Fitted

Jokes

The A.I mods

When they tell you “your joke is better fitted in r/ blah blah blah” even though every r/ it suggests is dead

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Long A man was arrested for hunting without a license...

The judge said, "I see this is your third offense. You never learn. I'm going to give you a punishment you'll remember. I hereby sentence you to wear a deer costume and wait on all fours for a hunter to come by. You'll have a ball gag in your mouth, so you'll understand how the deer feel, as you won't be able to simply tell the hunter not to shoot. If you survive the


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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous!

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet!!

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My wife has just told me that she has had a new set of bottom teeth fitted.

For fucks sake, I guess my anal days are over then.

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When the doctor told me that he had fitted a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid.

It made my blood boil.

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Santa goes to his dentist..

... complaining about his dentures wearing out.


"It seems like they're corroding, doc! What am I doing wrong?"


The dentist looked concerned. "Have there been any changes to your diet?"


"As a matter of fact," said Santa, "Mrs Claus has started making a wonderful hollandaise! I've been putting it


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The Pirate Joke

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a


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Did you hear about the man with five dicks?

His boxers fitted like a glove

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I have lost my wife. She went shopping and hasnt returned!



Policeman: What is the ladies height sir?

Husband: Height? I’m not sure, I’ve never measured her.

Policeman: Is she a slim or a large lady sir?

Husband: She’s sort of average I’d say.

Policeman: Colour of her eyes?

Husband: Sort of bluey-green I suppose.

Policeman: What was she weari


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Joe goes to buy a new suit after surgery

This joke belongs to Buddy Hackett (August 31, 1924 – June 30, 2003)

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new


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My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

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I was going to write a poem about fitted sheets...

But I don't have a clue on where to start

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A Pirate Joke that doesn't end with "ARRRR."

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard,


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Where do guys go when they want to get their penis sized and fitted?

The Cocktailor.

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Just got a new bathroom sink fitted with an inbuilt subwoofer.

[deleted]

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Cam Newton has been fitted with a GoPro strapped to his leg for the Super Bowl, sponsored by a canned meat company.

It's called the Spam Cam Newton Gam Cam

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I got a banging sound system fitted into my car.

Might make my job as a hearse driver more entertaining.

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Did ya hear about the woman with five legs? Her knickers fitted her like a glove.

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SPOILER ALERT:

I just had a piece of metal fitted to the back of my car to reduce drag and increase fuel efficiency.

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I got security cameras fitted outside my house.

Just to convince people that I have stuff worth stealing.

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I am a single male and I folded a fitted sheet at the laundromat today AMA!

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"How did granddad die in the war?"

I looked at my boy and replied

"The Germans shot him."

He said, "Why, what did he do?"

I said, "He single handedly nearly stopped the Germans from killing all the Jews at Auschwitz."

He said, "Did he lead a daring SAS style rescue?"

"No, he was a plumber and fitted a faulty gas valve.&quo


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Colin had his neck brace fitted years ago

He's never looked back

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A pirate walks into bar and sits...

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"

"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me over


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Every time I do it, I try my best but I still suck at it. When I was young my parents explained it to me in very simple terms. Over the years, many girls have showed me how to do it. I'm ashamed to say I've tried to learn from online videos.

And yet I still can't fold fitted sheets.

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The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."


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What do you call a queue of people waiting for hearing aids to be fitted?

Deaf row

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It's a shame the Parisian Christmas Buttplug was destroyed...

It fitted in so well.

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Sammy just bought a new pair of pants.

He's explaining to Dean that these pants were specially fitted for dancing.

"Ballroom?" Dean asks.

"Not much," Sammy replies.

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Prom needed to be perfect...

And it shaping up to be just that for Johnny.
He was going to prom with the prettiest girl in school and it would be a night to remember, he just had to do a few things beforehand.

Johnny went to get his tuxedo first and found the perfect tux, so he went to get it fitted. He waited in this enormous line for it and waited and waited and waited. He kept waiting and waited some m


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A Pirate Joke that doesn't end with "ARRRR."

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"

"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me over


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Not sure I heard right but...

My girlfriend plans to avoid pregnancy by having an IED fitted.

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Did you hear about the man with five penises?

His condom fitted like a glove.

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