Freezing

Jokes

A German man jumped in a freezing lake to save my dog...

He said “keep him out of ze cold and wrap him in a warm towel”

I said are you a vet?

He said “vet? I’m fucking soaking!”

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Two boys

It's a freezing Sunday morning in December and a Nun is about to enter the back of the church when she sees 2 boys sitting on the back steps, shivering like crazy. She asks:

"Boys? Why are you out here sitting in this freezing weather?"

One of the boys replies:
"Because Father said he likes a "couple of cold ones" before mass."


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"Teacher, what happens when somebody throws freezing water on you?"

"Icecold."

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Even if you are absolutely freezing...

You are 0K.

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Apparently there were freezing temperatures in California this morning

It was so cold the democrats were walking around with their hands in their *own* pockets.

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What do you call a prostitute out in the freezing cold?

A frostitute!

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It was winter and I saw a fish in a freezing cold water.

So I took it out and put it in the warm oven.

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A friend was freezing some ice cubes for me.

Let's say he was doing me a solid.

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I asked a friend for relationship advice and he told me to try breaking the ice

I don’t think she appreciated it when she fell through it into freezing waters

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Queen Elsa used to work at a water park. She kept freezing up the wave pool.

They let her go.

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A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.

​

“If you don’t stop swearing, I’m going to put you in the freezer.”
<


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Come on Chicago! It's April and we have heavy freezing snow coming down on us.

In the sky I just watched a flock of geese make a u-turn and head back south.

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A true story.

Two little fleas... They meet at a bar in Florida. They vacation together all the time. One year, the second little flea arrives, and he's freezing, freezing cold. And he says, "Ooh, ooh, I was just zooming down from Jersey in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle, and I am frozen!" And the first flea says, "Well, that is no way to come down to Florida. Here's what you


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What do you call a freezing bird?

a brrrrrd

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A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"

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Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Joanna

Joanna who?

Joanna open the fucking door. It’s freezing out here!

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A german jumped into freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out he handed the dog to me and said "here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine". I asked "are you a vet?" He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking"

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A couple driving home run over a badger they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold

Husband says, "put it between your legs to keep it warm",

Wife replies "but it is all wet and it stinks,

He say, "well hold the badgers nose then!"

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I was just about to go outside in my tee-shirt but I notice it's been snowing all night and it's fucking freezing out there.









I'll get my coat.

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Just ask for a hand

This is Freezing outside in Shanghai. I was walking out of the hotel ,seeing three miniskirts coming in through the door way. My coat is stuck in the door and
I asked that , could you give me a hand . I am stuck here.
They said , enh ,fine, 398 Yuan for once .
What a city, they don't even give stranger a hand for free!


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How is DNA able to maintain its structure in freezing cold temperatures?

It puts a codon

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I was freezing out in the middle of the woods when I stumbled upon a mean-looking hunter sat by a campfire...

He was roasting his fresh kill feet first and the smell had me salivating for a bit of that tasty grub.

He gave me a dirty look and made it clear he didn't want to share any.

I begged him for a bite to help me warm up but he just gave me the cold shoulder.

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Knock Knock

Who's there ?


*Your mom*


Your mom who ?


*Your mom who is currently freezing out here, because you made this a knock knock joke.*

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It's amazing how seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid January and I'm freezing.

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.

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Why is spring water always freezing cold?

Because if it were any warmer, it'd be summer water.

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Why did David Hasselhoff pour liquid nitrogen in his ass?

he was freezing his assholehoff.

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Why did David Hasselhoff pour liquid nitrogen in hos ass?

he was freezing his assholehoff

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The Hotel Pool

Guy goes to hotel pool. Asks another guest “How’s the water?”

Other guest, who is apparently Russian, says “Lukevarm.”

Guy jumps in and the water is freezing. He yells “The water is ice cold! I thought you said it was lukewarm!”

Other guest shrugs and says “Look varm to me.”


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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

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It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.

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Alexander Hamilton was freezing at death...

You could say that he died with a Burr

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Its cold in Canada

It’s freezing outside but my will to live is melting away



(Don’t worry I’m not actually depressed)

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What do you call a freezing German city?

"Brrr"-lin.

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I'm addicted to freezing birds

I wanna quit cold turkey.

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Why Mexicans are freezing in the hot summer?

Because they're surrounded by ICE.

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Why does reddit always keep its temperature below freezing?

To keep all the snowflakes happy.

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What do planets say in winter?

We're freezing our axis of.

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A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine." I said "Are you a vet" He replied "vet?... Im fucking soaking."

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A German tourist jumped into freezing water to heroically save my drowning dog...

After he climbed out of the water, he handed me my dog and said “here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm and he vill he fine”.

I said “are you a vet?”

“Vet? I’m fucking soaked!”

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When the Titanic sank, many of those people that died in the freezing water probably went to Hell.

And for the first few minutes I bet it felt kind of nice.

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A talk between two dead.

Two women have died recently and they were talking.
Woman 1:How did you die?
Woman 2:I died freezing.
Woman 1:omg freezing?! You must have suffered until you died!
Woman 2:Not at all.. I just felt colder and colder..And I started freezing slowly and didn't feel anything.But how did YOU die?
Woman 1:I had a heart attack.
Woman 2:and how did that happen? <


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There once were two women, a redhead and a blonde.

The two women decided to go to the park. On the way there the blonde says, “We have to go back! My hands are freezing!” The redhead replies, “Just put your hand in your pockets,” to which the blonde replies, “I can’t! That where my winter gloves are!”

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The little polar bear asks his mom

The little polar bear asks his mom, "Am I a polar bear?"

The mom says "Of course you are, dear."

The little bear asks, "Am I 100% polar bear?"

The mom says, "I am a polar bear, you dad is a polar bear. You know what, why don't you go ask the old man."

So he asks his dad, "Dad, am I a polar bear?&q


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A German tourist jumped in the freezing cold water to save my dog

After he got out of the water he told me “here is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm and he vill be fine”. I asked “are you a vet?” And he replied “vet?... I’m fucking soaking!”

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A German tourist jumped into the freezing cold water to save my dog.

A German tourist jumped in to the freezing cold water to save my precious little dog who was drowning. After that he got out, handed me the dog and said:
‘here is ze dog keep him varm and dry him and he vill be fine’
I said: ‘are you a vet?’
He replied: ‘vet?!! I’m fucking soaking!!’


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A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my precious little dog from drowning.

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A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he handed me the dog and said here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine I said are you a vet? He replied vet?.. Im fucking soaking

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So my dog was drowning

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he handed me the dog and said, "Here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine". I said, "are you a vet?" He replied, "Vet?? I'm fucking soaking!"


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There are two freezing germans at Stalingrad, and one turns to the other and says...

Gott mit uns.

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What is the difference between a stripper and Powerbait?

One leaves you sticky and covered in glitter and the other catches fish!



**** I thought of this joke in 2011 while I was freezing my butt off trout fishing at Henry Hagg Lake in Gaston, OR. And yes that is the origin of my screen name.

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