Instant

Jokes

I've got a joke about instant gratification.

But I'll tell you it some other time.

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The other day I asked my younger cousin if hed rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

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People who buy turf for their yards dont have the patience to grow their own

They want instant grassification

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I have a fetish for power switches

They're an instant turn on

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Astrophysicists can be quite the jokers too at times.

Some time ago, a famous astrophysicist told me this very astrophysical joke :


"Yo mama's so fat that she'll collapse into a black hole the instant she stops farting"

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Whats it called when you comment nice things on posts and immediately get free internet points?

Instant Karma

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I was driving through a Forrest and felt a small bump so

I stopped and pulled over to see what happened . I had ran over a hare. Suddenly a girl came over and sprayed something on the dead hare. It then jumped up ,ran a few feet then waved .It kept repeating this and I was shocked .i asked the girl what she sprayed on the hare.

She said it was instant wave hare spray


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What is the one question on a test that if answered incorrectly, gives you an instant 0?

Your name. You want credit don't you?

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I can make any car smell like a new car.....

just crash it into a lot of new cars and BAM! Instant new car smell infusion!

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What did the shitposter get when he posted another repost?

Instant Karma.

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Instant Cure

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Recently came into some money.

Instant regret, way too sticky.

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I tried to switch from instant coffee to tea...

But the time difference is steep.

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Did Japan actually lose WW2?

Because they are still taking out Americans to this day with Instant Ramen.

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I got a vanity plate yesterday.

Instant regret. Pee everywhere.

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Whats John Lennons favourite Indian ready meal?

Instant Korma.

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I posted something very popular on reddit the other day...

Instant karma

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What do instant noodles say at the end of a prayer?

Ramen.

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If i could cure my fever by using smooth pickup lines...

i would die from a heat stroke in an instant...

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Instant e-mail.

Was legendary when it was invented, but today, it's nothing to write home about.

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I remember when I finally knocked out the school bully. I thought I'd be an instant hero, but apparently...



...it's 'appalling behavior' for a parent.

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I called my dog Stain as he continuously urinates in the corner. Instant regretted it when I realised I had to call Stain over.

Heel stain! (ya dirty minded redditors you!)

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I made a post once and it got 10 upvotes in a second

Instant Karma

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TIL the Nazi salute began as an instant protective measure when their jumpy Fhrer heard this weather report:

"Hail, Hitler."

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I like my women like I like my coffee

Instant with a little bit of brown sugar.

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The instant orgasm trick

\*\*\*\*This is an old one, but I haven't seen it in 2 decades, so here goes..



The more experienced readers are probably already familiar with
this trick, but, for the others who want to give their man
something truly special...

This works best as a surprise, so don't tell him exactly what
you're going to do -- just a


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Why does ISIS like instant coffee?

Because they hate the French Press.

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Technology has come far for girls.

You now have the option for an instant real time choice of various picture filters as makeup instead of your original makeup or double up!

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My friend accidentally discovered a foolproof method of getting instant long lashes.

He smoked a joint in Saudi Arabia.

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The British prime minister is releasing an aquarium-based instant messaging service

It's called Koi Carp DM, by Teresa May.

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The British prime minister is releasing an aquarium-based instant messaging service

It's called Koi Carp DM, by Teresa May.

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The British prime minister is releasing an aquarium-based instant messaging service

It's called Koi Carp DM, by Teresa May

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Last night I met a girl in the park

There was an instant spark between us. She instantly fell for me and I took her home.

Oh god how much I love my paralyzer.

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What is a case of Instant Karma you witnessed?

For me, it was the auto-upvote I get everytime I post something on reddit.

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An older couple finds genie lamp.

The genie pops out and says they each get a wish.

The wife guys 1st and says, "I want to travel around the world with my husband!"

Suddenly plane tickets and packed bags appear cute both of them.

The husband grins and says, "I wish my wife was younger!"

In an instant the husband was aged twenty years.


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Bruce Wayne made some instant noodles

Batman and Ramen

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What is Reddit's favorite song?

[Instant Karma!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVoeNxWxjdA)

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I'm having trouble searching or Instant Pot Brownie recipies

[deleted]

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Three men were stranded in a hot desert when suddenly a gene appeared!

The gene says: “I see you three have been walking in this hot desert for over a week and you’re almost out of food and water! I will give each of you one wish, and one wish only!”

The first man immediately shouts “Please teleport me home!”

And in an instant the man was teleported away.

The second man excitingly shouts “Ple


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TIL There's a compound "ni" in every organism...

Taking it out would give an instant orgasm to all organism. Mind blowing.

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What do you call a superhero who's made out of instant noodles?

Ra-man.

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I have a 4 GB RAM stick and want a 2GBx2GB Config

So I took the 4GB stick and snapped it in half, there dual channel speed in an instant

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A woman is out buying groceries...

She buys one apple, one banana, one small milk, a frozen meal for one and one cup of instant noodles. The cashier looks at her and says "So, I suppose you're single?" The woman looks away, blushing, and answers "Yes I am. How did you know?" The cashier replies "Because you are fucking ugly."


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The biggest instant noodle company in Japan just went out of business

People are calling it the Fall of the Ramen Empire

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As a go-go boy I become instant sensation in China, they even gave me my own Chinese name

Too Long!

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Why do people take such an instant dislike to Ted Cruz ?

It saves so much time.

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A man sold an Instant Ticket to an underage, undercover cop

The man got an instant ticket

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I started dating this girl online who says she's from Turkey but I'm starting to doubt her.

It was definitely Instant-bull.

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Early morning, You find your post on first page and you feel instant happiness about thinking of reddit karma...than you realize

[deleted]

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A small store gets robbed

A criminal broke into a small store and holds a gun to the cashier's head. Seeing her attractiveness he gave her the option to take off her shirt or to give him all the money. At that instant something fell from a shelf behind the criminal and he turned around to see what it was

She took the uppernudity


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