Idiot

Jokes

What do you call an ironic idiot?

An oxymoron.

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In the public toilets

I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".

The voice said "So what are you up to?".

I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!

Then I'm asked "Can I come over?".


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An idiot was sleeping when he's awoken by the nearby club's loud electronica music ...

He rolls his eyes knowing that another famous band is playing there. He leaves the apartment in pajamas and walks to the club. The idiot arrives and sees a long line of clubbers waiting to enter.

The idiot approaches one of the clubbers and asks "Who's playing tonight?" The clubber, spontaneously, insults the idiot's intelligence and political views. Enraged, h


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Two carpenters are nailing up siding...

Two carpenters are nailing up siding one day. The first carpenter grabs a nail from his pouch, examines it, and then tosses it in the trash. He proceeds to grab another nail, examine it, and then hammers it into the siding. He repeats this process several time. Finally the second carpenter turns to him and asks "Why are you doing that?" to which the first carpenter replies "Half of


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How do you know if someone is an idiot in a cock fight arena?

He brought a duck to a cock fight.

How do you know if someone is more of an idiot than the first one?

If he placed a bet on the duck.

How do you know if a syndicate is involved?

If the duck won.

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To the fucking idiot who stole my shit

I will find you, I swear.

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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

[Click the link to find out.]

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Common sense

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.
Son- I see millions of stars.
Father- And what does that tell you?
Son- Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.
Father slaps


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Child: Dad, I'm so happy, I got a B in reading!

Dad: That's a D you idiot!

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THREE DEAD MEN

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the numbe


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THREE DEAD MEN

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the numbe


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THREE DEAD MEN

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the numbe


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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

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Movie tickets

So... I went to the movies last night. I ended up having to buy 6 tickets because there was this idiot inside who kept tearing them up.

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Which is heavier : a litre of water or a litre of butane?

The water.

Water is denser than butane and liter is a measurment of volume, idiot

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Superman was walking down the street

What an idiot, he can fly

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If you don't know the difference between your and you're...

Your a fucking idiot

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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you tommorow

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Ten commandments

I was walking to the park with my friend when I saw a duck being stolen. "Look! A duckery!" I told my friend. "What are you talking about?" He asked.

I can't believe he didn't even know the most famous of the ten commandments, Thou shall comment on a duckery. What an idiot.


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How do you fool an idiot

-Put him in a circle room
-Tell him to sit in the corner

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A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says....

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."


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Whats Gordon Ramsays favorite movie

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If Christopher Columbus had had a wife, he would have had to hear: - Part I

- That you're going where?

- To find out what?

- And why do you have to go?

- You're an asshole... Or what!

- And why don't they send someone else?

- You see everything round!

- Are you crazy or are you an idiot?

- You don't even know my family and you want to discover the new world!


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How do you confuse a idiot?

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Did you hear about the idiot who spent to long thinking ?

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I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"

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A Russian, an American, and a Canadian

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian were at a bar.

The Russian says,"We were the first in space!"

The American says, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Canadian is silent for a while, and then exclaims confidently, "Then we shall be the first on the sun!"

Both give him a confused look. After a few seconds pass,


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What do you call someone who is a idiot in science?

A sillycon.

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My Dad is an idiot. Growing up he would always complain about how much his back hurt and when I'd ask him why he'd always say it was because he slept wrong. How the hell do you sleep wrong?

Then one day I discovered my Dad wasn't an idiot after all. I woke up with a terrible pain in my back. Wife asks me how I got hurt and without thinking I tell her I slept wrong.

The original comedian I heard on sirius radio years ago told it so much better. The first time I heard it I didn't get it. Then one morning I woke up with a bad back and I couldn't stop laug


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A man walks into a bar,

he orders a Jack and Coke and it was good so he had a few more. Then he stepped outside and in his drunken stupor he falls in the bay. He prays to God, " Lord, I know I'm a drunk but please help me." A boat comes and asks him if he wants help. The man says, "No, God is going to help me." A second boat comes and the same thing happens. By the third boat the man is dead. In


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My brother is an absolute idiot

He has 3 daughters and they are Yvone, Yvtwo and Yvthree...

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Tomorrow I have to pick up my mate from prison, the idiot got caught stealing a calendar.

It was alright, he only got 12 months.

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A teacher pointed her pen to a student said "At the end of this pen is an idiot"

Student: Yea your end

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I get really embaressed when my wife asks me to hold her handbag...

I look like an idiot holding two.

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Yesterday my wife said I must really be fucking stupid for coming home so late

Hey, it's not my fault her sister's an idiot.

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How long does it take an idiot to change a lightbulb

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What does an idiot say to a blind person who doesn't take care of himself?

"Look at yourself!"

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What does an idiot say to a blind person that doesn't take care of himself?

"Look at yourself!"

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What does an idiot tell a deaf person that doesn't take care of himself?

"Look at yourself!"

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How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I will tell you tomorrow.

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How video games cause mass shootings?

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Two transexuals get lost in the woods



Eventually, nature calls and one of them goes near to take a dump. Two minutes later she returns crying

\-What happened?

\-OMG... i had an abortion!!

\-What are you talking about we cant get pregnant!

\-Come and look for yourself

They both go together to the place she was before and the crying one points to the groud a


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Two transexuls get lost in the woods

Eventually, nature calls and one of them goes near to take a dump. Two minutes later she returns crying

\-What happened?

\-OMG... i had an abortion!!

\-What are you talking about we cant get pregnant!

\-Come and look for yourself

They both go together to the place she was before and the crying one points to the groud and says
<


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Why is Dark spelled with a K but not a C?

Because its correct English, you idiot.

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A joke my friend told me Why did the doctor go to hospital?

It was his fucking job you idiot!

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What did 4 tell 2 when he saw 8 acting like an idiot?

Don't worry, he's just a product of our times.

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Me at the clothing store, with mom

Mom: *looking at shirt*

Mom "hey this one is pretty cool, dont you think?"

Me: "Yeah, if you want to look like an idiot!"

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I called my school-time friend after a long while,

He said he was working on a special project called "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".

I was Impressed...

Later I realized that idiot was washing dishes and utensils in warm water under the supervision of his wife.

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When I came home, I saw that there was only half my apartment

Some idiot has put up the sign "Flat 50% off!"

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