Guts

Jokes

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...



And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she


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TIFU by putting my dog to sleep :(

My wife is now crying and I think she hates my guts. Turns out the poor puppy was just exhausted from playing in the park all day.

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Why are politicians the easiest surgery patients?

They have no guts, no heart, no brains, no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.

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Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would always just grin and go about his morning ritual.

One year for Thanksgiving


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First condoms

Two ancient Slavic shepherds are discussing their successful invention of the first condoms:
The first one says: "It is amazing! These work so great and because of the fact that they're made out of sheep guts, they're also extremely cheap to make!"
The second one responds while scratching his nose: "I mean all that is true and they are quite good ...but... shou


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Do you guys wanna hear a skeleton joke?

Never mind. I don’t have the guts to tell one.

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Why did the squirrel cross the road?

To show the chicken his guts.

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First condoms.

It is said that ancient Slavic civilizations were the first ones to invent condoms. They made them using sheep guts, the only problem was, the fact that they often forgot to pull the out of the sheep.

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My mate was eviscerated a few days ago

I remember it so clearly.. he just stood there.. he just didn't have the guts anymore

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My mate was eviscerated a few days ago

I remember it so clearly.. he just stood there.. he just didn't have the guts anymore

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I ate a bottle of glue and they say Ill probably die but I havent yet so...

I’m sticking with my guts on this one

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Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend

(Told in a very thick Minnesotan accent which I won’t write out)

Ole and Sven go hunting one weekend and right away Ole shoots a big ol’ buck. So, they bring it back to the truck and start cleaning it and Sven says, “you know, Ole, this thing is so huge I bet Lena wouldn’t be able to cook it all in one day. Anything more we shoot this weekend will just go to wa


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Why did the little fat girl cross the road?

To prove that she had guts. (And boy did she have guts)

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A lizard is eating alone.

"This is great!" He shrieks in joy as his guts are drenched with tacos. A lion looks on and shrieks "that lizard is scaly on tacos!"

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Old man Harvey was a drinker

He would drink everyday, stumble home each night and get vomit in the sink. Mrs. Harvey was tired of finding and cleaning puke in the sink every morning and was telling her neighbor about it.

Her neighbor told her to catch one of the stray cats from around the house and kill it, then put the guts in the sink. When Harvey comes in yet again sick and sees the sink, he'll think he p


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Why didnt the skeleton show up for the fight after school?

no guts

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Mommy I hate Daddys guts!

Shut up and eat what’s put in front of you.

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A certain couple was married for about 20 years and whenever they had sex..

...the husband insisted on turning off the lights.

After 20 years, the wife felt that turning off the lights was stupid and decided it was time to end with non-sense once and for all.

One night while they were doing it, she quickly turns on the light and when she looked down saw her husband holding a vibrator.

Completely devastated she yelled. " You impo


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George and Mary had been married for almost 45 years.



Lovely couple, but George had this one bad habit that had always disgusted Mary. Every morning, before getting out of bed, George would let out this thunderous, paint peeling fart. Poor Mary would just cringe. Over the years she had complained at George, " You know George! One of these days, you're going to fart your guts out. What are you going to do when that h


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What's a coward on one side, has guts all over in the middle, and doesn't exist on the other side?

The chicken crossing the road who got hit by a truck halfway across.

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Whenever I have sex now I've been imaging my ex wife...

If only I had the guts to ask for a divorce.

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Id tell a skeleton joke...

But I just don’t have the guts to do it.

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Why are skeletons afraid of the dark?

Because they’ve got no guts

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As someone with a peanut allergy, I despise Mr Peanut

I hate his guts! And his nuts!!!

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What is the height of guts

Give a present to a homeless person and saying to open it when he's home

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Wife is yelling at her husband Get out! I hate your guts!

Husband packs up and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him “I hope you die a slow and painful death!” He says “So you want me to stay?”

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A joke my dad told me when I was little

Three men decide to take a hunting trip. They get to the camping site and set up their tent and immediately get ready and set out on their first day of hunting. After an hour or so one of the men, frustrated and tired of not bagging any animals yet decided to lean up against a tree and take a rest while the other men press on. He tells them he’ll catch up with them in a bit. The other two me


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This couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he w


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A newlywed is talking to a friend about her husband.

“I only have one complaint” she says.
“Every morning, right after he wakes up, he rolls over and lets out the wettest, most stomach turning fart. I keep telling him he’s going to fart his guts out and asking him to stop but he just laughs and farts again the next day.”
Her friend, a butchers wife, has an idea.
She gives the new bride some giblets in


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The difference between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls", according to the British military.

We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls". Do they, however,

know the difference between them?



Here's the official distinction, straight from the British Medical Journal:


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Why didnt the skeleton ask anyone to dance?

He didn’t have the guts

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Did you know about that samurai who committed harakiri ?

He had no guts ....

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Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...



And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she


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Why didn't the skeleton go skydiving?

He didn't have the guts!

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Child:Mommy mommy I hate daddys guts!

mother:shut up and finish your dinner

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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts

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Two friends go hunting...



…..after a long day of hunting, they killed a few deer. One friend begins to field dress the deer, the other is having some stomach issues, so he goes to sit on a log and let nature run its’ course. In doing so, the man falls asleep on the log.

The friend that was field dressing the deer realized his friend had been gone for quite some time so he went to c


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Why did the chicken get ran over and have his blood and guts splattered all over the road?

Because he was trying to get to the other side

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I used to work in an ER, one day my asshole ex boyfriend came in with some deep lacerations to his abdomen,

When I saw him I said, “you’ve got a lot of guts coming in here.”

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Why did the skeleton burp?



Because it didn't have the guts to fart.

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I love skeleton jokes

I once had a friend who was a skeleton, he was a real bonehead. He worked as a LUMBARjack until he had a bone to pick with his boss. It didn't end well for his career, but hey nothing got under his skin, he tried getting back his job, he tried to fake an apology to his boss, but it once again didn't end well, he was a real bad liar, you could see right through him. He found his next job


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I found out there are people who eat animal guts and entrails.

I think that's offal.

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Mummy, I hate Daddy's guts.

Shut up and keep eating.

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I wanted to cook Haggis for the first time...

But I didn't have the guts to try it.

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I'm not sure why people like to eat chicken guts?

It's just offal.

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A suicide bomber dies and goes to heaven

At the pearly gates he meets St. Peter who tells him, "I bet you don't have the guts to do that again."

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A convict just escaped prison and the inmate in cell 1 refused to talk...

...8 cells along another inmate beckoned me over and spilled his guts for a reduced sentence.

Just goes to show you:

A snitch in 9 saves time.

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"Mommy, mommy, I don't want to go to Europe!"

"Shut up and keep swimming."

I once knew a bunch of these. How many do you know?

Another one: "Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and keep eating."

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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

It had no guts

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Why didnt the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts to do it.

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