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Jokes

Why did the chief of police learn to cook?

He lost his "I"

And couldn't rely on dispatch

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Best way to learn about your problems is

Identify 1 mistake in your wife and ask her to correct it.
In response she will help you identify ALL of your problems, your parents problems, all of your relatives and your friends problems.

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Why do chemistry students learn about ammonia first?

It's pretty basic stuff

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What do you need to learn piano?

You need skill, practice, and a piano

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Knock, Knock!

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
General Lee
General Lee, who?
Generally, I don't tell jokes but..


"You look beautiful today!" a politician on the campaign tells a woman.
"Thanks, but unfortunately I can't say the same for you," the woman replies.
"Sure you could," the politician says. "You just hav


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What do mourners and memers have in common?

We both need to adjust and learn to accept loss.

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Racists: "Wow, I thought you Asians dont speak English at all! Did you learn it in school?"

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How much did you learn in school today?

Not enough, they want me to go back tomorrow.

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My auto mechanic teacher told the class A mistake is only something you do twice. But if you learn from that mess up its an experience.This means I was an experience and my brother was a mistake.

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Brief history.

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Vitamins for kids

Doctor, can you please prescribe some vitamins for my kids?

A, B or C?

It doesn't matter. They didn't learn to read yet.

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I'm not proud of this.

I want to learn to cook but who's got Thyme?

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I say this next election we learn from our mistakes in the past and try to move forward to a brighter tomorrow. This election vote...

Hindsight 2020

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Beautiful lady

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So theres a farm.

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Why can't the Cantonese chef get an apprentice?

Nobody wants to learn the Wong way

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How does a computer learn things?

Bit by bit

(Apologies for dad-ness and possible repost)

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Where did the hippopotamus go to learn?

The Hippo Campus.

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A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson


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I've spent so much time using an audio program to learn a language on my way to work...

That now I can only drive my car in Spanish.

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Where do people learn to play with Legos?

At the School of Hard Blocks!

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People learn to play with legos at the school of hard blocks.

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I'll never forget what you did for me.

I couldn't begin to count how many times you've probably saved my life and kept me safe, through you I've bumped into new and old friends, met the love of life and learn to put on foot infront of another, thank you.

Shoutout to sidewalks for keeping me off the street.

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How do judges learn who's guilty and who's not?

By trial and error.

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I was shocked to learn that Isis coming to the community

It turned out to be just Ice

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If people go to Art School to learn how to express themselves, where do doggies go?

Arf School!

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My girlfriend always gets angry...

A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for some whiskey. He drinks it in one gulp, then asks for some more. The bartender pours him another shot, but again, the man drinks it in one gulp. This goes on for 6 more times, and the Bartender finally stops to ask the man what's wrong.

Man: 'My girlfriend always gets angry when I say shit or cunt."

Bartend


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Theres a new help group for those who suffer from Chrons disease or IBS who want to learn to knit or crochet

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What do you call friends who learn mathematics together?

Algebros....

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Southern Belle in Paris

A southern girl returned home after a summer with her grandparents in Ohio. Her friends asked her what she learned on her trip. "Well, they have these men up there who like other men." "Ooh. What are they called?" "They call them gay." "What else did you learn?" "Well, they have these women who like other women." "Ooh. What are they calle


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Gravity

Sir Isaac Newton: Why do things fall?

Me, a fellow Batman enthusiast: So they can learn to pick themselves back up.

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I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

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Thank you to everyone who stuck by me while I tried to learn the meaning of "many"

It means "a lot"

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Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Humpty Dumpty should learn to be a little humble

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Say "thank you" instead of "thanks"

"I'll let you decide" instead of "whatever"
"I'll try to learn" instead of "I won't"
"Do you understand what I mean" instead of "you know?"
"I'll put in my best effort" instead of "I try"
These kind of communication methods will let people respect you more and feel your warmt


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Its pretty sad that my kids wont learn about classical music the way that I did.

From a cross-dressing rabbit.

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My first time doing stand up...

My girlfriends nephew was 12 at the time and wanted to be a comedian, so I asked him for advice before my first stand up. He said:

“Sure! Here’s a joke for you... last summer I went to dynamite camp...”

- Oh cool!

“... yeah, I had a blast!!”

- awesome! Did you learn any jokes?

“😓 you gonna bomb&


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People always tell me to learn from mistakes...

Why would I ever want to listen to my children?

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The biggest problem with being Canadian is learning english.

You have to learn it twice over, once for everybody else and once for our neighbors, and are left with a third version that's somewhere inbetween.

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I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

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Why do we learn how to make bread in school?

It’s not like we knead it!

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Let's learn Spanglish! Today's word is elbow...

It's what you use to shoot los arrows!

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Donald Trump recently met with Kim Jong-un

"It was very informative. I didn't understand everything this fat and delusive statesman was babbling about but I think I could learn a lot from his cruel camps", Kim Jong-un was quoted.

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Where does one learn to make ice cream?

Sundae school!

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Liam Gallagher, lead singer of Oasis, decides to learn the politics of his home country. So he goes up to Noel and asks-

"What's a Tory, (Morning Glory), weeeelllll??"

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I was blind, so my friend suggested me to learn programming.

Now I csharp.

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So I attended a salsa class today

The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips

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If Muslims say that we should learn from Muhammad then Christians can also say that we should learn from Hitler.

Hitler kills the enemies, and Muhammad kills the innocent.

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I love learning Quantum Computing!

Because half the time there is nothing to learn..

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Why did the recessive gene decide to enter genetic therapy?

It wanted to learn how to express itself.

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