Lift

Jokes

What is green and hairy and goes up and down?

A gooseberry in a lift.

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A man goes to a camel service stop

He tells the worker "My camel won't walk, can you help?"

"Sure" He signals to the automotive lift "Put the camel on the lift"

The man drags the camel on the lift and the worker slams the camels balls with 2 bricks and it runs off

"How am i supposed to catch it now?" To which the worker replies "*sigh* On the l


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How to pick up chicks with dicks

Gentle lift them.

They prefer to be called roosters though...

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NSFW A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)


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A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)


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I'm in a long distance relationship, but not for long.

All I have to do is convince her to lift the restraining order.

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When the guy who invented the USB flash drive dies,

they are going to put his coffin in the ground, lift it back up and turn it over, then put it back into the ground.

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport-parachuting.

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What's the difference between an African and a construction worker?

One can use a forklift, the other doesn't lift a fork.

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A guy walks into a bar...

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I told my boss that I wanted to move up in the company.

He told me to take the lift.

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Two bodybuilders went on a funeral.

They gave their condolances and waited in the crowd. After some time the family was about to lift the coffin of the deceased when one of the bodybuilders said, dude let's go, I'm bored. The other replied, wait, I wanna see this deadlift.

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Me: this math stuff isn't gonna help us in the real world

\[20 years later\]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh

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A bunch of Jews, being chased by the Nazi SS, decide to hide in an unused lift of some side alley building.

They hid in the Schindler's Lift.

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My friend is an epileptic

We went to a tool concert and low and behold he starts seizing so I raise my hands to get some attention, I lift his body but people started to lift him and make him crowd surf. I lost him in the crowd and found him dead all while being the life of the party.

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Did you hear about the claustrophobic lift repair man?

He ended up venting a lot during Christmas

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Why do flamingos stand on one leg?

If they lift it up it will fall

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Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels

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NSFW Last week I severely injured my back and my doctor said You should never lift more than 20 pounds again in your life

I said, “But Doc! How am I supposed to take a piss?!?”

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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll stay and give these two a lift!

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Yo momma so voluptuous

I tried to super like her on tinder, but I couldn't lift the picture.

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A fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant.

It's lying on the ground in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.

He removes it and the elephant happily trots away.
20 years later the man in standing in London watching a circus procession pass by.

When along comes an elephant, as it gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk and lift him into the air a


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I bought my Nan a stair lift and she told me she hates it.

It’s been driving her up the wall

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Why couldnt the person lift the salt rock?

It was sodium heavy

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Two crisps are walking down the street a man pulls up in a car and asks "would you like a lift?"

The crisps say "no thanks we're walkers"

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A lady walks into a park, and finds a man lying on a bench, with nothing but a cap over his crotch

The lady says "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your cap". The man replies " If you were any sort of a hot lady, the cap would've lifted itself"

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I have a hobby of drinking fancy water in elevators

Do you Evian-Lift?

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I've been sacked as chief designer of the Women's Institute naked charity calendar 2020. Apparently my first draft didn't give if the "artsy" vibe they wanted. In fact they said it was quite crude.

In hindsight making it a "lift the flaps book" might have lowered the tone slightly.

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The other day I saw a Zomato delivery giving a lift to a random stranger

and my immediate thought was, "Oh, Zomato's venturing into human trafficking now?"

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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's a telekinetic

He bets on a bottle of whiskey that he can raise a chair with his mind. The bartender agrees and the telekinetic concentrates for a few seconds and one of the chairs lifts up in the air. The telekinetic then tells the bartender that to bring it down he needs to snap his fingers. The bartender does it and the chair softly lands.

A few days later the same guy walks into the same bar a


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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender

He bets on a bottle of whiskey that he can raise a chair with his mind. The bartender agrees and the telekinetic concentrates for a few seconds and one of the chairs lifts up in the air. The telekinetic then tells the bartender that to bring it down he needs to snap his fingers. The bartender does it and the chair softly lands.

A few days later the same guy walks into the same bar a


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What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I’ll give these two a lift!

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Americans on Reddit look down upon me when I tell them that I'm Indian.

Umm, we just need a bulldozer to lift them up from their beds and then they can, maybe, look down here.

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What's lighter than air?

A dick. It only takes thots to lift it.

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I was asked to make a setlist for my band

I play bass in a rock band at bars in the area. The lead singer asked me to make our setlist for our Friday night show and I made us a setlist... only I made up all the song titles.

MILK
THE FASTEST KID IN GARY, INDIANA
NEEDLE SOUP
DAD HAS NEW LEGS
TAINTS AND SINNERS
CLARK!
FUBBY KNUCKLE
WET PAINT PT. 2
CORN ON THE SIDE
WEINER GAME


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Friend: Do you lift bro?

Lift: *Level 3*

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks. 

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the bloody difference?' 

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''


The ne


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A fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant.

It's lying on the ground in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.


He removes it and the elephant happily trots away.
20 years later the man in standing in London watching a circus procession pass by.


When along comes an elephant, as it gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk and


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant.

It's lying on the ground in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it and the elephant happily trots away.
20 years later the man in standing in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When along comes an elephant, as it gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk and lift him into the air and smash


read more
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A man was naked on a beach

He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat”

He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself”

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A guy was naked on the beach

He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat”

He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself”

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The doctor said I shouldn't lift anything heavy, and doctors know best.

Still, sitting down to pee is inconvenient.

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Spoilers Captain America could always

Lift mjolnir, he just didn’t want to steal Thor’s thunder.

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I went to my doctor over the weekend due to some back pains. He recommended that I dont lift anything more than 40 lbs.

How am I supposed to piss?!?!

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Today I learned that my dog I had for the last five years is actually a female

I figured something wasn't quite right when I never saw him lift his leg to take a piss. I always thought the dog had hip problems.

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Whats the difference between a Kangaroo amp Kangaroot

Ones an Australian Animal, and the other is a Geordie Stuck in a lift

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My favorite pickup line is...

Lift.

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What do you call Liam Neeson, Ben Kingsley, and Ralph Fiennes in an elevator?

Schindler’s lift.

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Smiles and tight underwear are very alike.

Both lift your cheeks.

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Why did Kermit The Frog lift off a manhole cover and dive in?

He was kermitting sewercide.

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