A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to Heaven. Upon meeting God, the survivor tells God his best Holocaust joke. After a beat, God looks puzzled and says, "I dont get it."
The survivor shakes his head and sighs. "Well, I guess you had to be there..."
Credit: Ricky Gervais as told to Jerry Seinfeld
Dad: when you want to reach me at work, dial my number and 5555 when they ask for an extension. Son: what's extension?
Dad: it's that thing between mommy and Uncle Jerry.
An airplane crashes on an uncharted island.
What do you call it when a guy named Jerry sleeps with three senior citizens in a nursing home in one night?
A Jerry Hat Trick
Would the flavor be caramel cannibal?
What did Hannibal Lecter's favorite frozen snack?
Ben & Jerry.
A farmer named Carl finds a baby giraffe
A farmer named Carl was driving down the road when he saw a box on the side of the road. Carl pulled over and was shocked to see that inside the box there was a baby giraffe. Carl leaned down and said “holy crap, how did you get here little buddy?”. To his astonishment, the giraffe looked up and said “howdy! my name is Jerry, I’m not sure how I got here”. Carl agreed
Jerry was the unluckiest person in the whole world. His wife of 30 years divorced him, his children died young, and his boss fired him after 2 decades of employment. He once heard that people can do certain acts that will bring good fortune, specific to each Star sign. So he traveled to a psychic reader in hopes to find out how to bring good luck into his sad, pathetic life.
Jerry Seinfeld's tombstone should read ...
"What's the deal with death?"
What do you call 90 year old named Jeremy that's scored 3 goals?
A gay couple traveling on a plane
A gay couple (Jerry and Tom) is traveling on a plane.
"What if we had sex?" asks Jerry.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jerry stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a napkin, please?&
NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!!
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had c
Why did Jerry mouse bring a hammer into the shower with him?
To whack a peeping Tom.
A man walked into a pub...
He asked for a beer and sat down to drink. A minute later, a man came and sat next to him and introduced himself as Jerry. Jerry asked the man if he wanted to hear a story. The man nodded in reply. ‘I built this pub’, Jerry started, ‘with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the pub builder? No. You see that pier that people are fishing on?‘ The man nodd
So little Johnny is sitting in class one day.
The teacher asks,
“I want everyone here to go home and come up with a story that has a moral.”
So the next day the teacher calls on lil Susie. The teacher says,
“What is your story Susie?”
“You have 12 eggs and only 4 of them become chicks.”
The teacher asks,
“Ok, so what’s the moral.” Lil
A tribe captured three men...
...and told them all to find 10 fruits of the same kind and if they didn't they would be killed.
Tom comes back with 10 apples and the tribe member tell him to put them all up his ass without making a sound or they’ll kill him. After the second apple he screamed and they killed him.
The next man came back with ten grapes........8............9 still counting t
Ben and Jerry were friends in college...
Ben and Jerry were friends in college. Two stoners with big ideas about peace, love and understanding. Mostly, of course, they’d just get high in their dorm room on some pills that Jerry would concoct and eat snacks that Ben would whip together.
Then college ended and the two drifted apart. Moved to different towns and lost contact. Just how it goes sometimes.
Two boys in the Woods
Jim and Jerry were playing in the woods with a red ball they had brought with them. The game they were playing was simple, just tossing the ball back and forth to each other. They did this for a few minutes before Jerry had an idea to make the game more fun. This is too easy”! Jerry shouted and went back further to throw the ball making it more of a challenge. He threw the ball hard, but so
A Middle eastern couple were in a restaurant and saw a mouse in their room
The man couldn't say mouse so when he went to the reception he said "do you know tomorrow and jerry?" To which the receptionist says yes the man continues "Wallahi (I swear to god) habibi jerry is here"
The Quarterly Meeting
Corporate is rounding up their regional managers for the regular quarterly meeting. Tensions are high given the company's financial standing. The boss, Jerry, the new guy Brent, and several other associates.
Boss: "Thanks for coming everyone. Let's, get down, to buis-ness."
Jerry: "Haha, to defeat, the huns?"
B: "Jerry what
I've always wondered what Jerry Seinfeld would be like un-cut
It's probably just a bunch of foreskined Jews jokes. That is definitely not something you want all over the cutting room floor!
I was in a writing room with Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
But nothing happened
Jerry Seinfeld at a Poker game:
“What’s the deal?”
Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customer's salsa...
I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that...
Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.
I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.
Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...
Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.
Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a crisp," Jerry says, "Flip him over." Confused at first, b
A plane crashes on an island and three men survive...
After wandering the island for a day, they come across a group of natives. Luckily, one of the natives could speak their language, and offers the survivors a challenge.
"First, search our land and retrieve ten fruit. Return to my hut by sunset tomorrow with the fruit, and be prepared for the second task. Upon completing this rite of passage, we will give you a boat and supplies
My life is all about sex, drugs and rock'n'roll ...
Why just the other day I had a wank while smoking a joint and listening to the greatest hits of Jerry Lee Lewis.
The Voodoo Dick
Two newlyweds come home from their honeymoon and get back into the swing of things after a crazy wedding and honeymoon. The honeymoon was filled with so much sex and relaxation that the couple is glowing with happiness. Let's call the husband Jerry and the wife Donna.
Jerry gets to work and learns that he has to go on a business trip that will last 2 weeks. He goes home and tells
In memory of Marty Funkhauser actor Bob Einstein. Here's him telling a fantastic joke to Jerry Seinfeld
My mate Jerry is great at football, but he never scores more than 2 goals in a match...
My mate Jerry is great at football (soccer for the yanks), but he never scores more than 2 goals in a match...
.... Then again its rare you see a Jerry Hatrick in sport
Have sex with a woman everyday and nothing happens
But fuck a goat once and you suddenly become "Jerry the Goatfucker"
A man is sitting at the bar, after several drinks he heads to the restroom. He returns quickly and appears pretty uncomfortable. The bartender asks "Is everything alright?"
"No, I just saw three men standing in a row having sex in the bathroom."
"Was the guy in middle wearing a red shirt?"
"Yes, I think so."
"That's Jerry, he's lucky at bingo too."
Pedometer is a very unfortunate sounding word with the wrong pronunciation.
Which explains why uncle Jerry was so scared of his Christmas present.
On the house
Me: How much?
Bartender: Oh no, its on the house
Me: * sighs while crapping the ladder for the 5th time*
Me: I swear to god Jerry, if its not there your getting 5 across the ass
What did the psychic say on the Jerry Springer Show when it was revealed "YOU ARE THE FATHER!"
"I got her pregnant in my mind."
Despite the Mueller probe not going well for him, something cool is still happening to President Trump. Ben and Jerry are naming an ice cream after him.
It's called imPeach-Mint.
Despite things not going President Trump's way with the Mueller probe, he still has something cool happening for him. Ben and Jerry are naming an ice cream after him.
It's called imPeach-Mint.
A long time ago, God had a name
A long time ago, God had a name, Ernest Nee. He had just started making humans, and for a long time was satisfied with doing just that. But then he got bored and started making people different colors, sizes, and personalities. But even this became dull. So one day, he made the first disabled person. He named this person Jerry. Jerry had a smaller knee than average, and would hobble around all day
I've been in jail for 5 minutes and i've already been raped 3 times
I hate playing monopoly with uncle Jerry.
I went to a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up last night. It was actually really disappointing he didn't use any of his old jokes I used to love...
Like, what's up with that?
Jerry was in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."
Jerry pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ..
Tom only chases the most suitable mouse.
I guess that is Jerry picking.
Ever watched Italian Tom and Jerry? Speedy Gonzales sounded a bit funny....
He kept saying “andele andele arrivo arrivo!!!”
A young man follows in his father's footsteps... (Long)
The father chopped wood
The son chopped wood
The father built the family home
The son helped expand it
The father did many manual labor jobs to feed the family
The son sacrificed schooling to help at these jobs
The father and son did everything together
Jared from subway, Jerry Sandusky and Michael Jackson are all waiting to get into heaven. Who gets in?
The three little boys in their carryons
What happens when a lion roars thrice?
Tom & Jerry cartoon begins!
What did the deadhead say when the drugs wore off?
"Hey... this music sucks."
(just a joke folks, we all know jerry rules)
A doctor finds a magical lamp
He rubs it and a female genie jumps out:
"You can't interfere with other people's free will, you can't ask for more wishes, you can't ask for me to play Despacito, you can't ask for Despacito 2, you only have two wishes."
The doctor is suspicious: "Ok so how does it all works? What kind of powers do you have?"
An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back ho
Its been 70 years
It’s been 70+ years, Tom. You’re never going to eat Jerry. Smile.