Intimate

Jokes

Two blondes are having an intimate conversation...

blonde 1: my boyfriend has dandruff, what can I do to help him?

blonde 2: give him head and shoulders.

blonde 1: OK but... how do I give him shoulders?

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My wife and I have been together for 69 years

Still when we are intimate, I have to teach her proper gum control.

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I'm getting way too intimate with my money.

My dollar bill was telling me to "compound it continuously"

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What do you call two crows being intimate on a tree?

Dichromate

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My wife was always self-conscious about her amputated arm, so I tried to think of ways to incorporate it in a low-key manner during our intimate moments.


Suffice it to say that for a while I was stumped.

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Theres only one phrase my girlfriend responds to when we have our intimate time together

“Hey Siri”

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What do you call it when the US President has intimate relations with his daughter?

Donald Fucking Trump

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Intimate bathroom conversation . . .

I was in a men's room and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next stall.

He said, “Hi, how are you?” Embarrassed I said, “I am doing fine.”

The voice said, “So what are you up to?” I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”

From the next stall came, “Can I come over?” Anno


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I always start crying when im about to get intimate with a girl

Does anybody have a good tips against pepperspray?

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I've been trying to lose weight, and my doctor said I should stop having intimate dinners for 4..

...unless there are 3 other people with me.

(Likely source for this is Orson Wells, and it's a loose quote)

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A man is at a therapy session.

It's not his first. He's been seeing this doctor for about a year, and has finally decided to open up a bit more.

"Doc," he starts, "I think I'm in love with my horse."

"I see. How long have you had these feelings?"

The patient closed his eyes with pause, but it was apparent that he was rolling them back in his hea


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Why do S and U feel comfortable sharing intimate details to the one next to them?

Because that's where loyal T lies.

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When I get intimate with the wife, I like to listen to Mozart, Bach, Vivaldi, but specially...

Depussy

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My girlfriend and I were getting intimate

She whispered, "Put your finger inside me", so I did.

"Now put in two fingers", so I did.

"Now put three fingers in", so I did.

"Now four fingers", so I put in four.

"Now I want your whole hand inside me", so I put in my whole hand.

"Now your other hand. I want both of them"


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I was intimate with a clown once.

She just tickled my funny bone.

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I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

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I got intimate with a girl in a nightclub.

[deleted]

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I always cry before getting intimate with a girl

Does someone have tips against pepperspray?

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A world famous guitarist has just announced his next tour of low-key, intimate gigs. He will perform in a Santa suit.

Secret Santana

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As they were alone together, the family dog and cat became intimate...

[deleted]

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A piece of spaghetti was hesitant to get intimate with her boyfriend.

[deleted]

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Best Man Joke (original... feedback appreciated)

*"Mike" is known for shitting himself on multiple occasions...*

As one of Mike's best friends, I'm fortunate enough to receive the intimate details of Mike's gastro-intestinal bouts. Those who know Mike may take pity on me, but there's no need. I'm a fan of self defecating humor.


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I had intimate contact with Jesus...

...in a Mexican jail cell.

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My girlfriend and I have an intimate relationship, but she got upset when I was using her toothbrush.

So I just said 'Hey, if YOU have a better way to get dogshit out of sneakers...'

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Did you hear about the intimate blind couple?

It was love at first.

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A Knight of the Round Table needs some help

A Knight of the Round table needed some help on a quite intimate affair. He approached King Arthur one day and said "My Liege, every time I have intercourse with my wife, she flies off of my penis"

To which King Arthur replies "Well, perhaps you Camelot".

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An old russian joke

A love-stricken young man rings his beloved and tells her -- "My sweetest, I would like to tell you something special, something truly intimate, something that I wish to remain shared only between the three of us: you, me, and the KGB officer who eavesdrops on our phone line"...

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Forgetful...

A young guy was trying hard to get a young lady to go out with him. She eventually agreed, and the pair had a good night out.

They wanted to see each other again so she said, "Why don't you ring me in a few days and we'll go out again?"

He agreed but warned her that he was dreadful at remembering names so asked her help in trying to remember hers.


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Intimate With A Ghost

A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"

About 80 students raise their hands.

"That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"


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Tarzan and Jane were getting intimate in the jungle...

Tarzan and Jane were getting intimate in the jungle. It was Tarzan's first time having sex so Jane was teaching him how to do everything. Tarzan tells Jane that he used to do the same thing but with a hole in a tree (ouch). Jane is surprised and shows him her lady parts and says that's where it goes. Tarzan gets excited and they are about to get it on when all of a sudden, with all his m


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WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
his m


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Intimate couple and kid (possible NSFW)

A couple living in a small house,wanted to have sex without their Son watching it. They asked their son to stand in balcony, and keep telling them what's going on outside. Soon they started having sex in bedroom, and also hear their Son

Son : Tina is playing, John is buying fruits, Watchman is dozing

and

Micheal uncle is fucking his wife..


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