Hold

Jokes

Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon

and the man suggests: "Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?"

Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."


“What? Why?”

"It’s all over the Bible, dearest."

"The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!"

The wife grabs


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What did Zeus say to Atlas?

Hold up.

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3 bears were on plane...

3 bears were on a plane, mummy bear, daddy bear and baby bear.

Suddenly the plane engine stopped so the bears had to jump, unfortunately there were only 2 parachutes which were one person max as they'd have to hold on to the straps.

All 3 bears survived and the next day, there it was on the news "How did baby bear survive?" Baby bear arrived on the show and


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After UK's Parliament declared that "LoOt bOxEs aRe sUpRisE mEcHaniCs nOt tEChnIcAlLY GAmblInG"

EA: Dude I cant believe we got away with loot boxes not being called gambling

NBA 2k20: Hold my beer

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UK's Parliament after declaring that "LoOt bOxEs aRe sUpRisE mEcHaniCs nOt GAmblInG"

EA: Cant believe we got away with loot boxes not being called gambling
2K: Hold my beer

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I told my husband I was going to weight training tomorrow...

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Did you hear about the lesbian with no arms?

Couldn't hold her licker.

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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight


He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold


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Rodeo sex!

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in h


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What did the girl octopus say to the boy octopus?

I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand.

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What a wonderful bird, the Pelican.

His mouth can hold more than his belican.

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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two....one to turn the bulb and the other to hold the penis...LADDER!!!...I said ladder..

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Jeff Bezos at a meeting:

"We might have to hold up on the release of the new Amazon Fire."

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A businessman enters a train in Manchester. The strange man had 3 watches in one hand , and 2 others in the other one.

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A couple finds a skunk on the side of the road in a storm

The woman says "That poor thing, we should stop and rescue it"
The man pulls over and the woman hops out and picks up the skunk then jumps back in the car
"What should I do with it?" she asked
"Put it between your legs to keep him warm" the man said
"But what about the smell?" she asked
He responded, "Just hold its little n


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How does a French woman hold her liquor?

By the ears of course!

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2 men are out on a golf course and the first man is about to tee off.

He lines up his shot, starts his backswing, but just before he he swings a funeral procession drives by on the road beside them. He immediately stops and kneels, and closes his eyes in a display of solemn respect until the procession goes by. Then he gets up and starts to tee off again. But the other man says, "Whoa, hold up, that has got to be the most touching thing I've ever seen! You


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My friend asked me if I could name two different structures that hold water.

I said, "Well, dam..."

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Why do Spanish speakers love to hold parties at Mikasa Ackerman's house?

Mikasa es su casa.

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"If anyone has any objections as to why these two urologists should marry,...

leak now or forever hold your pee"

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Recovering Alcoholic: My addiction controlled my life. I'm in charge now. Nobody can bring me down.

Enabler: Hold my beer.

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Cannibals hold a grudge.

I was invited to attend a cannibal banquet, but showed up late. Apparently they were pissed because all I got was the cold shoulder.

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Did you hear about the man with a rooster, a hen and a donkey?

He asked a guy on the street, "Hey, can you hold my cock and pullet, while I scratch my ass?"

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A man comes into a hotelbar....

...and says:
"Oh god, i am so horny. Are there any hookers here?"
"No" answers the host, "there is only John. And it costs 80 bucks"
"80$? And there is only John? Well, i am so horny, I don't mind giving John 80$ for it"
"No, sir. 40$ will go to the mayor. It is his town and he doesn't like that stuff"


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How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

4. 1 to hold the lightbulb and 3 to smoke until the room starts spinning.

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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

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A husband and wife love to golf together but were not satisfied with their game. So they decided to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees him swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!".
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast". The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the b


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What do you have if there's a lion in your bathroom?

To hold it in.

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One day a woman

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My 5 year old son kept peeing on the toilet seat because he wouldn't hold his penis

I told him he had to start holding it and his response was "I can't hold it because it's too big"

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Like how when people in France use their thumb when starting to count on their hand, us Americas start on our third finger.

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I get really embaressed when my wife asks me to hold her handbag...

I look like an idiot holding two.

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LGBT activist Jessica Yaniv was arrested in BC for brandishing a stun gun

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Evertime I rent a place to someone I test them to see if they are exceptional people. If they are not I get some velcro suits to hold us together.

As a landlord I like to adhere to the basic tenants.

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A man with a lisp walks into a store and says...

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How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

2. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold my cock..mother...Ladder.

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A dad joke and a banana

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So WWIII starts between NATO and Russia

It goes very well for the Russians. Within the first year, they take over most of Europe. They're nearing Paris, and the west is getting desperate. They go through random people in the population and see if they can make good generals or not. They've lost so many, that even the best they can find can't even hold off the Russians with an army half the size of theirs.

Th


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Boomers: Millennials have killed everything we love!

Gen-X white supremacists: Hold my beer

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How many incels does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn’t matter. They’ll hold the door open for the lightbulb, then get pissy because it won’t screw.

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I like to catch flies and hold them up over a globe of the earth.

They always freak out because they are way to high.
"Steven Wright" I think.

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Two kids are talking at lunch

Kid 1: Hey, you wanna see a magic trick?

Kid 2: Sure.

Kid 1: You can’t hum while holding your nose.

Kid 2: That’s not a magic trick.

Kid 1: You sure? Because I just made hundreds of people hold their noses for no reason.

Kid 2: Our parents were bad at giving us names

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Somebody once told me

Hold my macaroni
Jewish person named jeff found dead
He was holding up his thumb with a finger up his bum and a rabbit named toucan

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Why do priests love to go fishing with kids?

So they have someone to hold their rod.

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The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.

Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?

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How does the quadriplegic man type on his keyboard?

He hold his hands above his head.

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How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two. One to hold the giraffe and another one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored power tools.

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A man and woman statue magically cone to life...

In the park there is a statue of a man and woman, both nude. One day they are granted the ability to come to life, but for only 15 minutes.

They both look at each other and smile then run behind the bushes.

Almost immediately there is giggling and the bush is shaking like crazy.

Then the man statue yells out: ok now you hold the pigeon down while I shit on it


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A man is stranded on a small island. Few days have passed and while waiting for rescue, he starts to miss his wife and yearns for sex.

One day he happens to find a female boar on the island. He can no longer resist his temptation so he plans to let it all out on the boar. However, whenever he tries to make love to the boar, it starts fighting back and runs away. Days gone by and the man tries the same thing again and again but keeps on failing. No matter what he tries he cannot hold down the boar. As he is about to give up, a mir


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Need a ship that can hold two of every animal?

I Noah guy..

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