Gesture

Jokes

If your gay roommate cooks you dinner, it's both homemade..

.. and a nice gesture.

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A cucumber and lettuce are walking down the street.

Suddenly a white van pulls up beside them and the cucumber and lettuce are stuffed into the van by a cheese.

The cheese takes them to a secret location, tries them up and holds them to random.

The cucumber manages to struggle free of his bonds and, in a heroic gesture, throws itself at the cheese, pins it to the ground and shouts:

“Lettuce go!”


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A man goes to a singles bar...

An attractive woman is sat at the bar. In front of her are 20 shots of clear alcohol and 20 shots of a golden brown alcohol.
She looks up gently shakes her hair in a sexy gesture and says "Okay cowboy, I'll drink the clear shots, you drink the brown ones" To which the man responds " I don't wearly know, it may be whiskey"


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An autistic child go to school

First try at posting a joke. It's my favorite, I don't know if it's a repost, it is better with some gesture but I'll try anyway

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My girlfriend made a gesture calling me a loser because I'm obsessed with Smash Mouth puns.

I told her she was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead.

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A huge stretch limousine pulls in front of the Waldorf Astoria hotel in New York City. A wealthy woman steps out...

and asks the doorman to get 14 bellhops to help her.

They line up and she directs each one to grab some of the luggage and move it into her suite. As a last piece of luggage disappears, one lone bellman is left looking at her.

With a sweeping gesture she points to the back seat. "Go into to the car and pick up my son and carry him inside."

The ma


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My wife opened my car door for me

It would’ve been a nice gesture if we hadn’t been going 70 miles per hour.

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My wife decided to open the car door for me today.

It would’ve been a nice gesture had we not been going 70 mph.

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Jesus loves you. A nice gesture in church. A horrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

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As a gesture of good faith, Trump and some of his former staff known to be white nationalists are trying to raise money for victims of the Charlottesville march by running in a charity race.

It's a 3K.

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A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, two kids, and a monkey.

He asks the money, not expecting much, what had happened the monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further


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This Scottish fellow walks into a bar...

...And tells the bartender: "A single malt Scotch!" Then turns around and says with a gesture of his arm that indicates everyone in the bar: "When Alec MacPherson drinks, eeeeeeeeeeeeverybody drinks!"

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Hearing this, the people smile, get their drink and raise a glass to Alec MacPherson. After downing his Scotch, Alec MacPherson tells t


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My stepmother has never liked me . . .

Last week she farted in my face. It was the warmest gesture that I've received from her in years.

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A man visits a televangelist.

He asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”

The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not til next Tuesday at 11:00.”


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Kissing someone while they are sleeping is the purest gesture off love.

Unless you are in prison.

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My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 90 km/h...

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My lesbian neighbors bought me a new Rolex for my birthday.

I'm more of an Omega guy myself, but it was still a nice gesture.

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There is this bunny...

(DISCLAIMER: This jokes works best with gestures, and there is a key gesture that makes the whole joke)

.. and like all bunnies he likes to fornicate. A lot. So he decides to pay a visit to the local animal whorehouse.

He steps inside and he sees Cow, which is the receptionist of said house.

Bunny:"Hi, I'd like to fuck"

Cow:"


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My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

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"Jesus Loves You"

A sweet gesture to hear in church but a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

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Apple and Marvel just teamed up to release a new device called "iStones"

It only supports one gesture.

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Bless the little miscreants, they are throwing gravel . . .

Such a gneiss gesture.

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Some consider giving the middle finger to be a religious gesture

It's a sign of the crossed.

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What do you call a pranking gesture?

a jesture

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Two Jewish boys are sitting on a roof

A man walks past and looks up at them asking "Hey what are you two doing up there?"
The kids turn and gesture towards the nearby chimney "Waiting for our parents"

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I bought my friend a copy of The Lord of the Rings but he didn't seem that pleased.

He though it was a Tolkien gesture.

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In a very touching gesture, Gary Anderson attempted to call up Blair Walsh and offer his sympathy.

Unfortunately, they just missed each other.

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Barbara Walters was doing a story on gender roles in Afghanistan

Barbara Walters was doing a story on gender roles in Afghanistan

She noted that women customarily walked 10 feet behind their husbands

Impressed she approached one of the Afghani women and said, "This is marvellous! What a nice gesture of respect to a husband. Is there any specific reason to this custom?"

The lady whispered, "Land Mines"


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A German, a Russian, and a Syrian are in a life raft ...

The raft is slowly sinking and the 3 castaways are afraid it will sink before they are rescued, so they start looking around for things they can dispose of to lighten the load.

The Russian takes a case of fine Vodka, throws it overboard and says, "We have plenty of that in my country."

Seeing the Russian's generous gesture, the Syrian takes a bag of fine hi


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Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused a


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"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

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How to tell your boss is a douchebag

I thought it was a very nice gesture of my coworkers when my Dad passed to circulate a card. Then I opened it... all I could do was laugh. What an asshat.

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3 men were golfing together...

They were on the green ready to putt their balls. As one man was about to putt, a funeral procession drives by on the adjacent road. The man bows his head in silence until the cars pass.

Stunned by their friend's uncharacteristic gesture of respect, the 2 other men say, "That was a really kind thing you did there."

The first man responds, "It's th


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It's Only A Game?

At the golf course one Sunday, Bernie's about to putt, when a funeral procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. Bernie straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession, until it passes. Then he bends over again and makes his putt.
      "Tha


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Setting someone on fire

Setting someone on fire is a very heartwarming gesture.

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A Jew and an Arab

A Jew and an Arab are walking down the street when they come upon a painting of Hitler towards the local falafel shop. The Jew takes one look at the painting and spits on it.

The Arab turns to the Jew and asks him, "why did you do that?"

The Jew replies, "because he killed half the Jews."

The Arab looks at the painting and spits on it


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Appointment in Samarra.

A merchant in Baghdad sends his servant to the marketplace for provisions. Shortly, the servant comes home white and trembling and tells him that in the marketplace he was jostled by a woman, whom he recognized as Death, and she made a threatening gesture. Borrowing the merchant's horse, he flees at top speed to Samarra, a distance of about 75 miles (125 km), where he believes Death will not


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Two men were playing golf..

when the man about to tee off noticed a funeral procession moving down the road next to the golf course. He stopped, put his club away, took off his hat and waited respectfully for them the pass. "My friend that was a very decent and respectful gesture" his friend commented. "The least I could do, I was married to her for eighteen years after all"


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What is a vaginas favorite gesture?

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Little John in 1-minute Composition

The teacher asked the class to write a composition that involved at the same time sex, royalty, and religion.

Not even two minutes had passed when Little John handed in his.

The arm of the teacher still raised to stop him, but she stopped the gesture as she read what he wrote:


And the queen said: Oh, my God, so good!



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A lost amp found note as a gesture of goodwill.

Whoever lost a Rolex I report "the time now is 20 minutes after seven"

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Heavenly Christmas

After an accident, three dead souls find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter Heaven.

On entering they must present something related to Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.


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The guys go to the funeral of their life-long pal...

After a long eulogy and some beautiful music, the guys are overcome with emotion. The first guy walks up to the casket of his buddy.

"I know it's just a small token, but for everything you've ever done for me, buddy, all the times you helped me out. This is the least I could do."

He tucks a $50 bill into his buddy's tuxedo pocket, and he staggers


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"Jesus loves you." A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Méxican prison.

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Four guys where getting ready to tee off on the 18th hole when a funeral procession started coming down the road...

...one of the men took off his hat and bowed his head. Another said, "Marty, that is the nicest gesture I have ever seen out of you." Marty replies, "It's the least I could do, we where married for 28 years."

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Christmas in Heaven

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something that represented "Christmas".
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.


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