Garden

Jokes

Just had Little Richard round to trim the garden

He lopped all the rhubarb, he lopped bamboo

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Peeing on my flowers

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old


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What do you call a row of bunnies replanting their garden?

A reseeding hairline.

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My longest Pickup line.(Its actually a poem)

In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes.
In this garden, Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's, One covered Eve's.
As the story goes on, Never the less to say,
The wind came along, And blew the leaves away. At the sight, Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair. And wonder


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Don't tell secrets in the garden:

The potatoes have eyes

The corn has ears

And the beanstalk.

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Dilemma. There's a spider in my daughter's cot...

Where's a safe place to let her sleep in the garden?

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What do you call an epileptic person in a garden?

Seizure Salad

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A Prince is Cursed by a Witch.

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Yo mama is so fat that when I asked her to come and look at this caterpillar, as we sat in the garden.

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I forgot to weed my garden.

The plot thickens

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What's a pedophiles favourite kind of garden?

A kinder-garden

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Tony tells his friend Jimmy: "My son is stupid."

Jimmy doesn't believe him. So they go to Tony's house and enter his son's room. Tony tells him: "In my left hand I have a $2 bill. In my right hand I have a $20 bill. Pick one and it's yours." The son picks the $2 bill and goes outside, leaving Jimmy dumbfounded.

15 minutes later Jimmy finds Tony's son sitting in the garden and eating an ice cream.


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Little Ol

Little Ol Man and a Little Ol Lady lived in a Little Ol house. Little Ol Man was pulling weeds out of the Little Ol garden and Little Ol Lady comes up from behind him and hits him in the head with a shovel. Little Ol Man gets up and asked "Why did you do that?" Little Ol Lady says, "That's for being a lousy lover for all these years." Little Ol Man knowing she is mad w


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A man has been sitting on the edge of a rooftop garden on the 20th floor of where he works since 9 AM today thinking about whether to jump or not

It's now 5 PM and he's still on the fence.

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Why did the garden divorce the field?

He caught her being plowed by a hoe

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:


"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.


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Roses are red, tulips are red, lotus are red

My garden is on fire

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Adam and Eve

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What is every priest's favourite kind of garden?

Kindergarten.

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I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

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Whats a rapists favourite kind of garden?

A Kinder-garden

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An old Italian Gentleman lived alone in New Jersey

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

"Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to pl


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What's the difference between my garden and Valve?

One is full of vegetables that, despite the talent put into cultivating them, haven't produced anything of worth in the past five plus years.

The other is in my backyard.

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My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.

He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people buy them, but I figured it was just a hobby and didn't think too much about it. I


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3 nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes...

All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St Peter is waiting for them.

He said to the nuns, "Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question."

To the first nun, St Peter asks "Where did Adam meet the first woman?"
The Nun replied, "In the Garden Of Eden."


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As I suspected, Someone has been planting soil in my garden

The plot thickens

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Somebody has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens

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As I suspected, someones been putting soil in my garden.

The plot thickens.

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Apparently weed is the gateway drug. But I'm not so sure.

I just spent 25 minutes trying to get into my garden.

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I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

###

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I have a bird feeder in my garden.

It's also a cat feeder.

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Guy driving a car stops by a hooker

...and asks: -What can You do for a 100 bucks?

She replies: -Anything You want, baby.

\-Hop in, You'll help me lay the foundation for my garden shed.

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I saw some prostitutes hanging around my local garden centre

I guess it is a bit of a seedy establishment

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I spent an year in Italy and lost a 100 pounds working at the Olive Garden Headquarters

Who knew Olive Garden is a notorious Drug smuggling gang in Italy

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When is kink shaming a good thing?

When it's a garden hose.

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One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.


One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag.

A policeman saw this and he stopped her.

Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills

Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills )

Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal?

Old lady: Well, it's a


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My wife's most recent obsession is growing melons, and she makes me help her in the garden.

It's always "honey do this" and "honey do that"

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What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

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I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.

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What was the sexist dude doing in the garden?

Mansplanting

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A man sees his daughter playing in her garden

He walks up to her and asks “how are you honey”

She replies “daddy what is that called”, pointing at two spiders cradling each other

Dad: well that’s a daddy long leg

Daughter: and is the other one a mommy long leg?

The dad chuckling at her innocences: no honey, both of them are called daddy long legs


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An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,

Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegra


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Roses are red, Violets are red.

My garden isn't on fire,

I got hurt on my head.

The blood is gushing out omg help.

I can't see it's pouring into my eyes.

Smelp.

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Whats a Pedophiles Favorite type of garden?

A Kindergarden

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Roses are red, tulips are red, violets are red.

my garden is on fire :(

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The Community Garden

A man living in a predominantly Italian-American neighborhood proposes to his neighbors that they grown a community garden. They all excitedly accept, and begin planting different types of trees where their backyards meet.

One neighbor plants orange trees, another plants apple trees, a third plants plum trees, and the man who suggested the idea plants peach trees.

A neig


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A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young any


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Our neighbor shot my DJI Mavic over his garden.

This means war!

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Just as I suspected, someone has been secretly adding dirt to my garden

The plot thickens

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I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably.

I guess there is mushroom for improvement

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