Fantastic

Jokes

A woman goes to her doctor



"Doctor, please help me. My husband is _lazy_ in the bed, if you know what I mean"

The doctor smiles and says

"I have what you need. Science has made gigantic progress in this field."

The doctor gives her a small packet.

"Put the content of this sachet in his food and you will return here next time and tell


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Charlie Sheen's a fantastic swimmer!

His breast stroke's impeccable

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The time to fight against climate change is upon us, and this sub is setting fantastic examples.

Everything here is recycled anyway...

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I've been dating two girls from Vietnam.

They're both super cool, attractive, funny and tick all the right boxes for a perfect partner. The problem is, I have to choose which one I want to be with, which means i'll be letting down at least one fantastic, amazing girl.

It's a complete Nguyen/Nguyen situation for me.

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I had a dream last night that street vendors were selling orange soft drink popsicles.

Isn't that fantastic?

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I started dating a blind woman. It's fantastic.

However, it took me quite a long time to mimic the voice of her husband.

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What do you call it when Mr. Fantastic stretchs out his butt cheeks and walks on it?

A cake walk.

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A poem on Timbuktu

A writer and a student were in the finals of a poem tournament and were both given 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu. The writer was up first and he goes:

“On the lonely desert sands,
crossed a lonely caravan,
men on camels two by two,
destination Timbuktu.”

The crowd went wild in applause for the fantastic poem the write


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Mr Fantastic

They call me Mr.Fantastic because my butthole be stretching like elastic

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A man has some time off...

A man is told by his psychiatrist to have some time off so he decided to go off to Basque to spend some time with a family there to get away from it all. He spends a good few years there with a family with 10 children and enjoys himself tremendously. Feeling thoroughly relaxed and ready to go back to his world he asks the family if they'd like to send their 10 kids to his place in London so t


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When I drink alcohol people call me an alcoholic, Yet when I drink "Fanta"

They don't call me Fantastic.

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My store in Ireland is doing fantastic

Profits are always Dublin.

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You'd think that being a fantastic redditor would have an affect on someone's ego.

Not the case with me, though.

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I was going through a messy divorce and getting screwed by my wifeamp's lawyer when I found an old lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared.


"Thank you for freeing me" he said. "In return I grant you 3 wishes"

"Oh! this is great," I said. "For my first one I wish I had an inexaustable supply of cash"


Puff! A wallet full of $20 notes appeared. "No matter how much you take out, it will always be full" said the genie.


"O


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I had a fantastic threesome last night.

A couple of people no showed but I still enjoyed myself.

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Fantastic Four alternate universe movie got shut down...

That's what happens when you do an Alt F4

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There's a fantastic bar in Helsinki where people make a habit of ordering drinks after last call...

the bartender always obliges if they Finnish up quick.

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I'm not racist BUT ...

I do like movies about racists.

​

Black(k)Klansman was fantastic.

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Just got back from the job interview where I was asked if I can perform under pressure

I said I wasn't completely sure about that but do fantastic Bohemian Rhapsody

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Aladdick turned to Princess Jasmound and sang...

A new hole worrrrld! A new fantastic point in you. And when I'm wayyy in here, it's crystal clear, that now I'm in a new hole world in youuu...

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My last manager told me if I hate him, hes doing a good job

He did fantastic

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A drunk man hails a taxi cab.

When the taxi pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, “Have you got room in here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?”

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“Sure,” replies the driver.

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The drunk man says, “Fantastic!” and throws up on the passenger seat.


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Marketing explained



* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

______________________________

* You're a woman and you’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,


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A woman loved to trek.

One of her adventures included a trip to the Himalayas.She had been trekking for a while,and was hungry.Luckily,she saw a lake full of fish.After a while she caught one.

Unfortunately,the fish turned out to be a sage who was trying to live a peaceful life.Angry after almost being caught,the sage turned into a human and said,"I know you were hungry,but you almost killed someone


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Two old men are sitting in Temple discussing their bowel movements.

“…then I drink a large glass of prune juice right before bed. I wake up at 7:00 and have two cups of coffee and sizable bowl of bran cereal, at 8:30 I drink a glass of fiber powder and if I’m lucky, very lucky, at around 11:00 I can manage a tiny acorn, but most mornings… bupkes.”
Leaning in close and very matter of fact his friend states, “Every morning


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What do you call it when a kid is good for 365 days in a row?

Fantastic behaveyear!

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So . . . uh . . . well . . . here's the thing . . .

. . . I know, I know . . . It isn't the entire Fantastic Four . . . but . . . well . . . here's the thing . . .

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Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad

When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

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I really disliked the most recent adaptation of Fantastic Four.

I guess I have a version aversion.

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I really hated the most recent movie version of Fantastic Four.

I have a version aversion.

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I just bought some of that new Emo grass.

It’s fantastic as it cuts itself!

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50 upvotes is good 500 upvotes is really good 1k upvotes is fantastic 5k is INSTAGRAM WORTHY

50 upvotes is good
500 upvotes is really good
1k upvotes is fantastic
5k is INSTAGRAM WORTHY

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I got a fantastic job in Silicon Valley!

Thank god my wife got those breast implants.

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A man applies for a position within the Chicago Police Department

He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.

"Your qualifications are impressive," says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"

The man asks, "why the clown?"

The police chief replies, &q


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El Chapo came so close to a comfortable life of fantastic wealth and power.

He would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those Medellín kids.

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Did you hear Newt Scamander and Jacob Kowalski are writing a cookbook together?

The title is rumored to be "Fantastic Yeasts and Where to Find Them."

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Me: I want to die

Hairdresser: Fantastic! Would you like to cut it also?

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Everyone calls me an alcoholic for drinking alcohol

But no one calls me fantastic for drinking Fanta

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For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.

I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.

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I tried some anti-masturbation hand cream for the first time.

It's fantastic - can't beat it

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The funeral for the man who died fixing an aerial on the roof of a building was held today

The reception was fantastic

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I've been holding auditions for actors to play a new Fantastic Four team this afternoon...

... it's so stressful.

It's just been one Thing after another.

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In memory of Marty Funkhauser actor Bob Einstein. Here's him telling a fantastic joke to Jerry Seinfeld

https://youtu.be/3o5m_mXadoU

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I had a guy tell me Happy New Year but he said "see you in 2020."

Either he had the year wrong, or he made a comment on his fantastic vision.

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So a Christian man walks into a Jewish bakery and he looks at all the fantastic breads. He walks up to the cash register and he asks:

How much does your challah cost?
Cashier responds: 6 million

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Why Couldn't Trump be Vice President?

He has no vices, okay? He's great. Unbelievable. The best. Excuse me, Excuse me. Listen. Sit down. He's fantastic. Winning like you can't believe. Thank you, everybody.

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What's green and sings and dances fantastic?

Fred Asparagus. (I'm sorry, Holiday Inn was on TCM tonight.)

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You know what would make a great title for a Wizard porno?

Fantastic Breasts and Where to find them

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The X-Men and Fantastic Four team up horribly

Mr. Fantastic: so, Professor X, tell us, who’s the threat we’re facing today?
Professor X: His name is Terrario, a powerful mutant with the power to control ALL ROCK MATERIAL!
*Mr. Fantastic looks at Ben Grimm*
Mr. Fantastic: ...so here’s the thing

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My art is like communism.

Fantastic in theory, mediocre in practice, messy in result.

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