Half

Jokes

How do you cut the ocean in half?

By using a seesaw.

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Doctor

According to mythology, Chiron was half horse, half-human, as well as a doctor.
He was the original Centaur for Disease Control

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer.

The barman says "You're all idiots" and pours two beers.

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Infinite mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one asks for half a beer, the next asks for a fourth of a beer, and the next asks for an eighth, and so on, eventually the bartender pours a single beer and says “Know your limits!”

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My dad is Jewish but my mom is Christian so Im half Jewish (oc)

Since I’m half Jewish I only get half of everything Jewish, 4 candles at Hanukkah, just a mitzvah, and such, as well as half the jokes. So, two rabbis walk into a bar

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Mathematicians

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says: „You guys should know your limits.”

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

... the first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours them 2 beers and says "you guys should know your limit".

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The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.

He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.
"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has


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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 &qu


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How do you cut the ocean if half

With a seesaw

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Homophobic friends

I told my homophobic friend, "Listen to me when I tell you this; we're all gay. It's just to what extent are you gay."

*"That's bullshit. I ain't gay at all."*

"Yes you are, and I'll prove it to you."

*"Fine. Prove it."*

"Alright. Do you like porn?"

*"Yea


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(No spoilers) What did Daredevil say after begrudgingly agreeing with The Punisher's brutally honest opinion that he's just a half-measure?

"You're such a Frank Castle."

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Susie Lee Done Fell In Love

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half brother.”

So Susie put aside her


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So, what's your profession again?

"Well", answered the man, "I'm a magician!"


"A Magician? What type of Magician?"


"It's a family business and I do the sawing down!"

"So do you have siblings?"

"Yes, two half brothers"

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What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a cat.

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Woah, I Lost half my hair. Woah, bottles full of Nair. Half my hair, it said shampoo I swear. Woah bottles full of Nair... BOTTLES FULL OF NAIR.

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Whats got 2 legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

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Little Johnny walked into a Bar

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My friends call me an alcoholic because I drink black Russians. "That's all liquor!" they say.

No it's not. It's half liquor and half liqueur.

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"So this hooker said she'd allow me to bang her ass if I paid 100$, but I only had 50."

"What did you do? Got a Blowjob instead?"

"Nope, I said I'd only give her half the D, for 50. She accepted. I then sent the whole thing through."

"That's unfair. You lied to her."

​

​

​

"I never said which half."


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Why did the half blind man fall into a well?



He couldn't see that well.

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My ruler broke today, so my friend let me use his broken one.

It was a half measure.

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I want to have sex with you

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What do you call a half Jew?

Jew-ish.

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What do you get when you breed a poodle with an elephant?

One dead poodle, split in half lengthwise.

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What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A woman doesn't take a 3 and a half inch floppy.

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A crusader and his middle-eastern guide are trudging through the desert

Their army was crushed and they escaped into the desert. First, they run out of food, and next, they run out of water. The delirium sets in.

The guide, a Muslim by the name of Ibrahim, sees an oasis in the desert, and excitedly points it out to the crusader, Richard. "Look Richard, an oasis! We're saved! Water my friend, we've found water!"

As they ap


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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

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Never half-ass something.

Instead, be a complete ass.

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An elderly couple is walking along when a pigeon flies over and drops one right on the old ladys head.

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I used to like being half more than my new haircut...

Then it grew on me.

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I first heard this one different (read racist) but I think I fixed it

A family of a well known rapper are sitting at the table. Mom, dad and a small child in a high chair.
Suddenly, the child focuses a lot and with effort says: "Mother."

"Look!" exclaims the rapper. "He can say half a word!"

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I decided to drill holes in my teeth

Almost half of them fell off.

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This came to mind when i was hiking:

What do you call a person that can hardly walk with a dwarf friend?

Cripple and a half.

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Whenever I tell people that I'm half asian they look so surprised

They just can't tell by looking at my face

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Not my joke but thought that it was kinda funny

Husband: What would you do if I won the lottery?

Wife: I'd take half and leave you

Husband: Ok... here's 6 bucks and have a nice life!

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My young daughter asked me this morning, Daddy! What were you and mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could here a buzzing noise and then mummy started to scream.

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What do you call a half Jew?

Jew-ish

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An Elderly Couple . . .

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Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm.

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Whats worse than a worm in your apple

Half of a worm in your apple

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Why wanting beauty is less shallow than wanting money?

When you divorce a beautiful person you don't get half of their good looks.

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So there might be a genocide going on in Kashmir right now

I guess its because half the people are wearing cotton

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What do you call a man who is half dog and half lizard?

A cold blooded son of a bitch.

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What 90s rock band is named after a Hedgehog with half an erection?

Semi Sonic

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What do you call a half limp dick really far up someone ass

A semi colon

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A mother was giving birth...

The moment a baby was born he said:
"Give me a computer, I gotta do some coding."

The doctors, amazed, wanted to do some experimenting. So they took out half of the baby's
brain.

The baby wakes up says: Give me a calculator, I have to solve some equations.

The doctors even more amazed that he can function like that with only half h


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An old man was asked why he was penniless after working so hard in his life?

Half of my money, I spent on hookers, gambling, drugs and alcohol.

I wasted the other half.

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Went to a semi-pro baseball game with my girlfriend the other day...

...turns out, she used to play ball with half the team!

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What has two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a cat

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