Fancy

Jokes

I got fired from my job at a carpet shop

Apparently asking customers "fancy a shag?" is inappropriate ?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was making fancy French cheese...

I tried to make the rind but it didn't work. Turns out I had used penicillin instead of *Penicillium*...

Just one more food ruined by antibrieotics...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So my high school which is Columbine had a fancy dress party yesterday and I was suspended when I turned up to it.

Apparently dressing up like Neo from The Matrix was really offensive and inappropriate.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man is lost in the desert. After a day of wandering through the dunes, he comes across a merchant pulling a cart.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I saw a German wearing a fancy watch....

I asked him if he could me know when it was 51 minutes to 10. He replied 'nein nein'. Rude bastard.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I told someone I was into butt stuff and they said whatever tickles your fancy

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Fancy dress party

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I saw a black man walking down the street carrying a really fancy and big TV. At first I thought it was mine

But then I remembered mine was at home shining my shoes.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck today.

Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

NSFW A man went to a fancy dress party as a dildo...

...he looked like a fucking knob

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I'll be spending most of today in the shade.

I'm off to a fancy dress party as a lamp.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Kinky sex

Hubby says "I fancy kinky sex, can I cum in your ear?"

Wife says "NO I might go deaf"

Hubby says "I've been cumin in your mouth for 20 years and you're still fucking talking!!"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My wife asked me to take her to one of those fancy restaurants where they prepare the meal in front of you. So I took her to Subway....

We're signing the divorce papers right now.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

We had our annual mandatory fancy-dress do for work, and I went as the same thing this year that I always go as.

A proper miserable cunt.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My wife went through the garden today and picked a bouquet of anything that struck her fancy.

Her fancy is now slightly swollen, but should be okay in a day or two.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Communist was on his soap box..

"Come the revolution comrades, we will all drive fancy cars! Come the revolution comrades, we will all smoke fat cigars."

A little bloke up the back pipes up, "What if I don't want to drive a fancy car and smoke a fat cigar?

"Come the revolution, comrade... you will do as you are fucking well told."


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I'm going to a fancy dress party later, "What you going as?" my friend asked. "A small island off the Italian coast" I replied...

"Don't be so silly" he said

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I went to a fancy dress party carrying my girlfriend on my back, someone asked "What are you supposed to be?" I answered "A turtle" "Why?" they asked...

"That's Michelle" I said

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Gary is driving home from work and stops at a red light. At the crossing he sees his mate painted head to toe in green paint carrying a woman on his back.

'Hey Dave, what are you up to'

'Alright, Gary? Just off to a fancy dress party. I'm going as a tortoise'

'So who's that on your back?'

'That's just Michelle'

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

To future women I may potentially date...

Am I going to be your sugar daddy and buy you a bunch of fancy shit? No. But I will be your Sweet & Low daddy and direct your attention towards the clearance section.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

We had our annual mandatory fancy-dress do for work, and I went as the same thing this year that I always go as.

A proper miserable cunt.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I have a hobby of drinking fancy water in elevators

Do you Evian-Lift?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My girlfriend has been having a really hard time with her hay fever and diabetes, so I thought Id get her something nice.

Nothing fancy, just some flowers and chocolates.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

On a date Her: Do, what were you like in high school?

Me: You know there’s always a guy who drives a fancy car and has sex with all the cheerleaders?

Her: Yeah?

Me: I’m the reason why he passed calculus.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My friends and I once paid $400 for four octopus dishes at a fancy restaurant.

We really felt like a bunch of suckers.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So a snail walks into a car shop...

So a snail walks into a car shop and buys a fancy sports car. He asks the painter to put a big S on the front, the back, and both sides. The painter asks why and the snail replies, “so when I drive past people they can say ‘“look at that escargot!’”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Who you wearing

Anyone else get confused when a reporter asked someone, who they are wearing at these fancy events. Like the oscars?

I didn't know we could get people to wear. If so i need to find me one of these people stores. That way i could wake up and decide, i think i want to look like me or a model today. I could have a different look everyday...


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I ordered giant duck at a fancy restaurant last night

The bill was huge!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I went to a fancy dress party the other night dressed as a burglar.

In the end I got so drunk that I lost my house keys, so I ended up climbing the gate of my house and trying to get in through one of the back windows.

​

Yeah. The police didn't buy it, either..

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night.

Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I've been invited to a fancy dress party at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house. The theme is classical composers.

I'll be Bach.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I went to a fancy new coffee shop today and ordered a cup

I took a sip and it tasted awful.

“This coffee tastes like mud!”

The barista replied, “well, it’s fresh ground”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Party

When I was 8, my parents were throwing their annual, mid-year Christmas party. After much pleading, I finally convinced them to let me greet and welcome everyone to the party.

One day, my parents got into an argument about the seating arrangements. The argument ended when dad called mom a bitch, and mom retorted by calling him a bastard. Not knowing what those words meant, I went and


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a dinner at a fancy restaurant with your 3 year old?

Whine & dine


I'll see myself out

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A guy goes to a fancy dress party and one of the guests says to him what have you come as, and why is your wife on your back?

He replies “I’m a tortoise and that’s Michelle”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Took my wife Mary out to a fancy restaurant last night. I had the filet mignon...

Mary had a little lamb.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A nun gets into a taxi...

A nun gets into a taxi and the driver can't take his eyes off her.

Finally, he says, "Sister, I must tell you something but I don’t want to offend you."

She says, "My son, you won’t offend me. I've heard it all after so many years of being a nun."

"Okay," says the driver, "Well I always had this fantasy


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So I went to this fancy dress party clad only in my Y-fronts. They asked me what I was and I said that I was a premature ejaculation...

I’d come in my underpants.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another girl on her back

I asked “who’s the other girl”

She said...

“Michelle”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There's this man walking along a beach and find's a lamp washed up on the shore

He picks up the lamp and a genie pops out.

The genie says you have 3 wishes. But whatever you wish for, your ex wife will get double.

So the man thinks and get says "One million Dollars" and just like that a big bag appears with money inside of it. Then the man hears someone cheering a little ways away, and there is a woman with two big bags of money. He man st


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The police are investigating the recent shootout at a fancy downtown restaurant.

There are no reports of casual tees.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Nintendo Thug

Are **Wii** going to have a problem, buddy?

Hey, I've got a **switch**blade.

If you move one step close, you're going to start hearing **Wii U Wii U Wii U**.

Your vision is going to start looking like something outta those **3Ds**. The fancy movies.

They'll send your body to a **labo**ratory.

Your fam(**icon**) is goin


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Irene was suspicious that her husband, John, was fooling around with other women.

They’d had an invitation to a fancy dress ball so Irene devised a plan to catch John out. “I’ve got a headache,” she said to John. “Why don’t you go to the fancy dress ball on your own?” So John donned his gorilla suit and left for the ball.

Irene put on a monkey suit and headed off to the ball later in the night. Soon after she arrived, ther


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Irene was suspicious that her husband, John, was fooling around with other women

They’d had an invitation to a fancy dress ball so Irene devised a plan to catch John out. “I’ve got a headache,” she said to John. “Why don’t you go to the fancy dress ball on your own?” So John donned his gorilla suit and left for the ball.

Irene put on a monkey suit and headed off to the ball later in the night. Soon after she arrived, ther


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back

I said "where are you going?"

He replied "Fancy dress party"

"What as?" I asked

"Tortoise" the man shouted back

"Who's she?" I questioned

"That's Michelle"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a black person with a fancy car?

A liar

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

At a fancy dress party.

I was at a fancy dress party last night.
Man "May I ask, what are you dressed as?"
Me "A harp" I replied
Man "A harp,? You're a bit small for a harp aren't you?"
Me "Are you calling me a lyre?"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I once read a cook book about fancy soup and sauce thickeners...

...but it all turned out to be elaborate roux's.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a fancy door handle?

A S-knob

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The wife and I went to a bank robbers themed fancy dress party last night.

Well,I did. She stayed in the car keeping the engine running.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE