Horizon

Jokes

A guy goes to a sniper shop and asks for their best weapon. The vendor shows him a couple of weapons, but the buyer is always unhappy. The vendor get desperate and shows him an experiment sniper rifle that can zoom over the horizon. The buyer checks it out and can't believe his eyes.

The buyer asks the seller for a favor, to zoom over the horizon and look through that blue house's window and tell him what he sees. The seller says that he sees a guy and a women having sex. The buyer says that this is his wife. Now he asks the vendor to load 2 bullets into the sniper rifle. The first one is to blow that whore's head open and the seccond one is to shoot his penis off. <


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Moral support

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Victory against Heresy

Lord Commander Guilliman was addressing his Ultramarines, and declared that the victory against chaos is already on the horizon.

One ultramarine who comes from a hive world has never seen a horizon, so he asked his captain what that means. His captain replied, "Horizon is the line that you can see but can never reach"


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Your mother is so fat,

her gravitation is so high that the speed at the event horizon will be greater than the speed of light.

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Raises glass Cheers to our new YAKT!

Her: the 'c' is silent.

Me: *(stares off into the horizon)* You're right. It's very tranquil and quiet.

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How did Abe Lincoln clean up the Deepwater Horizon oil spill?

The Emulsification Proclamation.

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Upset that you missed the big black hole picture thing last week?

Don't worry - I am sure there is another event on the horizon

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I stopped seeing black hole jokes all of a sudden.

I guess we've passed the event horizon

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Did you miss the big black hole picture event yesterday?

Don't worry, there is another one on the horizon

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The amount of recorded data from the Event Horizon Telescope is so large that

The amount of recorded data from the Event Horizon Telescope that was used to create the first ever image of a black hole is so large that it's equivalent to 5000 years of MP3 files or the entire selfie collection of a girl taken in the bathroom in a day.

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If I see yet another picture of a black hole today...

I see myself getting sucked into some psychotic event, it's on my horizon.

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There is a picture of the black hole going to be posted soon

You maybe absorbed by the gravity of being able to see the picture or it maybe beyond your event horizon.

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I cant believe they made a movie about the Deepwater Horizon oil spill.

It’s just crude.

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Pirate Joke, its kinda long

So there's a pirate ship looking for a ship to destroy. The person in the crow's nest yells now to the captain "Arrrr there be ships on the horizon", The captain responds "How many Ships?",crow's nest guy answer's "One", The captain says to a young kid "get me my red coat" The young kid thinks "hey this is kinda cool getting the capt


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Yo mama so dense

she has an event horizon.

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Yo mama so fat

she has an event horizon.

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A Viking gazes at the horizon...

...his wife joins his side and asks him: “Rudolph the Red, what will the weather be like tomorrow?” The Viking says it will rain. “But there is no cloud in sight, are you sure?”

“Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

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A pirate walks into a bar.

The bartender notices that the pirate has an eye patch, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg. The bartender asks:

"What happened to you?"
The pirate says, "well where do i start?" Pointing down to his peg leg, he says "a while back, I was on top of me ship, scannin the horizon, when a rogue wave knocked me off me ship and a whale bit off me leg!"


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A pirate walks into a bar.

The bartender notices that the pirate has an eye patch, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg. The bartender asks:

"What happened to you?"
The pirate says, "well where do i start?" Pointing down to his peg leg, he says "a while back, I was on top of me ship, scannin the horizon, when a rogue wave knocked me off me ship and a whale bit off me leg!"


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An Arabic man is helplessly wandering through the desert when he comes across a Jewish tie salesman.

"Water! Water!" The Arabic man cries.

"I have no water, only ties. Would you like to purchase a tie?" Replies the Jewish tie salesman.

"No!" Exclaims the Arabic man, "I need water! Tell me where there's water!"

"I know where there is water. 20 miles east, there is a village with abundance of water there.&qu


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A married couple and their two kids were out sailing...

when the father looked and saw a terrible storm brewing on the horizon. The situation was a bit four boating.

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The Sun God Helios, feeling lazy, stuck his bare glowing buttocks over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

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I want to broaden my horizon

But none of the ladies would let me.

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Your mom is so fat...

she can see her own ass on the horizon.

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Me: I am just feeling so light Man. Feels like i can fly over the horizon and vanish in to the unknown.

Friend: You must be relieved that i got out of prison.
Me: Also that but i just took a massive Shit.

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How I know the World is NOT flat

You can see the curve in a plane's chem trail as it approaches the horizon.

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A captain is on a boat with his first mate.

The first mate says "Sir there's an enemy ship on the horizon!" and the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." They survive the battle and a while later the first mate says "Sir there's three enemy ships on the horizon!" and again the captain says, "bring me my red shirt so you cannot see me bleed." And again they survive


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Yo momma so fat

She got an event horizon.

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Why can't a soldier look wistfully across the horizon?

Because there are no gaze in the military

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On board a pirate ship, the man up in the crows nest suddenly exclaims "One enemy ship on the horizon!"

[deleted]

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Damn girl, are you a planet?

Because you're so dense you have an event horizon.

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Yo momma so massive, she got her own event horizon!

Additional:
Here is a picture of her: [PIC](http://i.imgur.com/GhcXrbv.jpg)

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I saw a girl in the distance,

she had horizon me

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Bring Me the Horizon gets thrown into the ocean...

Do they sink or swim? Or simply disappear?

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A man walks across a desert, dragging his camel behind him.

Suddenly, he sees a highway and a construction site and asks the workers:

– Hey, folks, my camel is barely walking and there's a long way to the nearest city, what do I do?

– Take camel. -says one of the workers. - Make camel go stand on road.

The man drags his camel onto the highway, one of the workers comes from behind with a brick and hi


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What did one astronomer say to another astronomer about his obsessed girlfriend

Man, she is already inside my event horizon.

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Yo momma so fat

her black hole has an event horizon

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An admiral and his fleet are out at sea during war

An admiral at the head of his fleet is scanning the horizon for the enemy ships he's looking to destroy. Seeing them crest the horizon, he tells his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt."

"Why, Sir?"

"If I am wounded in the fight, and the men see me bleeding, they may lose heart. If I wear my red shirt into battle, that cannot happen. Now, brin


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Two cowboys looking at the desert horizon and a bunch of indians appear coming towards them...

-Are they enemies or friends?

-They are obviosly friends, they are coming altogether.

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A man's car breaks down in the desert on a highway.

After several hours of sitting in searing heat he gives up and desperately begins walking leaving his car, his most precious possession.

Several hours pass. He's burnt, tired and most of all, thirsty. His throat aches for a cold drink. On the distant horizon he spies a car nearing, kicking up dust as it heads towards him.

He waves the car down and cries "Thank


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Brave Captain Smith

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue. Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast. The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The call was taken up at


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A pirate captain stands on the bow of his ship...

and he sees an enemy ship on the horizon. He calls to his first mate "Bring me my red shirt." A tremendous battle ensues in which the pirate captain is victorious. His curious first mate asks him "Captain, why did you wear your red shirt into battle?" To which the captain responds "Because that way if I were wounded the blood would not be noticeable and the men would fight


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A redneck is on a sea cruise for the first time

The Captain receives a call saying there is a bomb on the cruise that will explode in 3 minutes. Running out of time, the captain gathers everyone on the deck and suggests a game. I'm going to count to three and then you all shout boom. Being good at calculations, the captain counts: 1, 2 and on 3 the cruise explodes.
Struggling for his life, and barely managing to hold into a piece of


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Yo momma

Is so fat, that she has her own event horizon!

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There was a pirate ship...

And the man in the crow's nest looked through his scope and yelled down to the captain "ONE ship on the horizon!". The captain then said "Get me my red shirt, for if I am wounded in battle, my crew will not see me bleeding and they will fight on". The man in the crow's nest looked again yelled down to the captain "TEN ships on the horizon!!!" The captain the


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The Fearsome Pirate

The most fearsome pirate captain on the seven seas is sailing through the Bermuda Triangle when suddenly his first mate comes up next to him and says "Sir, one of the King's ships has been sighted over the horizon. They're armed and we should be ready for battle."

The captain turns around and replies "Aye, thank you matey. Ready the cannons and bring me my red


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