Johnny

Jokes

Little Johnny hears some new words at school...

So he goes home and goes up to his mother:
"Mum, what's a pussy and what's a bitch?"

His mother, mortified, grabs a magazine, opens to a dog and says "A female dog is a bitch" she flicks a page and shows a cat and says "A cat is also called a pussy"

Not satisfied with the answer he goes to his dad
"Dad, what's


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Famous quotes...

One Friday morning, a teacher telss her students, "I'm gonna give you a famous quote, and whoever can tell me who is famous for the quote can take the rest of the day off...first quote: 'If I want to be the father of my country, I cannot tell a lie...I chopped down the cherry tree'."

Little Suzie raises her hand and says, "That was George Washington!"


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NSFW (Long) Little Johnny Goes to the Bordello

Little Johnny went to the local bordello with his entire savings.

Johnny: Madam I would like to have the most disease infested woman you got here.
Madam: why son, with that amount of money, you can have any girl here.
Johnny: Madam, I still want the most disease infested woman you got.
Madam: Okay kid, but I warned you.

Johnny went down the hall and retu


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I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said 1 dollar for dirty joke.

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Little Johnny walked into a Bar

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Johnny was a bitter man

"Look at all those trees" he said as he pointed towards a forest. "I planted all of those. Do they call me Johnny Tree-planter for that reason? No they don't"

Johnny turned around and pointed at a row of houses. "Look at all those houses." He said. "I built those. All of them. Do they call me Johnny House-builder for that reason? No they don


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Johnny was playing with his train set while mother was in the kitchen doing dishes...

Chigga chigga chigga chigga hoot hoot. "The train has reached the station, all you mother fuckers getting on, get on and all you bastards getting off, get off.

Johnnys mom rushes out and yells at Johnny for his bad language and gives him a 5 min timeout.

6 minutes later she hears

Chigga chigga chigga chigga hoot hoot. "The train has reached the


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Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs...

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Rekt Em

Little Johnny goes back to school on Monday and the teacher asks the kids if there was anything exciting that happened to them over the weekend.

Little Johnny is waving his hand like crazy, well the teacher knows how little Johnny is so she doesn't want to call on him.

Finally, she gives in and calls on Johnny, "All right Johnny, what did you do this weekend


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What does that mean?

Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and hears the word SH*T! Johnny askes "What does that mean?" his mother says " Oh that means putting on makeup"

Little Johnny walkes into his two brothers room, they were fighting and calling each other dicks and pussys Johnny askes "what does that mean" and they said "it means hats and coats"
<


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Who's Your Partner?

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on. "Playing cards," she replies. "Who's your partner?" asked little johnny. "Your father!"

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise comi


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Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

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Teacher excuse me can I use the bathroom

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Little Johnny Joke

Boy: *Laughs during class*
Teacher: What are you laughing at?
Boy: I just saw a strip of your bra!
Teacher: Get out of my class! You're suspended for a week.
*Another boy laughs*

Teacher: And why are *you* laughing??
2nd Boy: I just saw both strips of your bra!
Teacher: Get out! You're suspended for a month.
*Teacher b


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Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question.

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
<


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The baby without ears.

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Johnny was driving along the highway.

Johnny was driving along the highway. Midway through his journey, nature called out to him. Cursing his fate, he looked around for a place to relieve himself. Just then, he spotted a small road side motel. He quickly entered to finish his business. To Johnny's dismay, all the the restrooms in the establishment were occupied. Unable to hold on, he climbed a flight of stairs to search of a rest


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Who is the most depressed person in the world?

Johnny Deppressed

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You ever hear the one about little Johnny tearin it up?

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Little Johnny

A teacher drew a deer on the board and asked the children to name it.

One child raised his hand and said it's a horse. Another one said its a rat.

So the teacher decided to give them a clue: "It's what your mom sometimes calls your dad."

"I've got it." said little Johnny, "It's a horny bastard!"


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Little Johnny walk into a coffee shop

And asks the attractive young server for a coffee. When she brings it out he looks at her, points to the coffee and says, "Maam, please p-i-s-s", spelling out the last word.

Offended at this, the server asks him to leave. While walking out he turns around and says "Bye c-u-n-t", again spelling out the last word.

The server now extremely angry takes him


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The baby with no ears.

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Little Johnny

One day a teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that every Friday she will ask a question to the class and whoever answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks: "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher


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What did Johnny Depp shout when he chopped down the expressionist tree?

TIMMMM--BERRRRRR--TON !

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Little Johnny and the three kings

Little Johnny was sitting in class when the teacher asked him, "Can you tell me the name of three kings who have brought happiness and joy to people's lives?"

To which little Johnny replied, "Smo-king, Drin-king, and Fuc-king!"

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Little Johnny Asks His Mum About Magic.

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Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom.

His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?"

His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"


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Mythical creatures.

A 2nd grade teacher is telling her class about mythical creatures. She tells them she's she's going to give them clues &amp; wants them to identify what mythical creatures she's talking about.

She starts off by telling them that this mythical creature is rarely seen because it only goes outside at all, and especially stays inside during the day because it's dan


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Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell


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Little Johnny is sitting in class not paying attention as usual when the teacher calls on him

“Ok Johnny, if there are five birds sitting on the fence and the farmer shoots three how many are left?”

Johnny thinks about it and says “There will be zero left, because the gunshot would have scared them all away!”

“No Johnny there will be two left, but I like the way you think.”

Johnny, a little annoyed responds, “


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Little Johnny and the egg

Little Johnny walked into his classroom with a fried egg on his head.


The teacher asked, "Why do you have a fried egg on your head?"


Little Johnny responded, "Because a hard boiled egg

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A sticky encounter

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: "Can I see your dad?" Johnny: "No, he's in the shower." Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?" Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too." Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?" Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave hi


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Gotta love old school Little Johnny

Little Johnny: uncle Kev, can you tell me the difference between POTENTIALLY and REALISTICALLY??

Uncle Kevin: Thought for a second, alright, go ask your auntie mavis if she would have sex with the mailman for a million bucks...

So he does and she says she would...

Then Uncle Kevin told him to go ask his cousin the same thing...

Of course she


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Guess what Johnny English found when he collected a pod in the snow...

Moist Bean!

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Death of a friend

Hey, you guys going to the funeral on Saturday?
Oh no who died? No one died but Johnny is getting married though

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Johnny was daydreaming in class when the teacher called on him

“Johnny, if there are five birds on a wire and one gets shot how many are left?”

After thinking for a brief second Johnny responds “zero”

The teacher looks at him inquisitively and states. “Johnny, five minus one is four”

To which Johnny replies “yes but if you shoot one bird the other four would fly off so none woul


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I was mugged by a thief last night. Pointing a knife at me he asked: "Your money or your life!"

I told him i am a married engineer. I have no money and no life. He hugged me like Johnny Depp in the finding neverland movie and we cried together.

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Why is the priest glad Little Johnny has such short legs?

Because he always ends up asking to have his stool pushed in.

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Teacher asks the class, can anyone tell me me where Africa is? Little Johnny straight up wit his hand, Teacher, where is it then Johnny? He replied I don't know exactly but I know it cant be far.

All the black kids go home for lunch.

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Little Johnny

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael


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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'."

Sally raised h


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Teacher asked little Johnny to use Urinate in a sentence

Little johnny says, "you're and eight, but with bigger tits you'd be a ten!"

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Johnny Depp was talking to a friend one day. He explained he was experiencing some minor hearing loss but didnt want people to know about it. But since yesterday the tabloids began reporting his secret issue, much to his distaste. His friend asked how the secret couldve possibly gotten out.

Johnny Depp replied: “Rumor has it, Amber Heard.”

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Little Johnny learns three new words (old Dutch joke)

Little Johnny's mother asks him if he's learned any new words at school today. "Well, I heard some of the older kids use three new words" Johnny says "'whore', 'fuck' and 'condom'! What do they mean?"

His mother is shocked. Little Johnny is way too young to know the meaning of these words, so instead she tells him: "they


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Timmy and Johnny, ages 5 and 3, wake up one morning.

Timmy turns to Johnny and says "You know what Johnny, I think we're old enough to start swearing, lets try it out today".

&amp;#x200B;

They go downstairs and their mother says "It's time for breakfast, what would you like Timmy?". Timmy thinks about it for a second and says "Shit, I guess I'll have some cheerios". His mom


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Cake

Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.

So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his br


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Teacher: Who do you think invented dancing, children?


Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”

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Little Johnny learns a lesson about karma...

Little Johnny finds out the neighbors dog had puppies so he goes over to play with them. Being a little boy he starts getting too rough.

The neighbor says, "be nice Johnny or karma will get you."

Johnny plays nice for a bit but starts getting rough again.

The neighbor says, "be nice Johnny or karma will get you."

Johnny again


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A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention,

so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream p


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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground....

....Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."


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