I was playing golf paired with a chimney sweep the other day. I said to him "Whats your handicap?"
He replied "Central Heating"
I got a lump of coal last Christmas...
Jokes on you Santa! I’m too poor to afford heating!
All my friends were arguing about who has the best heating in their house
In the end, it's all just hot air
A man says to his wife 'Grab your jacket I'm going to the pub'
She asks 'Oh, are you taking me with you?'
'No, I'm turning the heating off'
If anyone wants to come and talk about why my heating bills are sky high
\- the door is always open
My landlord wanted to talk to me about my high heating bill...
I said, "come on by, my door is always open."
(thanks to u/porichoygupto)
You know what makes my blood boil?
Heating it to about 212 degrees
Why do hipsters sweat so much?
They turn on the heating before it is cool.
Black jokes humor
A man comes home from a hard day of work only find his wife laying infront of the fire place with her legs wide open. He asked, "Honey what are you doing?" She replied, "Im heating up your dinner."
What did the left poossy lip say to the right poossy lip? "We used to be really tight until you let that dick
My girlfriend asked me why I was blow-drying my crotch...
Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the response she was looking for.
My wife caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked me what I was doing?
Apparently ‘heating your dinner’ wasn't the right answer.
Pakistan has shot down 2 Indian Jet fighters.
Using sophisticated Sikh - Heating missiles.
Researchers from the University of Minnesota just discovered a material that superconducts at room temperature.
Seems the heating went out last night.
Working in a mattress warehouse with a married woman.
I’m helping my brothers company assisting in his warehouse. He has his friends wife running the place. So we’re alone.
A little sweaty but it’s about 20 degrees outside and we have had the dock door open all afternoon. So I’m sweaty but cold. She’s gone down to yoga pants and a tank top and tells me how cold she is.
This is where it starts heating up.
So just as the election was heating up, Bannon and Trump were talking
Bannon warned Trump “You can take the White House, but we will have to cheat a lot, and you won’t be legitimate. It will be a hollow victory.”
And Trump replies “I want my empty V”
I showed my date where I live.
I proudly said, "As you can see it's open-plan, with views of everywhere around. Terrific ventilation, heating, and a glorious stereo system if that interests you."
And all the judgemental bitch had to say was: "I don't know anyone else that lives in their car..."
I built a vodka still that uses a magnetic fieldelectric coil combo as a heating element...
... and those mathematicians said I don't understand proof by induction.
When does an increase in degrees not lead to warmer temperatures?
When you get your Masters in Art History, but you still can't pay the heating bill
NSFW A husband and his wife decided to live their lives having sex as much as they could.
Breakfast ? they had sex ! Lunch ? Sex ! Middle of the night snack ? Sex again!
One day the husband comes home from work and find his wife sliding the stair handrail with her legs wide open.
She would go upstairs and slide it down multiple times.
The husband perplexed asks: " What are you doing ?"
And the wife responds: "heating up dinner"
What does Colin Kaepernick and a heating pad have in common?
Both of them can warm a bench.
My girl walked in on me while I was blow drying my dick and asked "wtf are you doing?"
Apparently, "heating your dinner" wasnt the right answer.
My wife at Mcdonalds
Wife: I’ll have 10 nuggets and an ice coffee. You? What will you have for dinner?
Me: (turns on the heated passenger seat) I’m heating up. It’ll be done by the time we get home.
NSFW Chigappa! Chigappa! Hoo! Hoo!
Two friends get lost in the middle of a gaint rainforest, only to be found by a Barbarian Tribe.
The leader of the tribe asks them "You have tresspassed on our terrority and will face our wrath. I give you a choice, would you rather have Chigappa or die ?"
The first of the two thinking he would rather not die opts for Chigappa.
"Very well. Then Chigappa you sha
Why did the hipster sweat so much?
He turned on the heating before it was cool.
The ancient Romans would be saddened to know how many of their advances we'd forgotten. Aquaducts, fast food, underfloor heating...
But hey, it's all water over the bridge.
My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.
Apparently “Heating your dinner” was not the right answer.
Two guys were trapped under ice
As they were freezing, this dialogue happens;
-We're losing body heat through our external parts.
-What can we do?
-Put our dicks in each other to preserve heat.
-Let's try it then.
-You go first.
So the second guy puts his dick up the first guys ass and heats up for a time. Then his turns end and the first guy puts his dick in him. After some s
My wife walked in on me...
Blow drying my dick and balls in the shower.
What are you doing? She asked.
Apparently "heating up your dinner" was not an appropriate response.
Theres a political scandal heating up
I hear they're calling it twatergate
Darling get your coat
I am going to the pub... But darling, I never get to go to the pub with you!... I know, and you're not, I have turned the central heating off.
How did the Kremlin staff found Brezhnev in the morning?
They found him Lenin' on the bed with heating on Marx.
The other day, while I was in the car with my girlfriend, I reached down and turned on her butt warmer.
She asked me, “What are you doing?”
I said, “Just heating up dinner.”
My dad said something earlier that gave me chills.
He said, "I'm turning off the heating."
My girlfriend caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing..
Apparently "Heating your dinner" was the wrong answer
Scientists found out that heating something to 200 degrees kills every pathogen on you
A day in the office
I work in this office and there are some strange charecters here, for example we have this penny pinching boss who is so strict he keeps a password on the thermostat, locked at 55 degrees. Luckily, we are on good terms so I am the only person who knows the password, 0451 if you want to know. Sometimes he changes it like for the New Years he sets it as the year, or Christmas time when he changes it
- Who's there?
- Juan who?
- I guess it takes Juan to know Juan.
Bad I know, but I thought of it while heating my coffee and felt obliged to share it.
A neighbor comes to Abram, who is standing near a battery (radiator), put his penis on top of it and reads school-book in physics. The neighbor asked him:
- Abram, what are you doing?
- Well, here is written that by heating the *body* expands and by cooling - narrows.
- And where is Sara?
- And Sarah in the fridge ...
My girlfriend caught me blow-drying my dick
And apparently "heating up her meal" is the wrong answer.
My wife just walked in on me blow drying my ...
My wife just walked in on me blow drying my penis, she looked confused and asked me what I was doing. I now know heating your dinner isn't the right answer
Why weren't the baked beans heating up?
They were just chilling
I am going out for a beer with my friends tonight, dear, put on some clothes.
Do you want me to go with you?
No, I'm switching off the heating.
We were going to install Underfloor heating...
But we got cold feet.
Skirts on people can create cooling effect by flapping when in close range.
They also can create heating effect by fapping.
My landlord wanted to come talk to me about the high heating bill
I told him, "My door is always open".
A man was blow drying his penis when his girlfriend entered the room...
She asks: "What are you doing?"
Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the right answer.
After Thanksgiving a woman continually finds her husband rummaging through the fridge...
... ravenously devouring leftovers from their Thanksgiving feast. It gets to the point where she begins to get worried and asks, "Honey can you stop eating like that? You aren't even heating your food!" To which the husband replies, "Everyone knows it is futile to try and quit cold turkey!"
So a husband and wife wake up one morning and the husband is the first to go to the bathroom. The wife patiently waits her turn until she hears her hair dryer is on. Confused and curious she opens the bathroom door to find her husband blow drying his junk. Naturally, she asks him what he is doing to which he responds, "Heating up your breakfast."
Tension between Katy Perry and Taylor Swift is heating up...
...and Obama is ordering air strikes on Syria, like that's gonna help. What an idiot.
So my girlfriend caught me...
My girlfriend caught me blow-drying my penis. She asked, "what the hell are you doing?!"
Apparently "heating up your dinner" wasn't the right answer.