friend, a horse, no longer wants to be friends we me."

The bartender replies, "Ohhh, I'm sorry to hear that. What can I get you?"

The aardvark says, "I'll have a Budweiser."

The bartender says, "Oh wow, that really does warr


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A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom..

He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them.
He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it.
He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers.
At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.


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What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Your spine

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A man walks into a doctor's office...

He drops his pants and bends over the table to show the doctor his asshole, which is red, inflamed, and about 15 inches wide.

"Good God, man!" cries the doctor. "What happened to you?"

"Well," the man explains. "I was on safari, and I got really drunk, and I ended up having sex with a bull elephant."

"That's t


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How do West Virginians find their long lost relatives?

Incestry.com

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A boy asked his mother, "How is it that a bird can stay aloft so long and not have to rest?"

His mother replied, "Birds can do cocaine and give fellacio at the same time."

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Research has shown that women don't care at all about size.

Just as long as you don't give them the real reason as to why you're flaccid.

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What's something that causes you to slobber white foam, is long and thin so you can put in your mouth, and belongs in bathrooms?

[deleted]

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Goldilocks and the three bears

The three bears return after there long walk

Daddy Bear comes in and says whos been eating my porridge

Mummy Bear says who's been eating my porridge

Baby Bear says never mind about the porridge who the fuck has knicked the TV

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Cat Cousins (OC)

Did you hear about that bobcat who found his long lost cousin?

He followed lynx in his family.

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If brevity is the soul of wit...

Why the fuck are some the jokes posted here so long?

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Which president was famous for his long pauses?

Ellipsis S. Grant.

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An American shoe and an Australian married shoe enter a bar....

The Australian shoes says to his friend

"I got a big favor to ask you,could you nail my soulmate, please?"

"Really? Wont you get mad?!"

"Of course not, youre my best friend"

"But...why?!"

"Its something i cant do myself since i dont feel confident enough"

"... Alrigh


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Long term relationships

What's the difference between your job and your wife?

After ten years, your job still sucks.

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Did you know?

The reason it took so long to remake the lion king is because of how hard it is to train so many animals

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A worker and his rope.

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Why cant a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

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My friend said: "it's been so long since I've kissed somebody. I dont know if I still know how"

I told him: "come on, kissing is like riding a bike, you never forget."

2 great lessons my uncle taught me.

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Why were photographers so depressed before digital cameras were invented?

They spent too long processing the negatives.

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The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

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Wanna hear 2 short jokes and a long joke?

JOKE
JOKE
JOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEE

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So I said to her...

"I have a long penis."

Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long joke...Long j


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So I said to her...

I have a long penis.

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This guy asked a girl to prom.....

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Worried sex might cause problems after recovering from cardiac arrest, doctor told me as long as I could climb a flight of stairs I could have sex.

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I'd tell you about that time I read all of War and Peace, but...

It's a long story.

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I asked the doctor what my life expectancy was.

He said, "Financial troubles leading into a long-term bout of depression before an inevitable death."

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What is long and black ?

The line at KFC

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Why did the cowboy want to buy a wiener dog?

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My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship.

I live in Spain, and she lives in the future

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Dave Chappelle asked Charlie Murphy for his thoughts on the R Kelly case...

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Good things come to those who wait.

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I have 2 short jokes and a long joke

Joke joke jooooooooke

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Why did Captain America wait so long to carry Thors hammer?

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I went to get my hair cut today

But there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!!

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go camping.

After a long, eventful day they setup their tent and go to bed. In the middle of the night Dr. Watson wakes up and looks over to see Sherlock peacefully puffing his pipe as he observes the night sky. "What a view," Sherlock offers, "what does it mean to you?" "Well," Watson replies, "the infinite stars and mind-blowing reaches of the heavens implies to me that we


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Mozart was really ahead of his time.

He made elevator music long before the elevator was invented.

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Why cant a nose be 12 long?

Cause then it would be a foot.

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Chelsea Clinton was getting ready for her first day of collage.

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Brief history.

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What happens when you take too long to eat a Now or Later?

It becomes an hour later.

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