Hundred

Jokes

What do you call a three hundred pound dad who's one cupcake away from exploding?

pops.

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I've done a hundred pull ups today.....

This new belt is crap!

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One dung beetle walks into a bar and nobody cares...

A hundred dung beetles walk into a bar and everyone loses their shit.

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Who's the biggest player in the Hundred Acre Wood?

Eeyore, he's always chasing that tail.

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God and an angel where sat in a room

GOD: 8
ANGEL: 9!
GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk
ANGEL: 10 lol!
GOD: 15!!
ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25
GOD: 30!!
CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid
GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL
ANGEL: LMAO

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Why is Hitler a better guy than Jesus

Jesus made a couple hundred people bread and fish while on the other hand Hitler made 5 million people toast

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Hong Kong

I was shopping in Hong Kong recently. I bought twenty bucks worth of groceries and paid with a hundred bill.

The shop owner gave me the bag of goods and went on to serve the next customer.

I was livid! "Where's my money? I bought twenty and paid with a hundred! You owe me eighty dollars!"

The old man just looked at me as if I was stupid. &quo


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To whomever broke into my shop and stole three hundred cans of Red Bull:

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

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A sex ed teacher stands in front of a high school assembly and announces, "there are seven basic positions for heterosexual intercourse."

As he pauses between sentences, a cocky voice pipes in from the back of the auditorium. "Actually, it's 136".

The teacher decides to ignore the student. "As I was saying," he continues, "there are seven basic pos..."

"That's one hundred and thirty six, you cretin!" shouts the student. "What kind of 1950s propaganda ar


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I loaned my girlfriend five hundred dollars a couple years ago. Today she gave me the money back.

I broke up with her because I lost interest in the relationship.

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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove Pasta.

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If I had a hundred dollars for every gender

I'd have $200 and a bunch of counterfeits

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Five million, three hundred and eighteen thousand, and eight.

Put in in a calculator.

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My wife said, I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.

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Money-Minded Lawyer

A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked, "Sir, may I know how much you charge for a case or lawsuit?"

"A hundred dollars for every 3 questions," said the lawyer.

"What the heck? Isn't that really expensive?" the man asked.

"Yes, and what is your 3rd question?" the lawyer replied.


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My first helicopter ride

Been going to the coast for 30 years with my wife ,living here in NC,and there is a ride that u can take on a helicopter,seeing the coast from the air. Always thought it would be awesome. It cost 100 bucks. On our honeymoon I told my wife Deb,let’s do it. She complained it was 100 bucks. “A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks” No go. Go back a few years later and the answer was alwa


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A time traveling alien appears in a flash of light in a bar.

He is obviously having the night of his life when he turns to the bartender and asks for a two hundred thousand dead at area 51 cocktail...
The bar goes dead quiet as he looks around...oh shit too soon?

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Of I had a dollar for every gender, I'd have 2 dollars and a few hundred counterfeits

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My sister bet a hundred dollars that I couldn't build a car from spaghetti.

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta

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If I had a dollar for every gender...

I’d have two dollars and a hundred counterfeits.

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What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks you're screwed.

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Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like t


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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."


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Got a tattoo of a one hundred dollar bill on my penis in honor of my wife

No one can blow a hundred bucks like she can

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How much does it cost to invent Bitcoin?

One Satoshi.

For those that don't get it, Satoshi Nakamoto is the name used by the unknown person or persons who developed bitcoin,

It's also the name for bitcoin's smallest unit recorded on the block chain. It is a one hundred millionth of a single bitcoin (0.00000001 BTC).

Lol

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A guy walks into a bar. There's a huge jar of cash behind the bartender...

Guy asks, "What's with the jar?"

Bartender says, "Well, all the regulars have a bit of a challenge going. First, you throw a hundred bucks in the jar to ante up. Then you have to down five bottles of tequila within' ten minutes. Then you have to go out the back door. Across the street to the left is a junkyard. There's the meanest, toughest, most vile jun


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A Student was late

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. 
Teacher: Thats nice. Were you helping him look for it ? 
Student: No. I was standing on it.

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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You shoulda seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

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Waiter: Would you like Thousand Island dressing on your salad?

Me: No thanks. I’ll have a Hundred Island. I’m on a diet.

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Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45 of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 310 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

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What's the difference between a millipede and a centipede?

A millipede has molested a thousand kids and a centipede has only molested a hundred.

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What did one hooker ask the other?

Can you loan me a hundred bucks til I get on my back again?

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A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.” “Yes, I am,” said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, “Is he your husband?” “Yes.”

“M


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My uncle was telling me about his oil well out in the desert.

He says it puts out three hundred barrels a day!
No oil, of course. Just the barrels.

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- Better bird in hand than hundred flying

- Please madam stop grabbing my dick.

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Three guys die and go to hell LONG

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, whiskeys, rum, vodka, wine, etc. "Very well," Satan says. "You&


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The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eldest person. He turns a 100 today. In your hundred years on Earth, wh


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Three men agree to a contest.

The one to spit the biggest loogie out onto a board gets 100 bucks.

The first guy steps up to the board and hacks up a loogie the size of a quarter.

The second guy was like walks up to the board and spits up a loogie the size of a half dollar.

The third guy walks up to the board, sucks up both loogies,spits it onto the board, then walks away with a hundred do


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Just heard this one at work. Clearly the boss is gone lol



A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"

He replies, "It's not for sale."

The woman says, "Please I want *that* one," again he says it's not for sale.

The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred dollars for it.&quo


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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta.

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Love is grand

Love is grand, divorce is a hundred grand.

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I told my wife if she cheated on me I would throw fourteen hundred soccer balls at her.

She told me I don't have the balls.

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Please come back

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the University's intercom:

"Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."


Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."


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If love is grand, what is divorce?

At least a hundred grand, maybe more...

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What's got a hundred teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper!

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Jimmy

one day little jimmy came home from his school and said he got a one hundred. jimmy dad asked him what he got the 100 in.

he said,"a 60 in science and a 40 in math."

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Handsome and rich and......

A man walks into a bar and everybody turns to look at him. He is the most handsome man any of them have ever seen. Even the men can't stop looking at him. On his shoulder is a little man not even a foot tall. He walks up to the bar and tells the bartender, I would like to buy a round for the house, gives the bartender a hundred dollar bill and says keep the change. The bartender pours drinks


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Why cant Miss Piggy count to one hundred?

Because every time she gets to sixty nine she gets a frog in her throat.

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Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.

“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”

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A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”

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Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills


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A man walked into a tattoo shop.

He asked the tattoo artist for a hundred dollar bill on his penis. The tattoo artist, curious about this request, asked the man why. The man replied,

“Three reasons. I like to play with my money, I want to see my money grow if you know what I mean, and it seems the only thing my wife would blow right now are hundred dollar bills.


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