Flight

Jokes

I took a cheap flight earlier this week and it must have caused this type of pneumonia in me

Because the doctor said I had Allegiant Air's disease

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I boarded Flat Earth Airlines flight 56, service to Milwaukee yesterday.

Now I get why it’s called the “receding hairline airline”.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A buzzard carrying two dead badgers tried to check in at the airport for his flight.

The gate attendant told him, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one carrion."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Blonde on an airplane

A blonde boards an airplane heading from California to Texas. She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant taps her on the shoulder gently, and says, "Miss, your seat in is coach. I need you to move please." The blonde says, "No, I'm blonde and beautiful and I deserve to sit in first class." The flight attendant trys to reason with the woman for a moment before ge


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Worried sex might cause problems after recovering from cardiac arrest, doctor told me as long as I could climb a flight of stairs I could have sex.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man escaped from enemies chasing after him in the Middle East.

Once he returned back to base all he could say when questioned on how he got away was the name of the country they were stationed in.
Once higher ups found out about the incident they asked what country this was in. He immediately scheduled a flight to Iran to meet the man.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There were two secretaries that worked at this very large company. They didnt know one another very well, but were friendly at work.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was onboard a flight when a stewardess announced The pilot is having a heart attack! Does anyone know how to fly this plane?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a flight attendant over. "The man behind me just hurle


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My wife came home a long flight and said that Delta took excellent care of her

Later I found out his name was Delta Ding-A-Ling

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Three aeronautical engineering professors get onto a plane and settle into their seats.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Did you hear about the guy who fell down the stairs at the airport?

Damn near missed the whole flight

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A young mosquito tries flying for the first time

When the mosquito came back, the mother asks,
"how was your first flight dear?"

The young mosquito replied, "great mom! Everyone was clapping for me!"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was on a plane today when a vulture

tried to board with two dead raccoons.
Thankfully, the alert flight attendant quickly said "I'm sorry Sir, only one carrion per passenger."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Meal-time on a cheap flight

It was meal-time during a flight on a cheap airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked.
'What are my choices?' I asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man gets on a plane with 6 kids. The flight attendant asks, "Are these your kids?" The man replies, "No, I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints!"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Oldie but goodie

What do you call an occupied lavatory on an in-flight 747?


Hypotenuse.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

An American man boards a flight to another country (OC)

On the flight, the flight attendants hand out earbuds for everyone on the flight to use.

The man gladly takes one, and turns on his favorite movie.

As soon as he puts the earbuds in his ear, he pulls them out in pain.

The earbuds were cheaper quality than the ones he was used to.

He puts them in again to try them but they fall out on their own.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Did you hear about the Glasgow based flight operator?

Air There.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

New flight simulator.

I downloaded a new 737 Max flight simulator, but it keeps crashing.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I just got off a 12 hour flight after sitting next to a baby. I couldnt believe it was possible for someone to cry for 12 hours straight.

Even the baby seemed impressed.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Prior to every flight, everytime I prepare a hot non-coffee brown beverage for the A-team

T leaves

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a snobby criminal walking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Malaysian airlines flight 370

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A military plane crashes on a cannibal island

The crew are taken to the chief, who asks:

"Which of you has the highest rank?"

"I do. I am Flight Commander," the Flight Commander says.

"Well congratulations!" says the cannibal. "Tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Right to Life Group recently picketed my flight to LAX

They protested against the Aborted Takeoff

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A true incident...

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenient travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I will be happy to help you. But


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My friend worked as a security guard for a prison.

He told me about the one time he was asked to escort a dwarf inmate on a flight to another location.

The story was very interesting but the only part I didn't like was how the prisoners flight landed.

It was little condescending.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My friend worked as a security guard for a prison

He told me about the one time he was asked to escort a dwarf inmate on a flight to another penitentiary. The story was very interesting but the only part I didn't like was when he told how the prisoners flight ended. It was little condescending.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

An artist went out and did a flight training exam.

He passed it with flying colors.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why did Washington cross the Delaware river in a boat?

His flight was cancelled.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Japanese person, a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were aboard a flight when it started to crash

“The plane is too heavy, we have to lighten the load!“ the pilot exclaims. The Japanese person looks at her baggage full of computers and electronics, and drops it out of the plane. “Its ok, we have plenty of these in my country” she says.

The Canadian person follows suit and empties his luggage full of hockey sticks. “Its ok, we have plenty of these in


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replace
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something was unhooked in the cabin
Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged
Report: We haven't been able to repeat the problem on solid ground

Problem: Traces of fuel leakage


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

On a private plane flight...

On a private plane flight there was a priest, two kids and the pilot. After a while of flying the pilot turns on autopilot and calls the priest and says to him, "Sir, I am sorry, the plane will crash soon and there are only two parachutes. They are for both of us" The priest says,"And the kids?" "The kids... fuck them!" "Do we have time?" The priest replies


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What is a penguin in england?

A butler who missed his flight.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

On a private plane flight...

On a private plane flight there was a priest, two kids and the pilot. After a while of flying, the pilot turns on the autopilot and pulls the priest aside and says to him "Sir, I am sorry, the plane will fall soon and there are only two parachutes. They are for both of us" The priest replies " And the kids?"
"The kids.... fuck them!" The priest asks " Do w


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Middle seat in a flight is like PMS

No one wants it and no one likes it when they get it

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

First day as a pilot

**Air traffic control:** flight 417 please confirm your location, over.

**Me:** This is flight 417... we are in the sky, over.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

How many prison guards does it take to throw an inmate down a flight of steps?

None, he slipped!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

First day as a pilot

**Air traffic control:** flight 417 please confirm your location, over.

**Me:** This is flight 417... we are in the sky, over.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

In the 1930s, on an RAF post way out in rural Africa, the station commander had a pet lion.

Lennie (as he was called) was elderly, arthritic, mostly blind, and had hardly a tooth left in his head, and everyone on the station knew him well.

One day, one of the Flight Lieutenants was going out for a spin and as he taxied his Gamecock onto the airstrip, he saw with annoyance that Lennie was having a nap right in the middle of it. So after revving his engine a few times to no ef


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The best part of being a flight attendant

Has to be when you walk the aisle saying "trash" to everyone's face.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

On a long haul flight.....

.... with a couple of hours of the flight left the cabin lights were turned on.
The guy next to me woke up startled and annoyed.
“Who turned the f***ing lights on” he shouted at a member of the cabin crew.
“Sir, these are the breakfast lights. I’m afraid you slept through the f***ing lights” she replied.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

How do you keep a secret from a flight attendant?

You get the captain to make a PA about it.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What's the difference between a plane engine and a flight attendant?

The engine stops whining after take-off.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A plane is on its way. long

A plane is on its way to Toronto. When a blonde in economy class gets up and moves down to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies “im blonde, I’m beautiful, I


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didnt think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Boeing 737 Max flight attendant walks into a bar and orders a martini

. "You're here later than usual," the bartender comments. "Problems at work?" "Yes, just as our flight was about to take off we had to turn around wait at the gate for an hour." "What was the problem?" the bartender asks. "The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

One time during a flight the pilot said over the intercom "I could sure use a cup of coffee and a blowjob"

So then the stewardess goes bombing down the aisle to tell him it's on and I yell "Don't forget the coffee!"

–Good Will Hunting (1997)

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE