Harsh

Jokes

I'm sure my allotment is conspiring against me. Each time that I trim it it grows back twice as harsh..

The plot thickens.

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There was once the case of a licensed physician who was known for his harsh attitude on the job but he became markedly softer off of it.

It was also known as the curious case of Dr. Heckle and Mr. Chide.

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The gender stereotype for men is really harsh

We are expected to be swift as a coursing river

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A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

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People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.

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My parents always said I cant tell you how much I love you.

I understood why, it would probably be too harsh for me to hear.

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I tossed my wife into a well, but then I thought this was too harsh and threw her smartphone after her.

So she can now enjoy digital well-being

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Happy Father's Day with a Mitch Hedberg joke

I wrote a letter to my dad.

I was gonna write: 'I really enjoy being here',

but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'.

I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out,

so I wrote: 'I rarely drive steamboats, dad.

There's a lot of shit you don't know about me.


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History has been harsh on Hitler, but you've gotta give it to him ...

... he did kill Hitler.

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My girlfriend got upset when I said she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently it's harsh to say to a cancer patient.

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When I was young, I remember my mom constantly reminding everyone at dinner that she didnt have a favourite child.

Harsh, given that I’m her only kid.

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I disowned my son after finding him fucking his sister

My wife says I was too harsh, but I'd told him several times to wait till I got back so I could join in

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Who would win, 200 French soldiers or 2 Prussian soldiers?

Well if the French would stop running away, maybe we’d know!

(Please don’t be harsh it’s my first post, spare me)

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Dad was always known for being harsh

- Dad, my watch fell from my wrist and stopped!
- What? Did you expect it to walk or something?

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Yknow, people are way to harsh on Hitler

I mean he did kill the guy who started the Holocaust.

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I wrote a letter to my dad (by Mitch Hedberg)

I wrote a letter to my dad.
I was gonna write: "I really enjoy being here",
but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'.

​

I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out,
so I wrote: "I rarely drive steamboats, dad.
There's a lot of shit you don't know about me.


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My company impose a harsh penalty, if you dont lock Windows when you go on a break

I call it “the Clapton”.

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George Bush couldn't have done 911.

The chemtrails from the plane would have been too harsh on his lizard skin.

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Some people think the romans were too harsh in their punishment of jesus

but I think they really nailed it.

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People need to stop being so harsh about Prince Philip's recent accident.

I mean seriously, he hasn't been involved in a car crash since 97?

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Three friends walked into a jungle..

Upon reaching, the trio found a bear nearby and challenged each other.

"Fuck that bear and come back, then describe your experience in word!" said the first guy.

Other two agrees.

The first one goes, comes back and says "Sweet!"

The second one one goes, comes back and says "Great!"

The third one goes, bu


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What did the blonde haired say when they were being too harsh?

Next time I’ll smarten up enough to dye my hair and act gentel!!!! 😫😰😨😭😱

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What's the good thing about harsh memes mocking Stevie Wonders ability to see?

He can't see them.

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My girlfriend made me food.

She said "If you don't like it, you can tell me, your most sincere critic, no matter how harsh it is!" then I replied "The food is excellent, also you are fat, ugly and stupid."

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I've just been to visit my friend's new baby...

She asked me if I wanted to wind him.

But I thought that was a bit harsh, so I gave him a dead leg instead!

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I think my opponet is hacking

Im in an archery league and my opponent hit 2 bullseyes i think they have aimbot


(P.s please don't be to harsh)

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My girlfriend just asked me if I could wind the baby because he was messing about during a feed.

I thought it was a bit harsh, so I just gave him a dead leg instead.

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"Religion is a fairy tale," one man said.

"That's harsh," I replied. "Fairy tales aren't a cause of war."

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I sneezed a lot today and not a single sperson said bless you

This jury is harsh. I'm not looking forward to their verdict

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3 months after having a fight with my ex-girlfriend, I realized I was too harsh on her

So I apologized and unburied her

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Why did the professor have such a harsh grading criterion?

Cauchy taught math!

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I offered to give my daughter a lift to school.


"Come on," said my wife, "she's big enough to take the bus by herself."

I said, "That's harsh. She's not *that* overweight."

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A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.

The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"

To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't


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Why are clowns good with money?

Because they're pennywise

Don't be harsh I just came up with that

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Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids."

Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"

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I need a joke relating to Texas

It’s for a corporate PPT, given by CA folks to a TX firm. It can’t be insulting/mean... One idea was maybe something that riffed off what the state’s stereotypes of each other were (since they’re so different), but the jokes online I’ve seen are too harsh for a corporate-client audience. Any ideas of something random-funny to say??? :)


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Ive developed a new medicine to help people sleep at night. It works better than normal off the shelf brands. Small pills taken with a liquid and theres no harsh taste or smell.

I’m calling them “Pill Cosbys”.

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They classified a guy I work with morbidly obese which seems a little harsh...

I mean, he has enough on his plate already.

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The other day my friend said that, "its harsh to have Uber drivers drive in heavy rain for you"...

I said, "He's doing it on his own Accord."

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We shouldn't be so harsh on lawyers.

99% of them are giving all the others a bad name.

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What is thin, brown and can't stand long under the harsh African sun?

[deleted]

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What's thin, brown and can't last long under the harsh African sun?

[deleted]

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What do you call a sheep with no parents who is a harsh critic?

A lamb-bastard.

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What's brown, thin, and can't last long under the harsh African sun?

[deleted]

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Mate and his wife had a baby 2 months back

I went round to his house to see how they were all getting on. My mates wife was feeding the little one and knowing i have young children of my own asked if "I would to wind the baby after it had been fed", I thought it was too harsh so I just gave it a deadleg instead.

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If an indian made a harsh joke....

And u called him savage,
Would he get offended?

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Why did Tony the Tiger get such a harsh sentence for murdering Toucan Sam?

He was a cereal killer.

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How did the linguistics professor punish the late student?

He gave him a harsh sentence.

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Curious about sex...

A woman brings 8 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her 8 year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"


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So the woman sitting next to me on a plane with an infant in her lap looks over to me and asks, "do you mind if I breast feed?"

And I respond, "no thanks I already ate." Too harsh of a dad joke?

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