Finished

Jokes

A man was walking across a desert with his camel

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Given enough time, a monkey on a typewriter typing randomly could type all the works by Shakespeare.

But my crush still haven't finished her bath.

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Many years ago, in a small village in northern China, near the edge of the great kingdom, lived a boy and his father.

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A soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter.

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Little Johnny walked into a Bar

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My 10 yr old was hugging the cat

, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still mama's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

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A Welsh father is hitchhiking with his son when he comes across a sheep with his head stuck in a fence

The father says to the son "Watch this." and proceeds to undo his zipper and then makes love to the sheep. When he is finished, he steps away from the sheep and says to his son "Your turn, son." The son sighs before sticking his head in the fence.

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Engineering a prototype

Whenever we have a new project and we get to the prototype stage, the first ever prototype to fulfil all criteria without malfunction is called in10. We then continue to build several more prototypes who should all work just the same and without glaring bugs or errors happening. We usually count them down in9, in8, in7, etc.

If there is a mistake, we start anew. But the prototyping ph


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My bf and I finished dinner and I was washing dishes in the sink...

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The Proctologist

John was a proctologist (butthole doctor for those who don't know). Over several years, he had become known as one of the top proctologists in America. Unfortunately, he was bored of it. Dealing with assholes all day can really take a toll on you.

John decided to make a change. He enrolled in UTI, a mechanic school. He excelled in his classes. On exam day, each student had t


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How do you flirt with Batman in a gay bar?

"when I'm finished with you you're gonna have the Joker's smile and the Penguin's stagger"

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Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dads whole career

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Just finished doing stand up at a Hell's Angels bar.

Tough crowd.

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"So, have you and your wife had any luck trying to have kids?"

"Well, last week I was trying to get hard, but I ended up cumming on her stomach. Then a few days ago, I was jerking it to get ready, but I accidentally finished on her inner thigh. Then last night, I had just gotten hard enough, but I wound up jizzing on her *other* thigh...."

"DUDE! Stop beating around the bush!"


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A Boy was screwing a girl on a Railway track.

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Not to brag, but I just finished this 14-day diet...

...in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

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Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.

It was a roaring success.

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My friend told me she just finished her book about sx with clocks!

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My friend was like i just finished my book about sex with clocks!

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How to pass gas

I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music.

After just a few songs I started to feel better.

I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me...

That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod.


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NSFW Wanna know why 911 jumpers are world record readers?

Because they finished 104 stories in 12 seconds!

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A pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun


the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

the barber then tells the pornstar: every evening the nun is at the cemetry, praying to god. just c


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Me: It's just a cough.

Parents: It's just a cough.
The Doctor: It's just a cough.

Google: You. Are Done. Finished

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Before I met my wife I was incomplete

Now I'm finished

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Jamie and Cerci just finished...

having passionate sex. Cerci was extremely satisfied and said "Jamie, you are so much better than daddy."

Jamie said "Yeah, mommy says the exact same thing."

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A young married couple moves into a new apartment and decides to repaper the dining room.

They call on a neighbor who has a dining room the same size and ask,“How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you papered your dining room?”
“Seven,” he says.
So the couple buys seven rolls of expensive paper, and they start papering. When they get to the end of the fourth roll, the dining room is finished. Annoyed, they go back to the neighbor and say, &l


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One day in a Detroit Church...

A priest asks if anyone has a disability that needs to be prayed for.

A man steps up, “I need help with my hearing!”

The priest prays his heart out for him, a hand on each ear. Once he is finished he asks, “How is your hearing now?”

The man responds, “I don’t know, it’s on Thursday.

Credit: My Uncle


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A baker and his wife finished working in their bakery for the day

The baker was bored from all the work and asked his wife for sex.

The wife refused to do it because she thought her husband was being too kneady.

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A blonde wants to make some money

So she decides to do some handyman type work and go door to door asking for work. She goes to the first house and asks the owner if she can do any work. The owner says she could paint the porch. He then asks for the price. The blonde says she will charge $50. The owner agrees and gives her some paint and brushes. The owner’s wife overheard this and asked “Do you think she’ll know


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So Einstein finally finished that theory of his about space

It's about time too

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I was having fish and chips with my grandad, and we brought a bottle of ketchup, which was nearly finished.

He said: ‘It hasn’t got much left, so we might as well bin it.’

‘But, Grandad, you haven’t got much left and we still keep you.’

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What does a woman and Kentucky fried chicken have in common?

By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

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In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper to


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A blonde woman canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs...

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
She replied, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?&quo


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How does a blind person know when they're finished wiping their butt?

I don't know. They can't see shit.

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My first book

I was working on a book. Once I finished it, I asked my parents to read it, so that they can let me know how it is. Once they finished the book I asked for the review. They said they hope the main character dies. The irony is, It was an autobiography.

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A lawyer bought a brand new Porsche

He parked it in front of his office to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

Furious, the lawyer grabbed his phone and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterical


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Credit goes to uNormie-Destroyer

I once drank a whole gallon of milk in a whole day and I could feel my bones expand. At first I thought I was just full from the milk, but my skin started to form stretch marks and I was visibly wider. I didn't know what was happening but I had an uncontrollable urge to drink more milk. I drove into the nearest gas station and literally ripped the door off the rifrigerated section containing


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I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages.

That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it (Adam Sandler)

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A man walks into a bar

and asks for a bottle of beer. "Give me a bottle of beer before the problem starts" he said. After taking a bottle of beer he asks for another. He keeps asking for another until he has finished 10 bottles.

The bartender asks him "when are you paying for the beers?" . "Now the problem starts" replied the man.


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So my dad just finished cleaning his floors. He thoroughly cleaned the entire house, and then suddenly stepped on some dirt on the floor

He looked at me and said:

"The world abhors a vacuum."

____________________________________
*This is an actual Dad Joke™ just told by my actual dad. I'm dying right now*

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A man ordered a whole beef

He paid the butcher and had the massive shipment sent to his house. The day arrived and he started packing the meat into his freezer. It was only as he finished he realized the horrible truth: his package had been de-livered.

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Before I married my wife I was incomplete

Now I'm finished

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I live in Pripyat and just finished watching Chernobyl on HBO

I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

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A desperate young man is searching for the love of his life online

He learns about a dating website where he can fill in his preferences. So he navigates to the website and starts to type:

1. The love of my life should be not to tall.
2. She should enjoy company and walking around in a group.
3. In addition she should love swimming and not talk too much.

After a short delay the computer is finished analyzing:

&q


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I just finished masturbating my new fan

It’s ‘On’ button was pretty low

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I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

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I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

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What did the blonde do after she finished sucking cock?

She spit out the feathers.

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Donald Trump And Barack Obama walk into thesame barber shop.

They each sat down with a different barber. Afraid any conversation would turn nasty, the barbers cut their hair in silence. Then each got a shave, still silence. Trump's barber finished first and reached for the aftershave. Donald stopped him. "If Melania smells that on me, she'll think I've been to a brothel." Obama's barber finished his shave and hesitated until Ba


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