Grandmother

Jokes

What's worse than getting hot and bothered with your grandmother?

Being thrown out of the crematorium before you finish.

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Family Dinner

The entire family gets together for Christmas dinner, and theres to be a big announcement, as rumour has it the great granddaughter is to begin a career in a high paying job.

At dessert, the grandmother gets up and taps a spoon on her glass.

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you all may have heard, one of our family is about to start a new job and we are all so happy for her


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Who is Poon Tangs grandmother?

PooNanny.

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it


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You're next



When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

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In six months I lost my girlfriend, my grandmother, and my dog. It's not been easy.

To make it look unintentional.

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My grandmother asked for the trip of a lifetime for her 90th birthday

Got her a one way ticket to Switzerland

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My grandmother died because the report said she had Type A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type O

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My Polish grandmother used to perform for a ballet company...

It was always awkward listening to her Pole Dancing stories.

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A mystical witch has passed away, and the executor has gathered her normal human family to help divide her assets.

"As you know, your mother and grandmother lived off the grid, so she never had much in the way of material possessions. That said, since you also know that she was an avid cook, and since her broom is nowhere to be found, all that remains of her earthly goods are a few of her kitchen tools: a spatula, a ladle, and a whisk."

"Now, before I go down the list, let me warn y


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I came home to find a Greek goon chocking my grandmother..

He saw me. Immediately, my hands went towards my phone, and the goon shouted,

"You stop right there! Or else imma beta your gamma!"

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What did a boyfriend said to his girlfriend when he was licking her vagina and tasted semen from a horse?

Aha, this was the way you died grandmother.

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A father catches his son having sex with his own grandmother, and beats him up for that.

The son then says:
« You’ve been f*cking my mother for dozens of years, and now you beat me up because I f*cked your mother only once?!? »

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My Grandmother said I was too 'reliant' on technology.

I called her a hypocrite and unplugged her life support.

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What song does Rihanna sing to her grandmother who has Alzheimers?

"O, Nanna.. What's my name?"

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So I was playing this game with my grandmother...

It's a game where there's a category and you have to name 5 things from that category.

We get to "Famous People Over 6 feet Tall", and I quickly name off a few lanky celebrities.

Then "Characters on The Brady Bunch", and she nails it.

Finally, "Primitive Tools". I was thinking... and said "Spears... stone hammers..


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Where does a stool stay

in the toilet (joke courtesy of my grandmother)

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What does a stool say

im in the toilet ( joke courtesy of my grandmother)

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My grandmother thinks texting causes deafness

I wish she never asked what wys means.

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At a psychiatric ward: Doctor, what should we do with the new guy in room 6?

He believes he’s a wolf.”
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Doctor: “Whatever you do, don’t let his grandmother visit!”

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What is sodium's grandmother?

Na^(2)

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My grandmother is going mad and think she's a university.

The doctor says she's ok as she still has all her faculties.

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NSFW Whats worse than having sex with your grandmother?

Knocking your head on the coffin

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How did the guy get a headache while banging his grandmother?

From hitting his head on the coffin

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My friends grandmother was a famous suffragette, so I looked her up on a history website to read her biography.

The first half of the article was a chicken soup recipe.

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If my grandmother had wheels

She would've been a bike.

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My sweet grandmother always said this about sushi...

Like a pussy, if it smells like fish, don’t eat it.

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A woman is attending her 98 year old grandfathers funeral

After the service her and her family head back to her grandmothers home and she finally has the chance to talk to her grandmother alone.

She first shows her sympathy then she asks her grandmother exactly how her grandfather died, Her grandmother looked at her then made sure nobody was around and said "He died while we were having sex"

The woman was mortified, &q


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My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days

She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo.

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A kid walks in on his parents having sex.

And he says, "Daddy! Daddy! What are you doing to mommy???" The father, thinking on his feet (or, well, off his feet), says "Son, your mother is *very very ill*, and I'm doing this special dance to make her all better." The kid says, "Okay," turns around, leaves, closes the door. The dad has a chuckle - "Ha ha, stupid kid", and gets back down to busines


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Grandson calls his grandmother

Grandson:Grandma I need to tell you something important!
grandmother: What is it sweetie?
Grandson: I'm adicted to drugs!
grandmother: Oh, it's OK, I taught that you were hungry.

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My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day.

So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday.

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I'll never forget the last thing my grandmother said to me before she died.

She said, "WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT HAMMER!?"

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When i was younger my grandmother use to say: Be careful when going out at bars and clubs, they put drugs in your drinks!

Now, nearly 30 still looking for the place that serves free drugs!

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After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.

After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neck


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As his son has turned 19 today, a father starts a serious father-son talk...

The father says: „Son, you‘ve reached age of majority today. You‘re an adult now. But you‘re still a virgin, so we have to tackle this. Here‘s 50 bucks, now go to the docks and have fun with a hooker. After that, you can call yourself not only an adult but also a man.“

The son takes the $50 and leaves for the docks. Almost there, he encounters his g


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3 generations of prostitutes were sitting around a table one night...

The daughter complains,"This year has been rough. I'm only getting $20 to fuck a guy!"

The mother pipes up and says, "Back in my day we only got $10 bucks!"

Then the grandmother speaks up and says, "During the Great Depression we were happy to just have something warm in our bellies."


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Greatest Mother's Day advice ever, from my grandmother...

You should beat your children everyday. Because if you don't know what they did, they do!

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A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

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A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Light, lightning, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

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My Grandmother used to tell us this knock knock joke

She would say "knock, knock" and we would say "who's there?" then she would say "I can't remember" and start to cry.....

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If my grandmother found out how much money i spent on her funeral...

...she'd be spinning in her ditch.

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My grandmother with Alzheimer's walks into a bar

Pineapple

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On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.

“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”

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“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”

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“Infl


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My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

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My grandmother has Alzheimers, a teen tells his friend as they walked past her sitting in the living room.

“That sucks,” the friend says.

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“Yeah, but it’s got some upside,” the teen replies. “Like when I get twenty dollars for my birthday every week.”

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A Jewish Grandmother was at the beach...

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. Suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He is swept away! She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Haven


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A guy asks his grandmother...

"Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD". Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

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What's old and wrinkled and hangs out your grandfathers pyjama pants ?

Your grandmother.

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A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, “No change yet.”

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