Gunshot

Jokes

Why did Epstein hang himself?

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Two hunters are walking in the woods...

Two hunters are walking in the woods when suddenly, one of them collapses. So the other one calls 911 and says "Help! I think my friend just died"

The 911 operator says: "okay, stay calm sir. First, you have to make sure that he's dead"

Then, a gunshot is heard. The guy says "okay, what now?"


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Two hunters are out in the woods when one falls unconscious

The other hunter calls 911.

“Hello I’m out hunting with my friend but he fell and he ain’t moving.”

“Ok sir calm down. First, check for sure if he is dead.”

A gunshot is heard over the phone.

“Ok now what?”

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What's the hardest part of playing track in an American high school?

Telling which gunshot is the starter.

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Two men are walking through a forest

One man collapses to the ground, completely still

The other guy pulls his phone out and dials 911

“Hello, is this 911?”

“Yes sir, what is your emergency?”

“My friend just collapsed to the floor, i think he might be dead”

“Sir can you make sure he is dead?”

The 911 operator


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3 conspiricy theorists walk into a bar.

The first one explains about how aliens are real and the others follow through, they say how life is a lie and a simulation, keep in mind this is 1980s Chicago. Long story short there are three theorists dead from gunshot wounds.

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Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.

Today he died of his gunshot wounds.

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Two hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. The guy calls 911 and says, "Help, my friend is dead!" The operator says, "First lets make sure he is dead." The operator hears a gunshot and then says, "Ugh not this joke again."

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Two men are walking through a forest

One man collapses to the ground, completely still

The other guy pulls his phone out and dials 911

“Hello, is this 911?”

“Yes sir, what is your emergency?”

“My friend just collapsed to the floor, i think he might be dead”

“Sir can you make sure he is dead?”

The 911 operator


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Two hunters go out in the woods

One Hunter suddenly falls down. Their chest doesn't rise and fall and their eyes are glazed over. His friend, panicking, calls 9-1-1. He says "Help! I think my friend is dead, he doesn't appear to be breathing!' . The operator says;"okay, calm down. First, you have to make sure he's dead." The hunter takes a deep breath and replies "alright, I'll make s


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The 2024 Olympics should be held in Chicago.

So they can figure out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

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A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.

“What can I do for you, Father?”

“I’m collecting for the orphanage.”

“Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door.

The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says, “OK, you can take me now.”


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I was born into a family of non-yeeters

PART I

I was born into a family of non-yeeters. Every morning before I went to school my father would say, "if I ever find out that you've hit that yeet, I'll thump ya."

"Yes, pa," I would always reply. It was a regular occurrence for him to burst into my room unannounced while I was relaxing or doing homework.

"Y'all h


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Two hunters are out in the woods...

when one of them collapses.
He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guys whips out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.


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Two hunters are in a forest...

Suddenly, one of them collapses. His eyes are glazed and he isn't moving. The other hunter picks up his phone instantly and calls the ambulance. The operator says "What is your emergency?". The hunter says "I think my friend is dead!"

The operator then tells the hunter "First, let's make sure he's dead." A gunshot rings out, and then the h


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The body of an homosexual, existentialist fugitive was found in a motel 2 years after the case went cold.

Across an entire wall the words "How do they know" were scrawled, surrounded by places and names connected by bits of string.
The police investigated this, but they couldn't decipher it beyond the ravings of a madman.

The body was found in front of a computer after people at the motel reported a gunshot early in the morning.
Apparently he had browsing 4chan.


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I was at the farm with my friend when we chanced upon a cow with multiple gunshot wound

My friend looked up and said "holy cow"

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Two hunters were walking through the forest...

all of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the r


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A depressed old woman decides it's time to end it all..

so she purchases a pistol and decides she is going to shoot herself in the heart. However, wanting to make sure that death is quick, she visits her doctor to inquire the exact location of the heart. Her doctor informs her that the heart is located just under the left breast, after which she thanks him and returns home.


Later that evening the old woman is rushed to the emergency


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Where did the stalker go when he took multiple gunshot wounds to the abdomen?

The ICU

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2 friends out hunting

2 friends Jim and Bob are out hunting one day. All is going well they are having a great time until Bob slips and bangs his head on a rock and falls unconscious. Jim rings 911 and says my friend hit his head on a rock and he’s dead. The operator on the under end of the line says are you sure ? Jim says gimme a second to make sure. The operator hears a gunshot and then Jim’s back on the


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Two hunters are walking in the woods...

When one of them falls to the ground. The other one checks his heartbeat, and finds he is dead. In a panic, he calls 911. "Help, my friend and I were out hunting and now he's dead!" The 911 operator tries to keep him calm and replies "Okay, an ambulance is on the way. First you need to make sure he is actually dead." A gunshot can be heard. "Okay, now what?!"


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Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.

Now it's considered kid stuff.

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What do you call a Mexican golfer with a gunshot wound?

Hole in Juan.

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Two hunters were in the woods...

when one of them was bitten by a venomous snake. He fell down to the ground, and his breathing stopped. Terrified, his friend phoned an expert on survival.

Over the phone, the expert said,
"The first thing you have to do is make sure he's dead.
A gunshot rang over the line.
"Now what?"


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An elderly woman discovers she has the onset of dementia.

Having lived a full life, she decides that she wants to take her life into her own hands rather than wait for the inevitable. After some thought, she purchases a gun to shoot herself, but being cautious, she decides to ask her doctor to know the exact location of her heart. The doctor tells her that her heart is located just under the left breast.

Later that day, the old woman was ru


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I once killed 19 birds with one gunshot, people asked why didn't I round up to 20

Do you really think I would risk getting caught lying just for 1 bird ?

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Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...

When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.

In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"

"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"

There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard

"Okay, so no


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Watching the olympic 100m is like witnessing a crime

You hear a gunshot and a second after you see 8 black guys running away.

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There are two hunters

Suddenly one of them collapses. He appears not to be breathing and his eyes glaze over. The other hunter panics and 911. The hunter says "I think my friend is dead! What do I do?" The operator says "Calm down. First, make sure he's dead." A gunshot is heard on the other line. The hunter says, "Okay now what.?"


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An elderly woman visiting her Doctor

While at the Doctors office she starts talking about how depressed she had been ever since her husband had passed. She asks the Doctor "if you were going to end it all how would you do it?" The Doctor puzzled about the question but can see the pain in her weepy eyes. He replies "oh I don't know, I guess a shotgun to the heart would guaranty the outcome." The Doctor finishe


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Two guys go out hunting

All of the sudden, one guy collapses on the ground and lost his pulse. The other one calls 911 and explains what happened. The operator says, "First, make sure he's dead." There was a long silence and then a gunshot. The man then gets back on the line and says, "Ok, what now?"


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The CIA test

(My uncle told me this joke a long time ago so forgive me for messing it up if I do)

There were 3 men who were in training for the CIA, he was at the final stage of his training to become an agent.

They give the first man a gun and send him into a room. In the room he sees his wife tied to a chair. They tell him to shoot her to prove his loyalty. The man stays in the room


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A man is going on a hike with his friend...

...Suddenly, the friend grabs his chest, gasps, and falls to the ground. The man panics and calls 911.

"This is a 911 operator. What is the emergency?"

"I think my friend just died!"

"Alright, first make sure he is actually dead."

Silence. Then a gunshot is heard.

"Okay, now what?"


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A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."

The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.

"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

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Two hunters are walking in the forest

One hunter says to the other,
"DUCK! THERE's A DEER BEHIND YOU!"
The other hunter, however does not duck, and is subsequently shot.
He falls to the ground, and the shooter immediately calls 9-1-1.
Before the operator can say anything, he screams, "HELP HELP I THINK MY FRIEND IS DEAD!"
The operator says, "Well, first lets make sure he ac


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2 hunters

Two hunters hunting in the mountains, one of which suddenly collapsed, and was very anxious. other hunter took out the emergency phone call to fight: my friends were injured in the fall how to do? !
Operator: Do not worry, you must make sure that he really hurt.
Then the operator heard a gunshot from the phone, hunter: the next step, how to do? ~


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So, two guys went hunting

During the hunt, one of them holds his chest, lets out a scream and faints. The other man hurried over, checks his breathing and frantically takes out his cellphone to call 911.


Operator: 911. What's your emergency?

Man: Help! I think my friend is dead! He is not breathing!

Operator: Sir. Please calm down. First, you'll have to make sure your


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DID YOU HEAR A GUNSHOT ?

one duchebag went in a club and start harassing people about how strong he is, after a while he enters the men's room , when he was about to exit he finds an asian teenager pointing a revolver at him and he said "am fucking you today, take your pants off or i shoot you" after a while they exit the men's room and he was told to say what happened on the men's room
afte


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Two Hunters.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."


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Two Hunters.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."


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How the Allies won WWW. . .

Translating from German, a joke I learned while I was away at an academy. I thought it belonged here.

WWI was fought using trench warfare, which was long, grueling and enduring. The German and American forces were facing a stalemate during one of their battles.

A young soldier proposed, "I have an idea. What if we were to shout a widely used German name like Hans ou


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How the Allies won WWI

Translating from German, a joke I learned while I was away at an academy. I thought it belonged here.
WWI was fought using trench warfare, which was long, grueling and enduring. The German and American forces were facing a stalemate during one of their battles.
A young soldier proposed, "I have an idea. What if we were to shout a widely used German name like Hans out on the battle


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Police should come with warning labels.

Surgeon General's warning: Contact with officer may result in asphyxia, electric shock, blunt force trauma, chemical burns to the face and neck, gunshot wounds, and death. If symptoms appear, consult your lawyer and discontinue use.

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Two hunters are out in the woods...

One collapses and stops breathing. His companion calls an emergency number and cries, "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator says, "Calm down; I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot, and the hunter says, "OK, now what?"


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The Two Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the


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Jim and bob were out hunting when bob accidentally shot jim

bob quickly called 911 and said to the operator, "i think i just killed my best friend!"

the operator asked "how? walk me through what happened."

bob says, "well, i slipped and shot him in the back and he fell over and i called you."

the operator says, "well check and see if he's dead for sure."

the op


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Two hunters out in the woods

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on th


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Three starving guys are wandering in a desert...

They come across a tree, but instead of leaves, it has strips of bacon. They happily climb the tree and start eating the bacon, until they hear a gunshot and one of the guys falls over, dead.
It wasn't a bacon tree.
It was a ham-bush.

(Not sure if this has been posted before, hope you enjoy.)


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Two guys are out hunting

Two guys are out hunting and one of them falls down a ravine. The other one run down to him, can't find a pulse, and calls calls 911 and says "Help me my friend is dead! I don't know what to do!" The operator says "That's okay just calm down I'm going to help. Now let's start by making sure he's actually dead." There's silence on the line and


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