Hunter

Jokes

The Great White Hunter

A wealthy American man has retired and is entering old age. Fearing that he hasn't lived his life to the fullest, he decides that the first thing he will do with his funds will be to fulfill a childhood dream of his: to go hunting in Africa and take down a gorilla.

He promptly arranges a flight to Africa. When he arrives, he tells the locals his intentions of gorilla hunting and


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There's a forest, and in this forest is a river and hovering above this river is a fly and and looking at this fly is a fish and the fish is looking at this fly and is thinking: you know what, that fly drops six inches, i'm gonna go up there, get that fly and have myself a really nice meal.

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A hunter is in the jungle looking for a prey when he spots a majestic tiger...

Thinking that he has hit the jackpot, he shoots the tiger but the bullet misses it by an inch. The hunter gets really nervous and pleads the tiger not to kill him.

The tiger says,"I won't kill you but only on one condition. You have to let me fuck you". Seeing no other option the hunter says yes and the tiger has his way with him.

The hunter feels humiliat


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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection. How is it possible?

Doctor : There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : You understood the story. Next p


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Buffalo Come

A foreign hunter was given the job of hunting a pesky buffalo that had been terrifying a indian village. The hunter hires a local scout to seek the animal. After walking along the forest for a while. The scout puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmm, Buffalo come".
The hunter incredulous asks "What? I didn't hear anything. How do you know buffalo come?"
The sc


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Why did the hunter go with the cheaper rifle?

It's more buck for your bang

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Lake Huron looks like a hunter, Lake Michigan looks like a squash, Lake Superior looks like a wolf and Lake Erie looks like it's on fire again

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I'm an advid hunter, and after sex, I shot my wife in the face today!!

She threw my shirt back at me, and said she'd rather it on her tits!!

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Old Hunter

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a


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A Man Was Hunting Polar Bear...

A man shot a polar bear. He gets a tap on the shoulder and turns around. Its the bear's brother who says,"You have a choice, either I maul you to death, or fuck you up the ass." The hunter takes his punishment and comes back a few weeks later after healing to avenge the incident. He finds the bear and shoots him. Immediately another tap on the shoulder. That bear's cousin with


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Doctor doctor my girlfriend is pregnant..

Guy: But we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly appeared and jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun and shot the lion,


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Two men were hunting in the forest.

They were hunting for moose and they weren't doing a very good job, so they decided to split up.

They were separated for a while. About an hour later, one hunter heard some rustling in the bushes. He raised his gun, turned off the safety, and was ready to pull the trigger, when all of a sudden, the second hunter jumped out of the bushes.

He said, "Hey stop!! I&


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There were two hunters in the forest.

They were hunting for moose and they weren't doing a very good job, so they decided to split up.

They were separated for a while. About an hour later, one hunter heard some rustling in the bushes. He raised his gun, turned off the safety, and was ready to pull the trigger, when all of a sudden, the second hunter jumped out of the bushes.

He said: Hey stop!! I'm


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Three hunters go into the woods. They find a cannibal tribe that kidnaps them and says it they each do one task they will be let go...

The leader of the tribe says they have to go into the woods and find ten of one kind of fruit. After that, they have to put all ten up their butt without making any noises or faces. They let the first man go and he comes back five minutes later with ten apples. He gets to the third apple and starts to cry out in pain. The tribe leader shoots him with a dart to eat later. The second man goes out an


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Once in a forrest there was a river...



Hovering over that river was a fly.

But what that fly didn't know was, in that river there was a fish watching the fly thinking, if that fly drops 6 inches, i'm gonna jump up and get that fly, and have myself a really nice meal.

But what the fish didn't know was, on the riverbank there was a bear watching the fish, watching the fly thinking,


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Once in a forrest there was a river...

Hovering over that river was a fly.

However, what that fly didn't know was, in that river there was a fish watching the fly rhinking, if that fly drops 6 inches, i'm gonna jump up and get that fly, and have myself a really nice meal.

But what the fish didn't know was, on the riverbank there was a bear watching the fish, watching the fly thinking, if that fl


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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Docto


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Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always used protection and the rubber never broke. How is this even possible?

Doc: Let me tell you a story. " Once there was a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun and shot the lion, then it died!

Guy: Its nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion.

Doc: E


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Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant, we always use protection and it didnt break. How is this possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he want. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, then it died!


The male patient: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion...


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When a Fly drops 6 inches

An old wise man and his grandson are hiking along a river, when the old man spots a fly buzzing about, just above the water.

Well the fly was 6 inches above the water level, and below the fly waited a fish, thinking “If that fly drops 6 inches I’m gonna have me a good snack!”

On the bank waited a Bear, who was watching the fish watch the fly. The bear&r


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A hunter shoots a duck and it falls on First Nations land...

The Hunter goes to get it, and a native man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the native says, "My people have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kicking each other in the nuts, and whoever gives up first, must al


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Who's the best hunter in Norway?

Anders Behring Breivik

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A hunter shoots a duck and the duck falls dead on Aboriginal territory.

The Hunter goes to get it, and an Aboriginal man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the Aboriginal says, "We have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kicking each other in the nuts, and whoever gives up first, must


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A man, aged 90, who is married to a 30 year old woman got her pregnant.

The man rushed to his doctor who said that he could no longer have a kid to give the news.

-Doctor: that is not possible
-Man: It did happen!
-Doctor: There was once a hunter, whose weapon was not loaded, he aimed at a duck and said "Bang" and the duck dropped dead.
-Man: That is not possible, someone else must have hit it!
-Doctor: That is what I am


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Did you all here that dog the bounty hunters wife just died?

Guess she left him for god the bounty hunter

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A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home.

A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home, and has his wife clean it and cook some of it for dinner. The wife then serves it to the family. She says to the children: "Can you guess what this meat is? As a clue, it's something I call your father."


"Don't eat it!" says one child to the other, "it's a fucking dick!"


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There were three hunters in the woods.

There were three hunters in the woods when they were captured by a native tribe.

They were brought to the Chief and then the Chief told them to find 10 of one fruit and bring them back. When the 1st hunter came back with 10 apples the Chief told him to put them up his butt without showing emotion.

The 1st hunter got to his second apple before crying so he got killed. Lu


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Very funny joke!!!

u/hunter-the-hunter

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A group of Minnesota friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That evening, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry"? the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail", the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back"? they inquired.


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A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.

 

One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river had flooded.

 


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A man decides he'd like to go bear hunting

So finds himself a rifle and heads for bear country. Comes across this great big bastard and lines him up for a headshot. His nerves get the better of him, and his aim is bad – instead of a kill shot he puts the round straight thru that bear’s ear. The bear is furious. Quick as a flash, runs over to the hunter, takes his rifle off him, bends him over a tree stump and rapes the shit out


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Why do we have so many guys named Hunter

but no girls named Gatherer?

source: not sure if this was a genuine question from nephew or a joke

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A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.

The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting. The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train. Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his knees and began to pray, Dear Lord let this bear become a Christian!! At that moment the Grizzly Bear s


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Fly on a log

On a sunny day in a beautiful forest, there was a log lazily floating on a river. On that log was a fly. The fly was caught by a fish's eye, who thinks 'heres a little snack. If he was a few inches closer to the edge of that log, I could jump out of the water and way him.'

Meanwhile, a bear in a bush spotted the fish. He thinks 'if that fish comes a few inches clos


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A fly is hovering above a lake.

Little did the fly know, there was a fish underneath it. The fish thought to itself: "If that fly drops six inches, I'm gonna have myself a nice meal." But, little did the fish know, there was a bear behind it.

The bear thought to himself: "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump up and eat it and I'll jump and I'll have myself a nice meal."


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How did the hunter kill the polar bear?

He shot him right between the ice!

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A fish was watching a fly and thought if that fly drops 6 inches, Ill jump out of this river, catch it, and have a really nice meal.

What the fish didn’t know was that there was a bear watching from a distance. The bear thought to himself ‘if that fly drops six inches and that fish jumps out to get it, I’ll catch the fish and have a really nice meal.’

What the bear didn’t know was that there was a hunter eating a sandwich across the river watching the entire thing. The hunter thought &


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Tree hugger



A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Grants Pass , Oregon . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In
her hast


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A river in a forest

In a forest there was a river, and six inches above that River was a fly. What that's why I didn't know was that there was a fish in the water. The fish thought to itself" you know what? That fly drops 6 inches, I'm going to get that fly and have myself a really nice meal." What the fish didn't know was that there was a bear looking at the fish looking at the fly. The


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Grumpy Cat and Steve Irwin in meme heaven

Grumpy Cat dies and goes to meme heaven. One day she was talking with Steve Irwin when Steve heard screaming. He just assumed it was angels getting their halos screwed on and kept talking. More screaming came and Steve assumed the same.


Steve heard screaming, but this time in Tupac Shakur's direction, but ignored it. Finally, after even more screaming, the crocodile hunte


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Two hunters are walking in the forest.

One of them stops breathing and falls to the ground. Panicking, the other hunter calls 911 and says,” My friend just stopped breathing, what should I do?”
911 says,” Everything will be fine, just make sure he’s dead first.” There is silence and then a gunshot. The hunter says,” Okay, what next?”


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The hunter saw a moose at a watering place.

Aim at him. Shot. Nothing happened. Shot again. Elk drinks water calmly. Hunter shots again and again. Here the moose raises its head and says: But what the fuck?.. I drink and drink, and I get worse and worse.

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Long A man was arrested for hunting without a license...

The judge said, "I see this is your third offense. You never learn. I'm going to give you a punishment you'll remember. I hereby sentence you to wear a deer costume and wait on all fours for a hunter to come by. You'll have a ball gag in your mouth, so you'll understand how the deer feel, as you won't be able to simply tell the hunter not to shoot. If you survive the


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Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods, and one collapses. His partner takes out his phone and calls 911. “My friend is dead!”, the hunter said. The operator replied,”Ok, make sure he is dead, if not, the ambulance I sent will help him”. There was a silence and a gunshot, and back on the phone, the hunter said,”He is definitely dead”


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One day, a priest and a hunter were walking through the woods,

Suddenly, a rabbit jumps in front of them. Hunter takes the gun out, fires at the rabbit and misses.

\- Fucking turd of a rifle, fucking rabbit, this shit always happens. God damn it! (Turns to the priest) -What the fuck you're looking at?!!!

Priest just gently replies:

\- Temper my child, everything happens for a reason. Don't use the name of our


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Two hunters talk about their dogs...

Says one hunter "...and then there are dogs, that are way smarter than their owners", to which the other replied: "Yeah, I got one like this!"

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The Lake Story

A wonderfully large lake sits surrounded by lush forests, and on this lake hovers a fly. The fly is 6 inches above the water, however unbeknownst to the fly there is a trout just underneath the surface. The trout says to himself "Now if that fly drops 6 inches I'll have lunch!" However what the trout fails to realize is behind a tree just on the shore, sits a bear. The bear says to


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2 Hunters Go Hunting

2 Hunters are out in the woods hunting when one trips, falls over a rock, and becomes unconscious. The other Hunter drops to his side and puts his head to his chest. His heart was still beating, but very slowly.
The other Hunter quickly pulls out his phone and dials 911. The operator on the other line picks up.
"Hello 911, what's your emergency? "
He stutters to a


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The Fly and the Fish

There was this fly buzzing above the surface of a river, and at the surface of the river was a fish. The fish was watching the fly and thinking to itself, "If that fly drops six inches, I'll be able to jump up, catch it, and have myself a nice meal." What the fish didn't know was that there was a bear waiting at the edge of the river, watching the fish watching the fly. And the


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Erwin the Bounty Hunter

Erwin the bounty hunter rides into town with a box strapped to his horse behind him. He rides up to the mayor, holds up the "Wanted" poster, and says, "I've got Bart the Bandit here just as you requested: 'Dead and alive'."

The mayor replies, "The poster says 'Dead OR alive', not 'Dead AND alive'."

Erwin sta


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