Impress

Jokes

Shania Twain was born today

That don't impress me much.

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I tried to impress a girl the other day by putting my foot down on the pedal

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How to empress your crush

yesterday I had a date and it was very funny, we laugh, talk about many things and stuff. Then she said, she loves children. me with the iq of the potatoes tries to impress her and said I am a pedophile too

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My friend tries to impress women by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He is a pickup artist.

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Never try to impress a women with farming equipment.

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I joined a gym and said to the trainer, I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?

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I built an entire car out of spaghetti just to impress this girl.

Should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

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When I want to impress people, I tell them I have a Phd.

I hang it on my wall in the Garage.


Post Hole Digger.

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A cowboy walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to an attractive woman. Wanting to impress her, he tells her “So, I’m a cowboy.”

“That’s nice, but I’ve always been much more of a dog person.”she replied.

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I'm a farmer using different methods trying to impress a girl I like

But nothing seems to a tractor

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She: so what do you do for a living?

Me, trying to impress her: i work with animals.
She: aaww thats cute i knew you had a good heart.

Turns out being a butcher is helpful for picking up girls.

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A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

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I tried to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal.

It turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.

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Blind Date: Sooo im a huge country fan

Me: *trying to impress her* I know China is incredibly huge.

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Potato In Swimming Trunk

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

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I wanted to impress my friends so I learned how to improve my guitar skills.

Even though I considered it as A Major task, I could only C Minor improvement.

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I got fired

My boss called us all in to a meeting and I wasn’t really paying attention. The only bits I heard were that,as she was retiring, she was looking for someone among us who could rise up to lead her cherished company in a “firm new direction.”

Realising I was in with a shout,I immediately stood up, stripped naked and displayed a raging boner for her to inspect which


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Trying to impress my new girlfriend, I told her that I could build a car out of spaghetti

She told me to stop talking nonsense or she'd dump me.

She soon changed her tune when I drove pasta...

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A boy and his father.

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."


"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"


So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed a


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I've been trying to learn Spanish to impress my Latino friends

They call me a Duogringo

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My crush said I like guys with big dicks

Trying to impress her and to relate I said "me too".

Turns out she was Thai.

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I bought a puppy to impress a girl who comes for a walk every morning

Now they both like each other

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Best Pickup Line?

So I’ve used this pickup line several times and normally it works.

Disclaimer I’m not sure if this is an original or not.

Side-note: this is also one to start a conversation not to pickup chicks.

“Hey I’m not good at starting a conversation so here’s a pickup line 🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚”

Someti


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Boy complains to his father:You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls at the swimming pool but you forgot to mention on thing.

Dad: Really,what??

Boy: You forgot to tell me that the potato should go at the front.

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Looking for help!

Work is having a competition based on the prompt “if you could replace the lawn in your backyard with anything what would it be and why” and my response has to be 50 words or less. Funniest wins a movie ticket! And I’ve not a single funny bone in me but would like to impress new coworkers please help!


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I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad

now she is my mom

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Child: Dad I want to impress the girls.

Dad: Ok put a potato in your swimming trunks when you go swimming.

Child: That's it, I don't have to do anything else?

Dad: Yep that's it.
--Later--
Child: Dad, the girls were staring at my butt

Dad: Well where did you put the potato?

Child: In the back of my swim trunks.

Dad: *face palm*


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Potato potato

Boy complains to his father "You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!"
Father: "Really, what?"
Boy: "That the potato should go in the front."

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Boy complains to his father:

You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing! Father: Really, what? Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

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A boy complains to his father

“Dad, you told me to put a cucumber in my swimming shorts to impress the girls at the pool, but you forgot to tell me something!”

“Really, What was that?”, said the father

“The cucumber was supposed to go in the front”

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I wanted to impress my new girlfriend for Valentines Day so I booked a table, now she isnt speaking to me

How was I supposed to know she didn’t like snooker?

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TIL dolphins are so smart that if you put them in a library, they would impress a great many people

However, this kills them

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The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

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Trying to impress my date

Date; I love animals

Me trying to impress date: I can talk to animals

Date: Prove it

Me: Hello, you fucking duck

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Yep, it sucks.

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing! Father: Really, what? Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

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My girlfriends tried to impress me by reciting all digits of Pi, but failed after reaching 3.14

But hey, it’s the thot that counts.

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Me trying to impress my girl with big words

Darling, you look absolutely... bovine

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Its parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly untrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we to punishing them?” Not to be outdone by her male comrade counterparts, the superio


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I wanted to impress a girl

I wanted to impress a girl who hates road signs...

So I pulled out all the stops.

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Her: I like a guy who's in touch with his feminine side

Me: (trying to impress her) I'm on my period

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Her: I like a guy who's in touch with his feminine side

Me: *trying to impress her*
I'm on my periods

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Please upvote, I told this girl Im funny and I wanna impress her

She’s already seen my dick so I really need to balance the scale

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The Prudish Son and the Sausage Factory

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "this should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said: "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this mach


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After wooing women on a night out, I like to impress them.

So I make sure I polish the bonnet of where I live.

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Knock knock

Reply with the rest of the joke (impress me)

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I have to say that scissors really impress me.

Absolutely cutting-edge technology.

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I asked my personal trainer which machine I should use at the gym to impress the ladies..

She looked me up and down and then said, "The ATM."

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What do you call when people try to impress their crush who is high?

Romancing the stoned.

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I remember trying to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal ...

... But it turns out she had seen a bin open that way before.

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