Hook

Jokes

A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.


"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"


"A shark bit off me leg."


"And the hook?"


"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."


The bartender gasps, fascinated by the


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How come Hermione didnt want to hook up with Ron?

Because he was drunk off Polyjuice potion and it was hairy.

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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

The second hand store.

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Why does pussy have hair around it?

To hide the hook.

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A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuckling accident!

-Wow! Well what about the eye patch?


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You know that boxing move that can kill 20 students and 6 teachers?

It's called a sandy hook.

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I went fishing last weekend and almost caught a huge catfish, but somehow it slipped the hook before I got it on the boat

I'm still reeling from the loss.

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I met a Pirate with a peg leg, hook hand and eye patch

I asked how he lost his leg?

He replied: Arrrg I fought off a shark but he got me good leg

I then asked him how he lost his hand?

He replied: Me Captain cut it off for not sharing the plunder with me mates

I then asked well how did you lose your eye?

He replied: A bird shit in me eye

I said that sounds bad but I hardly t


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Where did captain hook by his hook?

At the second hand store

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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At the second hand store!

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Pirate walks into the bar...

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!!"

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit


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How did Captain Hook die?

He got confused and wiped with the wrong hand

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Why was captain hook arrested?

Panslaughter

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I asked my family

What does Rick Astley say to his family when they ask for money?

"Never gonna hook you up!"

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What do you call a 7th grader with no friends?

Sandy Hook survivor.

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I feel sad that Captain Hook never made it to Admiral

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I cant get no respect, no respect...

I went fishing, all I got on my hook was a note from the fish

It said: Nice Try

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A man sits down at a bar next to a pirate and starts asking him about his past injuries.

The first thing the man notices is the pirate’s peg leg. “How did you get that wooden leg,” he asks.

The pirate responds, “Oh, a cannonball took my leg off in a fight with a naval frigate.”

“Wow!” the man replies. “So how did you get that hook?” pointing to the pirate’s arm.

The pirate replies, &ldqu


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What caused the death of Captain Hook?

He accidentally use the wrong hand wiping his ass

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Me catfishing

Me: I'm going catfishing

friend: no

Me: I want pussy

friend:don't play with people

Me: \*putting catnip on a hook\* what

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I went to see dr hook in the 70s

Worst prostate exam ever

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A guy is walking down the street...(long)

So a guy is walking down the street and he sees a fricking pirate. This guys the real deal. He has a hook for a hand, a wooden leg, and even has a patch over his eye.

So the guy asks him “hey pirate, what happened to your leg?”

The pirate replies: Yar, a shark bit off me leg in the ocean!

The man says dang that must of been terrible... what hap


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A young student looking for a job goes to a big everything under one roof department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers boug


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Summers goes to his 20th High school reunion...

He sees and old friend of his. The guy is wearing a 3 cornered hat, he's got a peg leg, a hook on his right hand, and a black patch over his left eye.

Summers says, "Robey, this is a reunion, not a costume party. What's up?"

Robey says, " Well I always said I wanted to be a pirate, and now I am."

Summers says, " What happene


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What do you call a fifth grader with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

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My mom said she'd beat me if I ever went back to hook-up with my ex.

Out of spite, I went back to hook-up with my ex anyway, but alas -- she really had beaten me to it.

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I went fishing yesterday

It was off the hook

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A man was caught speeding late at night.

He got pulled over and the guard sighed heavily. He said, "I'm about to clock off, and don't fancy doing any more paperwork,so I'll tell you what. If you can give me an excuse that I've never heard before, then you're off the hook." The man thought hard, and eventually said, "Well you see, Officer, last week my wife ran off with a guard, and I was terrified


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An old man spent most of his days sitting on a keg at the old pirate port in Trinidad, whiling away his time, chatting with the old salts who came and went.

One day the typical storybook pirate with a peg leg, a hook attached to his arm, and a black patch over one eye, came strolling up to the old man and they started a conversation.

"Say, looks like you’ve been in a scrape or two," the old man said. "How did you get that wooden leg of yours?"

"Happened a long time ago. We was hauling some booty


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A sailor meets a pirate in a bar

The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about y


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You guys watched the movie meg? (Spoilers)

Theres this scene where these floating platforms hook into the shark while its swimming across a busy Asian coast, and I commented

"Chinese takeaway"

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What kind of punch is strong enough to kill 20 kids and 6 adults at once?

A Sandy Hook

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Trying to hook my friend up with a girl I know.

Not sure if this belongs here. But I tried to hook my friend up with a girl I knew from back home we are in the military so I figured he didnt have the pressure of meeting here he could get to know her then arrange a trip so I am on face time with her you know saying he is the best thing since slice bread. He said let me talk to her and break the awkwardness when you first meet. He says and I quot


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How did captain Hook die?

He wiped with the wrong hand.

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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at?

The second hand store.

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Why did Captain Hook cross the street?

To goto the second hand store.

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How did captain hook die?

He used the wrong hand when whipping his ass.

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A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship



A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes, and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.

Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg, an eyepatch, a hook for a hand, a parrot on his shoulder, a long beard, a go


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A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem

The doctor asks "How often?" and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour.

The doctor goes to his back office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, "What are going to do with that Doc?"

The doctor replies, "I'm going to open some windows."

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Doctor, Doctor

A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. The doctor asks "How often?" and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour.


The doctor goes to his back office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, "What are going to do with that Doc?"


The doctor replies, "I'm going to open some windows."


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Where did Captain Hook get his hook?

The second hand store.

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Pirates have always seemed good about employing people with physical disabilities.

Hook hands and peg legs are iconic for them. And they seem to frequently be in the middle to high levels of management.

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What do you call a five-year old with no friends?

A sandy hook survivor.

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A young student looking for a job goes to a big everything under one roof department store.

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The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came d


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A young student looking for a job goes to a big everything under one roof department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many


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I have perfected a punch so powerful, it has the energy to kill 20 kids and 7 adults.

I call it, the Sandy Hook.

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The Salesman

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomo


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John Silver was enjoying his rum in a bar when..,

...a seaman walks up to him and starts chatting him up.

The seaman notes that Long John Silver has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

Long John Silver replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me


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How do you hook up four lesbian nazi's?

With a twatstika.

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Where did Captain Hook get his hook when he lost his hand?

The second hand store....

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