John

Jokes

What do you call a snowman playing piano next to the fire

Melting John

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A redheaded man named Joel spiked up his hair in the shape of a cylinder (somehow). He put a sticker on it that said "fanta".

This man happened to have an identical twin brother name John. John had a normal looking hairstyle. A woman walked up to John. "Are you Joel? " she asked him. "No, I'm John." The woman sighed. She had been friends with the twins for a few months, but still couldn't tell them apart. "Can you tell me what's the difference between you two? What do you have tha


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John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north



After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbo


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There once was a man whos lucky number was 5.

John was born on the 5th of May in 1955, at precisely 5:55 am, when his parents were both 55 years old. His lived on the fifth floor of an apartment, 5 hours away from his school.

As he grew up, the number five cropped up in his life in weird and wonderful ways. He was five minutes late to everything. He received 55% in every test he ever did. His genitalia was five inches long, and s


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A jokestory about the Berlin Airlift

So last year when I was taking AP US History we got to talking about the Cold War and the Berlin Airlift, which, if you didn't know, was when American/Allied forces dropped supplies into and evacuated East Berlin, which was under Soviet control.

Now, it's worth noting that my teacher encouraged students to make puns off of the content, and actually had competitions between


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And Jesus said unto them, "Come forth and you shall receive everlasting life."

We all know how John came fith and won a toaster, but Joseph didn't even come and he got a baby!

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John's face was burned in an accident

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned. The doctors couldn't reconstruct his face with John's own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed John's face.

After the surgery, he looked better than ever! His entire family wa


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Heath ledgers joker: Do you want to see a magic trick?

John Wick: I know that one

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Cashier at the coffee shop asked for my name.

I said My Name Is John.


She said Is That John With An "H"?


I said No That's John With A "J".

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And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a frying pan.

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Elton John is an incredible piano player

But I heard he really sucks on the organ.

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A Train hits a bus full of Catholic altar boys...

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

Pope John Paul II asks the first boy, "Stephen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" He nods and solemnly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Pope John Paul II says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.&q


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In Market

John reading the air freshener label in the supermarket hit the poop out of habit

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Why did John enter his work meeting with a pan, chicken and a bag of vegetables?

He thought it was casual fry day.

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Sarah wanted to buy some trousers for her husband, William, for his birthday.

So she went into the clothes shop and saw some jeans. They were, oddly enough, made of leather.

She thought they looked very nice, and so bought them to give to her husband.

William thought they looked brilliant, thanked her, and put them on. However, he said that they caused him to itch terribly. So he took them off, and his legs had turned green.

He went in


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OC PSA: Referees are going to miss calls. Refs missing critical calls, such as in the NFC Championship, can be infuriatingRemember, referees are human. They will miss calls. Often, its not their fault, so before getting mad about a referees missedshitty calls, PLEASE calmly ask yourself...

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There was a man called John and when he was young he loved tractors. He had posters of tractors on his wall, lots of toy tractors and even named his dog Tractor.

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There was a man called John and when he was you get he loved tractors. He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors and he even named his dog Tractor.

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Tim and John are hanging out in Tim's room

Tim tells John to look at him quickly. When he does, Tim has his pants down and farts right in his face.

John says confused "Why'd you fart in my face for?"

"I didn't fart in your face, my ass sneeze in your face just happened to be there," Tim says laughing.


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The Proctologist

John was a proctologist (butthole doctor for those who don't know). Over several years, he had become known as one of the top proctologists in America. Unfortunately, he was bored of it. Dealing with assholes all day can really take a toll on you.

John decided to make a change. He enrolled in UTI, a mechanic school. He excelled in his classes. On exam day, each student had t


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Before his death, JFK was just known as John Kennedy.

The F was added after to pay respects

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John comes home and tells Mary he will perform oral sex on her

Mary really excited goes into bed. John gives her oral sex and after they noticed that John had a pubic hair stuck in his teeth. They struggle to get it out but they do not manage to do it. Then John says:

J: Mary I will go to the dentist to help me.

M: If you think this is the best idea then go.

The dentist manages to pull the hair out and ask John:
<


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And the Lord said unto John, Come forth and you will receive eternal life

But John cane fifth, and won a toaster

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John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your country can do for you...

...cause you won't like the answer!"

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They just had to leak the name of the fourth and final movie of the John Wick franchise on a Saturday morning.

Wick End.

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John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry." John said. "We


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A man comes into a hotelbar....

...and says:
"Oh god, i am so horny. Are there any hookers here?"
"No" answers the host, "there is only John. And it costs 80 bucks"
"80$? And there is only John? Well, i am so horny, I don't mind giving John 80$ for it"
"No, sir. 40$ will go to the mayor. It is his town and he doesn't like that stuff"


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What did the john say ...

What did the john say to the pimp with the not so hot prostitutes?

A penny for your thots.

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I changed the name of my john to "Jim..."

So when I tell people I got up early and went to the...goddammit, nevermind.

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So I heard John Hickenlooper dropped out of the presidential race...

His supporter must be very upset to see him go.

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John is in the 10th year of a life sentence, where he gets a new cellmate Jim.

In the middle of the night John wakes up Jim and tells him that he's going to break out of prison soon but he needs his help.

Jim gladly agrees and asks for John to explain his plan.

John:"Tou see, for my first five prison years I trained my digestive system so it breaks down anything I ingest into it's original components.
For these last five prison


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John was a very fat guy who was sick of being ridiculed all the time.

So he decided to do something to reduce his weight. Next morning he found an advertisement in the newspaper claiming to help him lose weight quickly. Intrigued, he called them and asked for the plans available.
The operator told him that there are three plans
"10 pounds in a week"
"20 pounds in a week"
"50 pounds in a week".

E


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God said to John: "Come forth and gain eternal life"

But John came fifth and won a toaster

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John Cena has made many appearances on make-a-wish foundation.

He's probably only second to leukaemia.

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Elton John hates ordering Chinese food.

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And the Lord said unto John, come forth and you shall receive eternal life.

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

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A man committed a horrible crime

He was arrested and sent to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist sent him to the torturer, a hydraulic press maniac Mister D. Who then proceeded to place the criminals head between the hydraulic press and the bottom plate.

John the psychiatrist was in the room watching it all, and as Mister D activated the hydraulic press, John asked the criminal man "You murderer, what&


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John started dating a girl who was notorious for sleeping around and keeping count of the men she'd slept with.

One day, John asked his best friend Mike for advice.

"Hey buddy, I know you've all warned me about her and you don't approve, but I really want to buy her a special gift. Do you have any ideas?" asked John.

Mike shrugged. "It's the thot that counts."

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And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".

John came fifth and won a toaster.

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I really hate my new John Denver Sat Nav.

While it may well take me home, it's always down some country roads.

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And the Lord said to John "Come forth and you'll receive eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a new toaster.

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John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.

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What does John F. Kennedy and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?

We will never know.

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What does John F. Kennedy and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?

We will never know.

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God said to John: come forth and gain eternal life

John came fifth and won a toaster

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A guy walks into a bar....

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Why was the band called the beatles?

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A wealthy old man named John just got married to a young pretty girl.

At the wedding reception his other old friends were raving at how beautiful his new bride was.

One of his friends asked, "John, you're 78 years old. How did you manage to get such a young beautiful woman to marry you being as old as you are?"

John said, "It's simple, I lied about my age."

His friend smirked and said, "Oh Jo


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God said to John, come forth and recieve eternal life,

But he came fifth and won a toaster.

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What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

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