Handful

Jokes

How do Chinese people choose a name for their kids?

Drop a handful of silverware down the stairs and choose the first three sounds.

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A couple go to the new farmers' market just outside of town

They walk past the various stands selling fresh produce, looking for things to take back home. They see gigantic, ripe watermelons on one table. Another holds plump, vibrant tomatoes. A dazzling array of berries fills baskets on another.

Finally, they see a table at the end of the market, where an old farmer is relaxing on an old rocking chair behind an assortment of unassuming fruit


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During sex with a transvestite, I was close to climax.

She screamed, 'Pull on my hair will you, I'd love it when men pull on my hair.'

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So I did. I got a big handful and I gave it a nice firm tug.


'What the fuck!' she wailed. 'No, not the stuff between my cheeks.'

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What do you get when you catch a fake ghost?

A handful of sheet.

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Dad given advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just"

"reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."





Son "Where do you get the shit from?"





"Trust me, it'll be there."

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How many bones are in a human hand?

a handful

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How many bones are there in a hand?

About a handful

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My friend asked me if I knew sign language...

I said I knew a handful of words.

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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We


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How many times does it take for someone to enjoy fisting?

A handful.

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An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn't wearing his watch.



A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree. The American approaches the Mexican and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what time is?" The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, "4:30." The American asks, "How do you know that?" The Mexican replies, "Well you get a handful of the donkeys balls and lift them up so y


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My friend told me there has only been a handful of accidents with self-driving cars.

I thought there were Waymo.

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How many bones do you have in your hand?

At least a handful.

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How does a sailor keep his Captain happy?

With a handful of seaman.

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A man walks into his house...

A man walks into his house with a handful of dog turds, and he says to his wife, "Look what I almost stepped in!"

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I went to the supermarket the other day and traded 100 raisins for a handful of grapes. Cant believe the currant exchange rates

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This joke is a handful

If a man with a prosthetic hands fingers his girl, is it still fingering? Or Injection Molding? I'll see myself out

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I wonder how many bones are in a hand

There is probably a handful

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How many bones are in a human hand?

A handful.

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I've been busy since No Nut November ended

It's been a real handful but I get the job done.

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I remember when I was a kid, I used to be able to walk into the gas station with 1 dollar and walk out with a handful of chocolate bars.

Nowadays, they have cameras everywhere

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How many bones are in your hands?

About a handful!

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What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump?

There are still a handful of people who like Donald Trump.

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How many bones do you have in your hand?

About a handful.

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Did you hear about the guy that tried to grab a handful of fog?

He mist.

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How many bones are in your hand?

A handful

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I splurged and bought a mop.

I had to, to clean up the splurge.



Credit to @ActualLiam on Twitter. Only a handful of followers but he's consistently great.

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How to catch a polar bear

Get a pick axe & cut a hole in the ice. Then get a handful of yellow peas & arrange them in a ring around the hole. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

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NSFW Playing with yourself isn't easy

At the minimum, its a handful

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I was just minding my business at lunch when a police officer came and took a handful of my Chinese food...

it was a blatant violation of my rice.

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When it comes to massage parlors

Some customers are a handful.

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TIL the player character in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is American

because he claims to be of dragon-kin but can only speak a handful of words in the dragon tongue.

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A tourist with bad English

A tourist with bad English goes to a pottery and sees the workers at the workshop crafting different things.

The manager notices the tourist and says "Do you like it?"

The tourist looking pleased said "Yes all is beautiful." Then reaching in his pocket he brought a handful of money and said "How much money for giving me a hand job?"


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Never Grab a Ghost From Behind

You'll get a handful of sheet

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I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

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Two guys are drinking in a bar and one says, "Man, I've really had it with my brother in law."

The 2nd guy asks what happened, and the 1st guy tells him, "He had to go to jail last night and he went nuts. He fought, kicked, screamed, and flung a handful of feces on the wall." The 2nd guy says, "Man he really sounds like a piece of work." The 1st guy says, "Yeah, that's the last time we invite him over to play Monopoly."


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Walks into a barlongA man walks into an empty bar...

And orders a beer. He sees a bowl of peanuts in front of him, looks around, and there's one else but him and the bar keep. He decides to eat a handful. He hears soft whisper in his ear 'you have nice hair'. Quickly he turns around only to find no one there. Startled at first, shakes it off and orders another beer. Then he eats another handful of peanuts. Same barely audible whisper


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I'm developing some flash cards to improve communication and understanding with my dog

Not much to speak of yet, I just have a handful of ruff sketches.

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Heres the thing about penises

They really are a handful

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Jesus walks into a hotel...

Walks up to the registration desk. Lays down a handful of nails and says ' can you put me up for the weekend?'

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Jesus walks into an inn...

He places a handful of nails on the counter and asks to be put up for the night.

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A tour bus driver and old people joke.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he greatfully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand


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IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad has died at 91. His funeral procession will be a winding path that takes about 2 hours with a pause in the middle for refreshments.

We also seem to have an extra casket handle and a handful of screws.

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NSFW You're the father of one of my kids

Roberto is waiting on line for a coffee when a stunning woman flashes him a dazzling smile and beckons for him to come over. Hardly believing his luck that such a bombshell would show interest, he tries to play it cool as he strolls across the coffee shop to her table.

"Hi, I couldn't help but notice you were smiling at me. Do we know each other?"

"Act


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A man walks into a bar with a monkey...

Everyone in the bar goes wild, "Hey look at that monkey!"

Immediately, the monkey jumps up onto the bar.

He grabs a handful of peanuts and eats them. Then he grabs a handful of pistachios and eats them. Then he jumps onto the billiards table, sticks the white pool ball in his mouth and swallows it whole.

 

The bar c


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A man wins a safari trip...

Having never done anything like this before in his life, he goes to visit a big-game hunter for some pointers.

"Oh, nothing to it, old boy," the grizzled hunter chuckled. He removed a double-barreled elephant gun from its stand and handed it to the man. "If a lion charges, just plant your feet, take a deep breath, aim, and fire."

"But what if I


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Jesus Christ walks into a motel and drops a handful of nails on the counter. He asks

Can you put me up for the night ?

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Scientists vs God

One day the Worlds greatest scientists go to God

"God, we no longer need you, we have evolved to a point were we can create life even better then you."

"Oh, really?" God replied "A challenge then! Who ever can create the perfect being in one day from dust wins!"

"Fair enough" Replied the scientists, reaching down and gr


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Why was the postman traumatized?

Because he was given the following threat:

You are not wise enough to fear me as I should be feared.

Upon him I will visit Famine and fire, till around him desolation rings and all the demons in the outer dark look on amazed and recognize that vengeance is the business of man.

I will flay the skin from your flesh, the flesh from your bones, and scrape your bo


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An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts

An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts…so the driver happily munches them. Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts..

Driver: Why don’t you eat them yourself?

Old lady: I can’t chew. Look, I have no teeth..

Driver: Then why do you buy them?

Old lady: Oh, I just love the chocolates around
them!


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