Hostage

Jokes

My uncle used to be on a SWAT team, but they kicked him off for some reason.

I don't know why though, he got twenty assists in one hostage mission.

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Movie idea

There should be a hostage movie where instead of holding up a bank or skyscraper, the bad guy is a coworker who keeps asking questions at the end of a meeting.

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I Extracted A Hostage Too Soon

call that premature evacuation

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Cops said if you dont like cops then next time you're in trouble call a gangster. A guy cussed them out and said ok I will. Later he was a hostage and had just a minute to secretly call someone, so he dialed 911

When they remembered who he is they said I thought we told you to call a gangster.

Thats what I'm doing right now.

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A FRIEND WAS IN A HOSTAGE SITUATION

my friend was in a hostage situation.they had just planted the bomb
when the police saved him i asked him if he had a blast did not reply

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Did you hear about the hostage standoff with the campers?

It was in tents.

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Why aren't Superheroes ever married in movies?

Because if the hostage in the final battle scene is their wife, they're probably not going to save her.

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I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

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I was held hostage at a barber shop once.

It was a hairy situation.

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I took a hostage.

It is an ongoing situation.

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A bank robber robs a bank.

Before leaving, he turns to one ofe the hostages and asks:

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Yes." replies the hostage.

The robber then shoots the hostage and turns to another one.

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Uh, yes?" says the hostage.

The robber shoots him as well.


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There was a hostage situation earlier today

Until help arrived, I and some work colleagues had been held for three hours at power point.

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How do you rile up an electrician but calm down a hostage?

Blow a fuse.

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I was taken hostage the other day. My captors taped me up.

I got away scotch free!

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Did you hear about the gunman who's been holding 50 people hostage at Taco Bell for the past week?

He's in really deep shit now.

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"I don't know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you."




And that was how I lost my job as a hostage negotiator on the first day.

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My buddies and I were held hostage

We were told we would have to dive into a transforming tool that turns us all into a random object to save 4 other men who were also being held hostage...

We were turned into body wash...

We dove 4 men

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Your wife is our hostage. You have 12 hours to send us one million dollars or we'll kill her!

Upon reading this text message, the husband responds...

My wife is actually sleeping right next to me, safe and sound but please tell me more about this deal, I may be interested.

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TIL that bomb squad members also tend to be great hostage negotiators.

They are experts at defusing situations.

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What did the cherry picker say to his hostage?

Never gonna giiiive you up.
Never gonna let you dooown.

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Tips fedora at bad guy taking me hostage

“M’captor.”

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A girl and several of her siblings

A girl and several of her siblings are being held hostage for years by her parents. She has a secret YouTube channel where she sings songs. The channel has been up for months. She escapes. It makes the news.

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Tricky isn't it...

...when you go off to buy a toaster, and you get to the counter, and the guy there says:

"well, what about insurance?"

...you don't want to...

...but you end up taking a hostage.

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Donald Trump is being held hostage...

Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"

Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"

Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB guns, 18 Glocks, 15 magnums, 21 bobcats, and $12 million in b


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Why did Theon Greyjoy turn into Reek as Ramsay Bolton's hostage?

He was suffering from Stark home syndrome

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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide...

is it a hostage situation?

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Hostage Escape

A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.

Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells, "Tornado!" The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.

When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still stan


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3 men are taken hostage in the jungle...

The captors make the 3 men a deal if they could get 10 fruit and bring them back they could live so the men all run off the first man comes back with apples the captors reveal that to live that he has to fit all 10 of the fruit in his ass without making any faces so the first man goes and fits 2 apples in his ass before he starts to cry from the pain so he dies the second man comes with grapes so


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ISIS has a new site to discuss cheap hostage negotiations..

They call it "Infa-Deals"

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How 'Words' are created..

The early bird catches the worm. Holds it hostage. Stockholm Syndrome sets in. The worm and bird have babies.

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Guy robs a bank...

While holding all of the customers hostage, he asks one guy, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The customer says that he did and the robber shoots him in the head.

He then asks another customer, "did you see me rob this bank?" and the guy says, "no, but my wife did."

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Multiple personalities

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves is it considered a hostage situation?

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You know when you're held hostage and your captor suddenly turns their hand to stand-up comedy?

You have to laugh.

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Well if we're doing pirate jokes, here's one a classmate dropped on us: What's a pirate's favorite movie about the Iranian Hostage Crisis?

Arrrrrrrrrgo.

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A driver was stuck in Washington D.C. in the worst traffic jam he had ever seen...

Cars were stretched out for miles ahead of him. As he was sitting there, a young fellow approached his car and knocked on the window. "What's the holdup?", the driver asked. "Well," answered the young fellow, "It seems that a terrorist group is holding the entire U.S. Congress hostage up ahead a few miles. They claim they're going to douse the whole bunch of them


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What do you call.....

....an attractive young woman sitting in the same room as a Muslim?


A Hostage.

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