Judas

Jokes

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and Judas Priest?

One of them has a Grammy...

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Judas: Still on for Friday?

"Jesus: Friday?"

"Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper."

"Jesus: The what?"

"Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas."

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Judas was a great citizen

If it wasn't for him

The poor wouldn't have a 30 silver coin cemetery

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Legally speaking Judas did nothing wrong.

Stealing people's taxes isn't an enforced crime.

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Judas was on top of a mountain laughing at 3 apostles for bringing big stones while he brought a small one

Upon reaching the mountain
Jesus said "This will be bread" so Judas got a small piece of bread.

The next day, Judas brought a big stone while the apostles brought small ones and Jesus said "Throw the stones and its distance traveled will determine how long your life is" . Judas threw the stone, hit his foot and died.

On the 3rd day, Judas brough


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So I pirated a Judas Priest song.

It was Breaking the Law.

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One day, God wanted to see what is attracting humans to drugs. So he sent the saints down to Earth to bring him some.

The first to come back was St. Peter. God asked him:

- What do you have?

St. Peter said:

- Marijuana.

And God let him in. Then came St. Francis and God asked him:

- What do you have?

St. Francis said:

- LSD.

And God let him in. Soon, more and more saints were coming, bringing more and more drugs


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Why is Judas afraid of coming second in the Olympics?

The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.

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With a short beard you look like either one thing.

Jesus or Judas.

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Jesus takes a look at the drinks list for the apostles night out. Okay 5 beers and 7 glasses of wine, well I could... thinks Jesus out loud. Judas, seeing the thoughtful look on Jesus face replies...



“Hold on, before you start your shit Jesus, you can put a tenner in the kitty like everyone else.”

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Which of the disciples were well-endowed?

Judas - He was hung.

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Jesus was first betrayed by Judas then he was crucified...

I guess jew could say he was double crossed...

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Jesus meets Judas after the Resurrection: A Bible Story

After returning from the dead following his betrayal and crucifixion the first thing Jesus did was seek out Judas. Upon finding the distraught Judas contemplating how he'd use the fifty pieces of silver he received for his treachery Jesus said,

"Look man no hard feelings I know this disciple gig hasn't been paying well. But doing me dirty for fifty coins? Did you even t


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Have you heard my vegan Judas Priest tribute band?

'Hell Bent For Pleather'

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Have you heard my vegan Judas Pries tribute band?

Hell Bent For Pleather

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If there really was a 'White Jesus' then maybe Judas wasn't such a bad guy.

If there really was a 'White Jesus' then maybe Judas wasn't such a bad guy.
Pharisees: If you will show us which one is Jesus of Nazareth, we'll give you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Seriously? You can't figure this out for yourself? There is one light-skinned fella with a halo of golden light around his head, but you need to outsource this identification proc


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Jesus is hanging on the cross...

He sees Judas in the crowd and calls for him. Judas hears and walks toward Jesus. The guards tell Judas he cannot pass, so he walks back into the crowd. Moments later Jesus calls for him again, so Judas tries to push his way through the guards. They beat him and push him back into the crowd. Moments later, Jesus calls for Judas once again! Judas thinks to himself, "I betrayed Jesus already, I


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The joke that 100 is sending me to hell

Jesus: Hey moses, how's the 10 commandments going

Moses: Well nothing's really set in stone yet, but --

Jesus: Moses, it *literally* is --

Moses: Oh FUCK OFF Jesus. "*Oh look I can walk on water*". Judas showed me a painting of you. Wanna know what I said back.

Jesus: No.

Moses: "*Nailed It*."


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What does Judas eat when he goes hiking?

Betrayal Mix.

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Jesus was preparing the Last Supper

while Judas goes to visit him in the kitchen.As he watches Jesus preparing the meal,he says "Don't you think you 've put too much garlic in the meal,Jesus?". "And why the fuck do you care? Are you planning on kissing me?"

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Jesus is preparing for the Last Supper...

Jesus: Judas, I need you to go to each and every one of my disciples and tell them to meet me here for supper. Also, stop by the market and get some fish, vegetables, and a dessert. When you've come back and are done cooking, set up the table and our best plates.

Later that evening, while everyone is enjoying their food, Jesus begains in a somber tone, "One of you will betr


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The apostles are at the last supper...

Jesus is eating like a slob and spilling wine everywhere and Judas says to him "Were you born in a barn?"

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Judas: Jesus, are you going to the last supper?

[deleted]

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I'm painting a still life version of The Last Supper with all the apostles as vegetables

Judas is carrot.

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A priest was assigned to a new church

He was really stressed out during his first mass; he could barely speak to the people. Before his second mass, he visited his superior and asked him how to suppress his nervousness. His superior told him to add some vodka into his water and after a few sips, he'd immediatly feel more relaxed.

Next Sunday, the priest decides to heed his suprior's advice. And indeed, after dri


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Jesus and drugs

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" &


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What kind of music did Jesus hate?

Anything by Judas Priest and Nine Inch Nails.

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Heaven meeting year 2015

Every year in heaven jesus and the apostles gather up for a meeting to discuss about earth's problems.
The theme of the year is.. Drugs, they discuss about it for a while with no succes
and then it comes clear: they don't know the subject enought to fix it...

So Jesus tell his apostle to go back to earth, find all the drugs they can and bring back to him.
T


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Jesus called a meeting of the disciples in Heaven...

...When they all arrive he mentions that there is a massive drug problem on Earth and they need to find a way to rid the world of it. He suggests that they all go down to Earth, all over, and bring back samples of different drugs so they can examine them and figure out the best way to rid the world of the evils of their usage. They agree and off they go. Later that day there is a knock on the J


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24 things I trust more than the POTUS

• Mexican tap water

• A wolverine with a ‘pet me’ sign

• A mixed drink made by Bill Cosby

• A straight edge shave from Jodi Arias

• An elevator ride with Ray Rice

• A night out with Aaron Hernandez

• Brian Williams memory

• Pete Carroll coaching decisions<


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Gospel of Andrew: Jesus Chooses the 12 Disciples

Jesus summoned His twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness.
Now the names of the twelve apostles are these: The first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; and James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; Philip and Bartholomew; Matthew the tax collector; James the son of


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So I saw The Passion of the Christ the other day...

The actor who played Jesus really nailed his performance.

It was some bloody good acting.

Those people really learned not to cross Jesus.

But they kind of just left Judas hanging there...

---------
*Bonus Joke*

What were God's last words to Judas?

Hang in there

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Judas: Still on for friday?

"Jesus: friday?"

"Judas: Yeah, the Last Supper."

"Jesus: The what?"

"Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas."

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CHRISTIAN DRUGS

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It


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CHRISTIAN DRUGS


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Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "


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Gospel of Andrew: Jesus Appoints the 12 Disciples

Jesus summoned His twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every kind of disease and every kind of sickness.
Now the names of the twelve apostles are these: The first, Simon, who is called Peter, and Andrew his brother; and James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother; Philip and Bartholomew; Thomas and Matthew the tax collector; James


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Jesus at the last supper

Jesus sits at the Last Supper, beginning to serve his guests.

First, he hands a basket of bread to go around, "These represent my body, and the pain I shall endure for my people."

Next, he begins pouring everyone wine, "This represents my blood, and how I am part of everyone."

He goes to open a jar of mayonnaise, Judas quickly takes it a


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Christian Drugs.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" &


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Jesus decides to give the apostles a bunch of gifts...

Jesus: Each one of you grab a piece of rock.

*everyone each grabbed the biggest rock they can find and rolled it back to Jesus, except for Judas who was so lazy that he just picked up a pebble.

Jesus: I shall now turn those into gold for you to keep. Now go get another piece of rock.

*this time the apostles were tired of hauling their first rock so each gr


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Jesus gathered his followers for a journey to the top of a nearby mountain.

At the base he told them to grab a rock each. They didn’t questioned him as they knew there was a deeper meaning to his request. Everyone grabbed the heaviest rock they could find. Only Judas took a small stone which he put in his pocket.

When they arrived at the top Jesus told them to sit beside him and asked:

\- Is anyone hungry?

\- Yes, we are. - his


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A man is looking for inspiration,...

...and decides to open up his Bible to a random passage. He found the passage in which Judas hung himself. "Well, that's no good," the man said to himself, "I'll try again." He then turned to a passage that read, "Go and do likewise."

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Jesus sits down one day and considers the high rate of drug abuse that will follow long after his time on earth.

He thinks it is a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sends his apostles out to see what drugs they can find.

A couple of days later Jesus hears a knock at the door. “Who is it?”. “Paul.”Jesus opens the door. “What did you bring, Paul?”. “Hashish from Morocco.”

A few minutes later


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Jesus and Drugs

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It


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I like to yard work listening to Judas Priest...

......singing at the top of my lungs: RAKING THE LAWN RAKING THE LAWN!

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What did Judas say after capturing Jesus?

What did Judas say after capturing Jesus?

Nailed it.

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Judas: "Come on, Jesus! We're gonna be late for the Last Supper!"

Jesus: "The what?"

Judas: "Uhhh... The Supper! I meant, The Supper!"

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His disciples had persuaded Jesus to have another, bigger Loaves and Fishes gathering at the Sea of Galilee.

Jesus agreed, and suggested planning an event for 25,000 in attendance, rather than the 5,000 who had appeared at the first gathering.

Everyone pitched in, and the project was underway.

Nine of the disciples were chosen as the "roadie" crew, and were sent on ahead to the site. Their tasks were to set up the stage, procure the theater-type seating, and design a


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What did Jesus day when Judas went to hell?

Don't cross me again

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Is it me Jesus?

Jesus and his disciples are sitting down together for the last supper. After a good amount of wine and food, Jesus stands up to address his friends.

"This has been excellent, but I have come to know that one of you will betray me." Jesus says.

There was an awkward silence that was broken by John, "Is it me, Jesus?" John asks.

Jesus look


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