Lifeguard

Jokes

A lifeguard is making his rounds on the beach when he hears a woman crying

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I used to work as a lifeguard

Until some blue kid got me fired.

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Why was god fired as a lifeguard

He only saves good people

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What did the lifeguard say to the avocado ?

No running. Guac please !

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What do you call a lifeguard without a breath?

Dead

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Overheard at the Community Swimming Pool

Lifeguard: Kowalski, you are officially banned from the pool.

Kowalski: Why is that?

Lifeguard: Because you pee in the pool.

Kowalski: But I'm not the only one.

Lifeguard: You are the only one who does it from the jumping board.

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Too a piss at the pool today, lifeguard must have noticed.

He blew his whistle so fucking loud I almost fell in

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Went swimming today at the public pool, decided to pee in the deep end

Lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loudly it startled me and I almost fell in

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I went swimming at the public pool today, took a pee in teh deep end

Lifeguard caught me and blew his whistle so loud it startled me and I almost fell in.

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I was peeing in the pool and the lifeguard blew his whistle.

Scared me so bad I almost fell in.

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I went swimming today...

took a pee in the deep end. Lifeguard noticed. Blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

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I went swimming today and took a leak in the deep end of the pool.

The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle at me so loud I almost fell in.

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I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end

The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in

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A lifeguard once yelled at me for peeing in a public pool.

He startled me so badly I nearly fell in.

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A lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool.

He startled me so badly I nearly fell in.

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I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

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Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy?

He was too far out man

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A lifeguard asks a mother to scold her son for urinating in the public pool.

“It’s perfectly natural,” the mother says, “for young children to urinate in the pool. Plenty of children at this pool do it. I don’t see why my son doing it is such a big deal.”

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The lifeguard pulls down his sunglasses and replies, “Well, all the other kids aren’t doing it off the diving board.”


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The lifeguard and the drowning man

The lifeguard was doing his routine checks throughout a beach that prevented people from swimming in the evening, when suddenly, he sees a man attempting to swim in the water.

"Hey!" The lifeguard thunders, "Stop swimming and come to shore now!"

"I'm not swimming!" The man gasps, "I'm drowning!"

The lifeguard


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Kids are like sponges.

- Sir, you are the worst lifeguard I’ve ever met.

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A child is drowning in a pool.

The lifeguard gets up and says,

"April fools, I am not a lifeguard."

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Jacob was at his neighbourhood community swimming pool.

Lifeguard: Jacob! Stop Peeing in the pool!

Jacob: But everyone does it!?

Lifeguard: Yes, but not when on the DIVING BOARD.

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I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today...

The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.

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You are the reason the gene pool has a lifeguard

If sombody is being annoying say this

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I was taking a dip in the local pool, and the lifeguard said "Hey! What have you got"?

"Hummus".

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Why didnt the lifeguard save the drowning hippy?

Because he was to far out man

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A man is trying to pickup a woman at the beach.

And he’s not having too much luck. He sees that the lifeguard is very successful with charming the ladies, so he goes up to the lifeguard and asks, “what’s your secret?”

The lifeguard takes pity on him, so he tells him, “look, don’t tell anyone, but I take a potato and place it into my swimsuit to make myself seem more impressive. Do you understand


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A man is trying to pick up women at the beach...

And he’s not having too much luck. He sees that the lifeguard is very successful with charming the ladies, so he goes up to the lifeguard and asks, “what’s your secret?”

The lifeguard takes pity on him, so he tells him, “look, don’t tell anyone, but I take a potato and place it into my swimsuit to make myself seem more impressive. Do you understand


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The woman with no arms and no legs.

There are two lifeguards in a tower and whilst looking out across the beach, they notice a woman with no arms and no legs, crying hysterically! The first life guard approaches the woman, and says..

"What's up, Miss?".

The woman replies..

"I've never been hugged before".

Feeling sorry for the woman, the lifeguard reac


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Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out man.

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A guy is at the beach walking down and is trying to pick up girls but isnt having any luck.

So he asks the lifeguard for advice. Lifeguard says “go to the swim shop and buy a speedo 2 sizes too small, then go to the store and buy a potato and put it in there, works every time” so the guy does so and starts strutting his stuff down the beach and he is getting looks from EVERYONE, but they’re disgusted any time he approaches. He goes back to the lifeguard and says “


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What did the hippie lifeguard say to the drowning man?

Youre too far out maaaannn...

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What do a lifeguard and a sub moderator have in common?

Most of them are 16 and mad with power.

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What did the hippie say to the lifeguard?

That’s too far out man.

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Why didnt the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was WAY far out there man...

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What did the lifeguard say to the hippy?

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Why didn't the Lifeguard save the Hippy?

The Hippy fucked his wife.

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A lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in a swimming pool...

He yelled so hard I nearly fell in.

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Why didnt the lifeguard rescue the drowning hippies?

They were too far out, man

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Yo mama so fat...

her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard!

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Today I saw someone waving but I wasnt sure whether they were waving at me or someone behind me.

I got fired from my job as a lifeguard.

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Some lifeguard kicked me out of the pool for peeing in it. I told him everyone does it.

He told me not off the diving board

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Paddy Irishman hits Bondi Beach

Where he spends the day sunbathing his pale little body and paddling in the surf. The beach is full of babes but paddy gets little attention.
He notices the burly tanned lifeguard is surrounded by bikini clad beauties so at the end of the day paddy goes up to the lifeguard and asks him the secret to attracting all these girls. "Well paddy my secret is to shove a potato down my trunks..i


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I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

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Why didnt the lifeguard save the hippie?

Cause he was too far out, man

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I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but I think the lifeguard saw me.

He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

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Why did the lifeguard kick the elephants out of the pool?

They kept dropping their trunks.

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The Ool

Lifeguard: welcome to the Ool.

Kid: why’s it called the “Ool?”

Lifeguard: because there is no P in the pool.

(Sorry if this is unoriginal, my friend told this to me)

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How come the lifeguard didnt save the hippie?

Because he was too far out, man.

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Why didnt the lifeguard save the hippie?

Because he was too far out man

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