Jerking

Jokes

Whats the best part about turning 50?

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My uncle died jerking off at a 45 degree angle

The blood rushed to his head and his dick at the same time and his heart exploded

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I jerked off so much yesterday, I can't ever see myself jerking off again.

Or anything else for that matter.

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I went to college on a bus,

Looked out the window for once.Pretty sights I thought,Was I right? Oh, not!Saw a man jerking off on impulse.

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I was told sitting on my hand until it fell asleep and then masturbating feels really good

But I misheard and now it feels like I’m jerking somebody else off

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There were two gay men in a pool

Then some sperm came up to the surface and then one of the gay men asked the other gay man:

"What the heck!? Are you jerking of in the pool?"

The other gay man simply replied:

"No, I farted."

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I watched a Faith Goldy JOI video

I guess I'm now jerking to make Canada great again.

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A little boy walks into the living room and catches his dad jerking off...

Kid yells "ewww!"

Dad says "oh whatever, you'll be doing this soon yourself."

"No I won't!" yells back the kid.

"Oh yes you will, my arm is getting tired."

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I walked in on my parents jerking off today.

That was the worst 30 mina of my life.

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A priest is jerking off while doing confessions with a little boy

He tells the boy "Son, you're going to be doing this soon".

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"But why?"

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"Because my hand is getting tired"

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Pro Life

Every Shabbat eve Ben Shapiro mass murders millions of poor Jewish babies by recklessly jerking off whilst thinking about Joe Rogans sweaty body in his 200 degree sauna.

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The other day my dad told me"Son, if you don't quit jerking off, you're gonna go blind!"

I replied: "Dad, I'm over here."

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My father caught me jerking off to porn. Shocked, he took off his belt

pulled down his pants, and he joined.

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The police are looking for a Martian that has been jerking off in the produce section.

Apparently he cums in peas.

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(NSFW)So I've been trying to stop jerking off recently.

But it's so "hard"

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What do you get after jerking off a Bull

Whipped cream

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Difference between surprised and flabbergasted

You're surprised when your father catches you jerking off to porn
You're flabbergasted when he starts to jerk off with you

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I got in trouble for jerking off outside of a school.

But they were even more pissed when I was jerking off inside. Where exactly am I supposed to jerk off?

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I love jerking off with a dead arm

But i think thats the reason i got fired from the morgue

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Man I love jerking off with a dead arm. It feels so good!

At least it did, until everybody said I was "ruining the funeral"

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If jerking off was a contes it would be called

How fast can you blast!

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Sick bastards...

Harvey Weinstein , Larry Nassar and Jerry Sandusky are put in the same jail cell w/ a cup on a table . Harvey starts going about all the stars that he seduced and molested all the while Larry is over there jerking off and finishes in the cup ... Then he starts going off about his stories and harvey starts jerking it then finishes in the cup.... Sandusky gets up takes the cup and drinks the content


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My wife is so into saving the environment that if she walked in on me jerking off into a tissue, all she would say was "why don't you use a linnen towel instead?"

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When ejaculating semen shoots out at around 30mph

Maybe thats why the cops got so pissed at me for jerking off in a school zone.

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Dont you hate it when youre jerking off in an Arbys bathroom and the woman in the next stall wont stop crying?

Upvote if you love cocaine

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So you wake up one morning and go downstairs.

you get to the kitchen and see your dad.

and he's jerking off into a paper bag.

you say

"dad, what the fuck are you doing?"

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he looks over and says

"Packin' a lunch."

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I have to stop jerking off

But its hard

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My friend was telling me about the time he was jerking off to Scarlett Johansson.

The families watching The Avengers were very upset.

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I just walked in on my boss jerking off to my selfies.

That's the last picture of Spider-Man I ever sell to the Daily Bugle.

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How long does it take to microwave a baby?

How in the fuck should I know, I’m was too busy jerking off.

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Have you ever been caught jerking off in the bushes?

No? Pretty good hiding spot, huh?

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My English teacher marked me down for using jerking off as a metaphor for self-indulgence

but I really think the court order was uncalled for.

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A man died while jerking off...

He had it cumming... *ba dum tiss*

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I'm a white guy. I haven't achieved much in my life. I'm overweight and spend all my life on the internet jerking off.

BUT I HATE BLACK PEOPLE BECAUSE OF THEIR SKIN!!!

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I was escorted out of the theater for jerking off during Schindler's List...

To be fair, the movie had a shower scene in it.

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TIFU by walking in on my roommate jerking off

Our eyes locked as I opened the front door. He seemed really embarrassed and then he spoke.

"Why are you masturbating?," he asked me.

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A friend told me masturbating before important decisions helps..

You should've seen the look on my recruiter's face when I was jerking off before signing my employment contract..

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So I was jerking off to a scene from Django Unchained the other day.

Then I said it’s no Roots but I came anyway.

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At first, me and my friends shook our fists at the idea of circle-jerking,

but eventually, we came around.

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What'd I say to my introvert friends who were jerking off alone in separate rooms?

"C'mon, pull yourselves together!"

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Two blind men sitting on a couch.

One asks another:

\-Do ever masturbate?

\-Yeah, I'm jerking off right now.

\-Well, how about you start jerking off your dick?!

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I've been undergoing stem cell treatments for over 3 years

That's what I call jerking off in my mouth

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Dont you hate it when youre jerking off in an Arbys bathroom and the woman in the next stall wont stop crying?

Me too, man.

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What do you call a fisherman jerking off?

Master baiter

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The wife was feeling kinky and tried jerking me off with her feet...

...but she was just rubbing me the wrong way.

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Shock!

Read up that men’s average ejaculation speed is 28mph......imagine my shock to find out that jerking off outside a primary school was illegal!

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I'm jerking an egg and a chicken off...

... I'll let you know.

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A father walks in on his son

A father catches his son masturbating and tells him “stop jerking off or you’re gonna go blind”
The son responds “Dad I’m over here”

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Have you ever tried doing your home work while jerking off?

It's hard

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Im on a downward spiral of jerking off

centripetally that is

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